The Male Kunoichi
by Rickysio
Summary: Team 7 is sent on a mission to Tsuchi no Kuni, where one of them will have to infiltrate a function - where the wives of the Tsuchikage and Raikage will meet - dressed as a girl. Unfortunately, Sakura isn't up to the task. So, who will it be?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

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The Male Kunoichi

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Side note, it isn't some sort of gay, yaoi fic. It just occurs that well, the title will be self explanatory once you read.

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Chapter 1 - "YOU DO IT!"

* * *

"So..." Tsunade growled. "What is the issue now?"

"Tsunade-sama, Naruto-baka, err,"

"I'm not stupid, Sakura-chan!" Naruto groused.

"I think we have the right to call you whatever we want, after what you put us through." Sasuke growled. "Dobe, grow a brain."

Said dobe squirmed, hoping to escape from the haphazard mess of ninja wire cocooning him. "Someone free me!"

"How about... no?" Sasuke snapped.

A perverted giggle wafted over from where Kakashi was seated, but it soon stopped when Tsunade cracked her knuckles.

"Can I just get my report?" Tsunade hissed, a tic growing on her forehead.

One Kakashi-shaped hole and a bit of paper work to authorize repairs later, Tsunade thought she had the whole story down pat.

Thought being the keyword.

According to the visibly displeased Haruno and a rather twitchy Uchiha, Naruto had, in his most infinite wisdom, thought that a _bit_ of chaos in the _middle_ of a mission was _completely_ appropriate. Apparently he had launched off a stink/paint bomb hybrid at Tora the Cat _WHILE _his teammates were just about to grab it.

Suffice to say, Naruto was roasted and beat to an inch of his life. His cries of _"The paint's water-base –ARGG!" _had been most studiously ignored.

Naruto, however, painted a vastly different (and by the scandalized looks his teammates were shooting at him, most likely false) story. Apparently he had been a victim of a most _tragic _AND _disheartening_, not to mention _dishonourable_ attack, and he thought he should retaliate. With EXTREME prejudice.

When questioned about the attack, he hemmed, he hawed, he groaned and no reply came out of his mouth. Sasuke, in a surprisingly innocuous display of camaraderie, quipped bitingly, "Dobe got attacked in the _jewels_ by Tora."

Tsunade had to call upon her tremendous (read: none) self-discipline to stop herself from laughing.

"IT ISN'T FUNNY BAA-CHAN!" Naruto protested. "Unlike Mr. Gay here I'd like to have children one day!"

"Don't call Sasuke-kun gay!" Sakura shrieked. "He's manlier than you are!"

Sasuke was silent except for a very swift kick delivered to Naruto's posterior. "He's gunning for my ass, baa-chan! Save your cute little... err... Naruto-kun, uh, yeah!"

"There has already been a few complains of paedophilia directed at Konoha already, Naruto, so I certainly would _appreciate_ it if you could just shut up." Tsunade's fingers twitched, ready for a sake bottle already. "Sakura? Stop beating him up. He is still your team mate, no matter what he has done. Although I might turn a blind eye to what occurs outside my office..."

The pink haired girl blushed in embarrassment, and stopped her hail of fists downwards on the immobilized blond Genin.

"Now scram!" Tsunade slammed her fist on her desk for emphasis, and Team 7 rushed out of the office, Naruto inching along like a worm before Sasuke unceremoniously delivered a _helpful_ kick to the ribs of the blond.

Naruto wisely kept his mouth shut as he took a small flight courtesy of Uchiha Airlines, for Tsunade was looking for a chance to vent her irritation.

"So?" Kakashi prompted, each of them tucking their pay checks into their bags. "Let's make like a banana and split – see you tomorrow in the Tower at 07 00 hours. Ja ne!"

Disappearing in his customary plume of smoke, the still tied up Naruto attempted to beseech Sakura to free him, to no avail as she immediately followed behind the Uchiha.

"Man," Naruto groused. "Do I really need to do this myself? _Kawarimi!_"

* * *

A slightly (read: very) sleepy Naruto dragged himself from bed unwillingly, and in the process summoning Kage Bushin to help him get his morning rituals done. Elsewhere, Tsunade told a fuming Sasuke and Sakura to take a seat outside.

When the clock struck 8, Naruto was seated in front of Ichiraku's, enjoying a super large bowl of Miso Seafood Ramen.

He was in Tsunade's office promptly at 9, and unwittingly barrelled into his very apparently just-woke-from-bed Jounin instructor, who promptly turned into a wooden log.

"You're late, Naruto."

"I was here before you, ergo, I wasn't late, Kakashi-sensei!"

"Hmm..." Kakashi scratched his very crumpled face mask with a finger. "You're right. Come on, it's time for another mission."

Tsunade's head popped up behind the stacks of paperwork. In Naruto's opinion, she looked like someone fresh from sleep. However, he had already been ingrained about how _dangerous _such a comment was, and wisely kept his mouth shut.

"What is it now, brats?" Tsunade muttered.

"Mission, Hokage-sama." Kakashi quipped from behind his book.

"Hmm, I think I have a rather fitting one here somewhere..." Tsunade rummaged in a drawer unceremoniously, with the odd clinking of empty bottles adding to the noise. When nothing came up, the Godaime started dumping empty sake bottle by the dozens on the desk.

Sakura had the decency to look scandalized, while the (bored) collective faces of the Uchiha, Uzumaki and Hatake indicated that it was a ritual frequently partook.

"AND HERE IT (buried behind a 5 month old sake bottle) IS!" Tsunade held the scroll in triumph, and three quarters of Team 7 awarded her with scathing applause. Naruto's hands halted after spotting that rather evil grin on Tsunade's face, which always bode no well for him. Always.

"Right, this is a C-ranked mission to Tsuchi no Kuni ("Always wanted to check out the girls in Earth Country..." Kakashi drooled, before being punched by Sakura.) as an infiltration mission." Tsunade chucked the scroll towards Kakashi, hitting the Jounin who was in the foetal position on the head.

Kakashi opened the scroll, and was immediately sent flying with blood flowing freely down his nose. Naruto, his vast and boundless curiosity piqued, read the scroll, and stared, puzzled, at Sasuke. "What's so ecchi about this that even Kakashi-sensei, the man who reads Icha Icha without nosebleeds, is defeated?"

"Hn," Sasuke scanned the paper quickly. Behind him, Naruto was quickly forming some seals, causing Tsunade slight alarm. "_Suiton : Suiryuudan!_"

Kakashi was awoken by a fierce stream of water travelling at terminal velocity up his legs. Clutching his crotch in pain, he rolled into foetal position again.

Tsunade finally took pity on the long suffering Jounin, who was currently whimpering about "never again" and "god damn brats", and flicked a painkiller accurately into the Jounin's mouth.

Of course, it ended up hitting his mask, and said Jounin gagged when he found his mask being forced into his mouth partially by the pill.

One pill, a cup of water, a spool of wire later, Team 7 was waiting for the Hokage's briefing.

Well, for Naruto, waiting as good as a person being strung out of the window can.

"This mission is not a simple C-rank, mind you." Tsunade spoke. "I will admit to be astounded by how Kakashi has been _impressed_ with this mission, given what this is, and what sort of material he likes to read... But I digress. To put it succinctly, the village has received intelligence from Daimyo-sama, who has especially requested for your team to handle this issue."

"Daimyo-sama? That explains it then, given how he is probably still smarting from his orange throne." Kakashi mused out loud. ("Don't diss the orange!" Naruto yelled from his position.)

"Orange throne...?" Tsunade's eyebrows rose. "I have no record of your team even being inside the Capital before."

"We passed by the capital on the way back from the Land of Snow before, Hokage-sama." Sakura reported. "Naruto took leave for two hours briefly, and came back with a very happy expression."

"I must say it's an impressive job for two hours worth of work. Daimyo-sama's defences are very thorough – even a Jounin would have difficulty infiltrating it in a day, much less two hours. But being that we're talking about the guy who repainted the interior of the AnBu's numerous interrogation rooms bright pink with green polka dot spots without being caught, I'm not surprised." Tsunade quirked an eyebrow. "I'm not sure if even I can pull the same thing off in two hours."

("AND that's why I'm the best – OUCH!" Naruto swung wildly, having been set off by a flying paperweight that whizzed past into the distance.)

"Back on track, apparently there will be a function of sorts in Tsuchi no Kuni's capital city Tsuchishi ("Amazing intellectuals they have there – OWW!") and the Daimyo has gained some reputable intelligence that the wife of the Tsuchikage and Raikage will be meeting there to discuss some sort of treaty. As you all know Iwa and Konoha aren't so chummy, what with the decimation of their forces in the Third War, and there's always the Hyuuga-Kumo incident, so in view of national interests your Team is to infiltrate said function and find out more." Tsunade groaned. "And apparently it's a female only function (Kakashi held a tissue to his nose to staunch the flow.) and well, one of you have to go."

"What about the other three, are we chopped liver?" Kakashi grasped his heart in mock hurt.

"The other three will standby and gather intelligence in the village." Tsunade spoke. "Preferably, as I will emphasis, GATHER intelligence, and not provoke them."

Sasuke stood with a scowl visible on his face, disbelieving at how absolutely _retarded_ the mission was. Their team wasn't even specialised for anything the mission called for, for one. And that since it was a female event Sakura would be the principal in this case and it was apparent how _capable_ she was. Kakashi whistled – Team 7 immediately understood that he wouldn't be doing any work, just reading. Sakura sighed – She was the only female. Ergo, she had to do everything. They were about to take the scroll and leave when Tsunade halted them.

"I haven't finished." Tsunade grinned, and even without being able to see her face, Naruto's hackles rose. "It appears that the meeting is a civilian one, and the few kunoichi that will be there are of Jounin calibre, so the presence of a Genin is a big no no. While not an accurate indicator, the most common measure of a shinobi's skill is by gauging chakra levels. Appearances, motions, etc, all can be faked. It is not particularly easy, but nor is it very hard. For a Jounin, that is." Kakashi nodded at the last bit, looking slightly sagely.

"So I'm out?" Sakura uttered hopefully, though somehow what dejected at being insulted, in a way.

"Why, happy, Sakura?" Kakashi chirped. "Perhaps you should fix this instead of throwing it around as though it is some astounding quantity."

Sakura immediately turned red, and Kakashi went to draw Naruto back into the room, carelessly jerking the wire up, as though he was an angler.

"So either Sasuke or Naruto, then? I'm far too well known to go incognito." Kakashi mused. "Sucks to be me, you know, what with me being famous and all."

"Hey, you could just _Henge_, you lazy bastard!" Naruto scowled, wriggling in his cocoon. "_Kawarimi!_"

An indignant and surprised Uchiha Sasuke found himself whisked into the technique, and replaced the _dobe_'s place in the cocoon, and in his fluster his mental grasp of his emotions slackened, and he...

"Why is Sasuke-baka flopping around like a fish?"

Sasuke's astute mind immediately went back in high gear, and a plume of smoke and a couple of hand seals later, said Uzumaki was busy trying to "MY ASS IS ON FIRE! SOMEONE PUT OUT THE GODDAMN FIRE!"

A vengeful Hatake and another couple of hand seals later, Tsunade was pondering what'd happen if she just grabbed the whole lot and chucked them out of the window, absent mindedly summoning a cleaner.

"Now if the lot of you will just shut the hell up, I'd like to finish this briefing as fast as possible so I can do some of that continuously growing paperwork." Tsunade groaned. "They don't pay me enough for this shit..."

"YOU DO IT!" Naruto and Sasuke snarled.

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Edit (28 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

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The Male Kunoichi

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Trivia : Working title was "Naruto and the Mission from Hell."

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Chapter 2 - "Well I'd be damned."

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"Why should I do it," Naruto growled. "Because I sure don't see _any_ reason why I have to do it."

"Because you could use the _Oiroke_?" Sasuke snapped.

"Not like you can't copy it, teme!" Naruto was about to grab Sasuke by his collar and deliver _divine _punishment onto that asshat when Tsunade coughed. "You and your damn Sharingan, cheater..."

"We're still here, you two." Kakashi gave his (in)famous eye smile, and grabbing the two Genin by the scruff of their neck, deposited them in the chairs Tsunade prepared. "Save your unresolved sexual tension for later."

"Sorry to say, but no ninja techniques can be used to disguise yourself." Tsunade twitched. "I'm rather tempted to strip you two of your ranks now, to be honest. To think mindless fools like you two'd be the next generation... I do believe I've mentioned that they are Jounin, did I not? On second thoughts, it'd be hilarious to see what happens when your _Henge_ is dispelled in the middle of the function..."

Tsunade ended it with a very Orochimaru-esque laughter that ended up disturbing the other occupants in the room. "Well suffice to say I guess you might enjoy an extended stay in the hospital, before going back in for another stay after I'm through with you for giving me a political nightmare."

"WHAT?" Sasuke yelled. "Gods no, I'm not doing this!"

"_Oiroke!"_ Naruto shouted. "Try dispelling _this_ for measure, baa-chan!"

"_Kai_." Tsunade yawned as Naruto found himself rudely snapped back into his original form. Or so she thought.

"Was that supposed to even do anything?" Naruto quirked _her_ eyebrows.

"Well I'd be damned." Tsunade whistled. Meanwhile Sasuke was out for the count (from blood loss) and Sakura was too busy looking after the Uchiha scion to do anything about Naruto and his perverted technique.

Walking around Naruto, Tsunade poked the _female_ Genin every once in a while.

"Rather solid for a Genjutsu..." She mumbled, and the suddenly delivered a swift and hard jab at the unsuspecting Genin's ribs.

"OW!" Naruto screeched. "What the hell was that for, baa-chan!"

"Naruto... Err, perhaps calling you Naru_ko_ would be better in this form, but I digress. This. Is. Not. A. Henge." Tsunade spoke testily. "A Henge is a Genjutsu, not a solid construct."

"Really?" Naruko had the most amazed look on her face, and Tsunade swore to find the names of those who had taught Naruto and _teach_ them a nice long _lesson_.

With her fists as their _loving, patient _sensei.

And she really didn't mind if they had to spend a stint in the hospital owing to her _hospitality_. _  
_

"Yes, really." Tsunade spoke. "I believe you've invented a new technique, in fact. But that's not the main point. The issue is, it is still obviously a technique, and it will instantly alert the two targets that some outsider has infiltrated the ball."

"Che." Naruto groaned. "_Kai!_"

Sasuke, as though magically revived by the call of the "Kai" sat up abruptly, and swiftly delivered his _justice_ towards Naruto.

_**CHA! Sasuke-kun is so COOL! **_Sakura drooled openly, while Kakashi cradled his face in his palms.

Said Naruto splintered and reverted back into a log. "Ain't gonna let you hit me anytime soon, teme! Only Sakura-chan gets to do it!"

"Naruto-kun..." Tsunade drawled. Naruto paled. Whenever Tsunade drawled AND used a suffix for his name, he was in deep deep shit.

DEEP shit.

"GET YOUR SCRAWNY ASS OFF MY SHELVES!" She roared, chucking the much abused paperweight at him, and it ricocheted off his forehead and embedded itself in the ceiling.

After Kakashi once again grabbed his two very uncooperative Genin by their collars and deposited them in the chairs, taking no chances the ex-AnBu captain immediately tied them into the chairs, taking care to ensure that they couldn't do hand seals.

"Now, who will it be?" Kakashi and Tsunade shared the same evil expressions, Tsunade's more so, for it was enhanced by her leering over her admittedly majestic desk.

"HIM!" Both Genin roared.

"Not this again..." Tsunade groaned.

"Hokage-sama, how about we make them list why the other should be the one acting? It'd save us much time." Kakashi suggested over his orange book.

"That is a surprisingly good suggestion from you, Kakashi." Tsunade muttered. "Now you've heard your sensei, so why don't you start first Naruto?"

"Well Sasuke is girly-ish enough ("Na-Ru-To..." Sakura hissed.) that some make up will easily make him a girl, and... and he looks like a girl!" Naruto listed with a smug grin. "So there!"

"Sasuke?"

"One, Naruto is more slender than me. Ergo, it'll be easier for him to wear a woman's dress and get away with it. Two, as far as I know, there is only one shinobi clan with pitch black hair and obsidian eyes. Even if we focus solely on the eye colour, for we can dye the hair, there are little clans with such features. Three, Naruto is of a decidedly more feminine build than me. For example, facial structure. Note the smaller nose and sharper chin." Sasuke spoke testily, systematically analyzing his target's features. "And lastly, I openly admit that I'm antisocial, and Naruto will find it easier to mingle."

Tilting his head in wonder as to why there was no cries of outrage from the blond, his lips tilted upwards slightly when he noticed Kakashi clamping Naruto's mouth shut.

The freshly released Naruto instantly launched into a barrage of curses and in a very surprising act benefitting that of Konoha's Number 1 Most Surprising Ninja, did a one handed hand seal and _Kawarimi_-ed out of his bindings. "I AM NOT FEMININE YOU BASTARD!" Naruto yelled, fist cocked and ready to deliver punishment.

"Like you aren't." Sasuke snapped.

"Take that back, teme!" Naruto scowled.

"Don't insult Sasuke-kun, Naruto-baka!" Sakura screeched.

"I'll insult him if I want to, that teme just insulted my masculinity!" Naruto growled.

"Naruto." Tsunade spoke.

"What Sasuke-kun said was true, though." Kakashi gave one of his (in)famous eye smiles. "You do have the (in)appropriate curves."

"OH I SO DON'T!" Naruto hissed, and he directed his fury on the scarecrow.

"Naruto." Tsunade felt a headache approaching.

Kakashi laughed scathingly as he replaced himself multiple times with _Kawarimi_, as the furious blond pounced on him.

"STAY STILL!" Naruto growled, traces of red chakra starting to become visible.

"NARUTO!" Tsunade yelled, and grabbed the Genin by his collar. "Calm down!"

"I won't take any affront to my masculinity lying down baa-chan!" Naruto scowled.

"Naruto." Tsunade sighed theatrically. "You'd just have to accept it. Sasuke just admitted that you're more bishonen than him. Lavish in the phrase and move on."

"Bitumen? What's that?" Naruto looked at her quizzically.

"Bitu-what? Urgh, never mind." Tsunade groaned. "Just know this, the Daimyo has also engaged another team with preferably high female : male ratio to teach you how to move, speak, and act like a female."

"Who?" Kakashi gave a half lidded attempt at disguising his less savoury intents.

"The rest of your Team will continue to function as _per normal, _no matter what say you think you have in this matter Kakashi. The mission proper will begin 2 months from now." Tsunade grinned. "Naruto will be receiving personal training from... Let's see which Team will be burdened with this oaf."

"Hey!" Naruto snapped. "I'm not the oaf, teme is!"

"Sasuke-kun is not an oaf!" Sakura scowled. "Sasuke-kun is infinitely more graceful than you will ever be!"

"In your dreams, Sakura-chan!" Naruto scoffed.

"Right right." Kakashi cut short the argument, and randomly grabbing a D-Rank scroll off the shelves, he grabbed the remaining two Genin by their scuffs and disappeared in a rapid _shushin_.

"Now Naruto, we wait." Tsunade had an odd gleam in her eye that told Naruto if he made more than a peep he was going flying via Tsunade Airlines.

"So, baa-chan, how'd we pick who'd be training me?" He finally asked after watching Tsunade fill up report after report for the umpteenth (actually fourth, but whoever said that he was patient was a fool) time. "Not like they'd be lining up..."

"Actually, they might. As revenge." Tsunade spoke, munching on an end of the pencil she was holding. "But never you mind, the next team that comes in here will be burdened with you."

"What?" Naruto squawked. "I'm not some junk ready to be fostered on someone else!"

"Really, gaki?" Tsunade snorted. "As far as I'm concerned you're still a small brat yet to undergo puberty."

"What's puberty got to do with this?" Naruto scowled. "I'm Genin. Ergo, adult."

"Really?" Tsunade quirked an eyebrow. "You seem pretty short to me."

"I'm not a shrimp!" Naruto protested.

At this moment there was a knock on the door.

"Enter!" Tsunade's voice boomed.

The door creaked ominously open to him. His fate for the next two months would be decided right there and then, and he prayed to god that it wasn't Maito Gai. He didn't think his nerves would hold up, nor would that freak of nature be of any use to the mission. Hopefully not Sarutobi Asuma either. He _really _hated smoke.

That, and Asuma reminded him of Sarutobi_ Hiruzen_. His caretaker. His grandfather. And the Sandaime Hokage.

Shaking himself out of the painful memories, he released the breath he had subconsciously been holding. Not Sarutobi, nor Maito.

It turned out to be Yuuhi Kurenai and her team.

"What're you doing here, Naruto-dobe?" Kiba smirked. "You're so lousy that Sasuke-teme and Sakura finally kicked you out from your team?"

"When hell freezes over, mutt!" Naruto snapped back. "Akamaru, take your pet in hand! Stop letting him shoot his mouth about, it gives others a bad impression."

"Wha..." Kiba's mind finally made the connection. "Hey, asshole, in case you hadn't noticed, I'M the master here!"

"Couldn't tell." Naruto shrugged.

"WHY YOU..." Kiba was about to launch into a _Getsuuga_ when Shino stopped him.

"We are in the Hokage's office, in case you hadn't noticed, Kiba-san." Shino intoned.

"I heard you had a mission for us, Hokage-sama...?" Kurenai spoke.

_**Blast, so she had been playing me like a fool! **_Naruto seethed internally. _**All that worry... She'd get it from me, this I swear upon my reputation as the Prankster King!**_ Shooting the Godaime a scandalized look, he pouted.

"Not telling you the secret to solving the paperwork issue any more." He tilted his head, determined not to make eye contact.

"Pfft, like I haven't even thought of using Kage Bushins." Tsunade guffawed. "Who'd you think you are, a Jounin?"

"Huh, you can't?" Naruto looked at her in alarm. "Whaddya mean you can't?"

"Nope, you can't." Tsunade shook her head. "The paperwork has to be done personally. A Kage Bushin does not qualify as a human."

Naruto looked like a baby whose candy had been stolen away from him. "Perhaps I need to reconsider if I really want to slog my guts out like an idiot anymore..."

"But of course, who cares?" Tsunade winked.

"Baaad baa-chan." Naruto sighed.

"Err, Hokage-sama...?" Kurenai nearly whimpered.

"Ah yes, Team 8." Tsunade motioned them to come closer, not at the least embarrassed for forgetting about them.

Once the Team had been just a few metres away from her she suddenly spoke again. "Well, actually, on second thoughts..."

"Hokage-sama, it isn't nice to make people wait for you, and not only nonchalantly dismissing them as transparent, when they're finally _granted audience_, think aloud about dismissing them." Kurenai finally snapped.

"Jeez, I wasn't talking about your Team, so chill, Kurenai." Tsunade suppressed a yawn. "Now just wait a moment..."

Turning to face Naruto, who was peering out of the window, she threw a wad of paper to him. "Go and give that to Jiraiya, and do what he tells you. Now."

"Now, baa-chan?" Naruto whined.

"NOW." Tsunade turned back to face Team 8, just as Naruto opened the window and leapt out.

"Alright, I think you need to seat down for this, Kurenai."

Kurenai found herself oddly suspicious of what the Hokage had planned for her. Nevertheless, it would be rude to disobey your superior, so she found herself seated down in front of the Hokage.

"So..." Tsunade began. "Have you heard of the Daimyo's orange throne...?"

"I must say I hadn't." Shino muttered stiffly.

"I bet it'd got something to do with blond-baka!" Kiba exclaimed. "What with his fetish for orange and ramen..."

"In case you hadn't noticed, Hokage-sama is also a blond, Kiba-kun." Kurenai suppressed her desire to giggle at Kiba's strangled expression. "And yes, I do know about the orange throne issue, Hokage-sama."

"I'm sorry Hokage-sama!" Kiba was on the verge of kneeling down and begging for mercy. Tsunade was tempted to forgive him. "Don't punch me out of the window!"

After Hinata located the _misplaced_ Inuzuka, Team 8 was again back in the Hokage's office, with Kiba hobbling along. "Remind me not to piss her off again Hinata-chan." He mumbled.

"What was that, Kiba?" Tsunade twitched.

"NOTHING!" Kiba squawked.

"Back on topic, Kurenai, I believe you still have the scroll, yes?"

Kurenai reached behind her for the scroll she had been passed some time ago by Shizune, with orders not to open it till it was asked for, and to bring it daily. She had her suspicions, but hey, who was she to question the words of her leader? If she could, she'd be the leader already...

Extricating the bound scroll out, she held it for the Godaime to take.

"Open it." Tsunade's lips were pressed together, and Kurenai thought she could detect the trace of a very suppressed Cheshire grin behind it. Quickly untying the scroll and channelling chakra to the wax seal on it, her suspicions were already aroused.

What did the Daimyo want with her team?

* * *

Edit (28 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

The reason why Sasuke is still here is because the story takes place between the Oto invasion but before Sasuke is contacted by Orochimaru. Of course, with this mission this story has deviated from the canon time line. I apparently forgot about a changed Sakura while typing the first few chapters so yeah... She's still the pre Chuunin examinations Sakura, attitude wise. :X

* * *

Chapter 3 - "What'd you mean by that?"

* * *

Unfurling the long scroll, the more she read the more the colour drained from her face, and soon her face held the same colour as the white scroll.

"You can't be serious, Hokage-sama!" Kurenai nearly wailed.

"I am. Well, I'm not the one who is serious." Tsunade shrugged. "Daimyo-sama is."

"But..." Kurenai whimpered. "Why me...?"

Tsunade chuckled. "Perhaps I should enlighten you with what Jiraiya told me..."

"Jiraiya-sama?" Kurenai blinked. "What has Jiraiya-sama got to do with this?"

"He transported the scroll, along with a couple of _very saucy _gossip." Tsunade spoke, her words laced with much mirth. "Do you remember your Chuunin days?"

"Yes...?" Kurenai retied the scroll before Kiba, who had been attempting to read the scroll, got any chances to. "Not very clearly, but what has it got to do with Daimyo-sama?"

"Well," Tsunade reached for a mint. "Do you still remember that flamboyantly dressed Jounin who attempted to pick you up about a month after you passed your Chuunin Examinations? You know, the one with long white hair, green eyes and a height around 180 centimetres, along with that impossibly gaudy red cloak with a sakura motif?"

"If I remember correctly I rejected him..." Kurenai blushed. "Rather hard, at that. He was rather... insistent."

"Whoever said that Daimyo-sama was forgiving was a retard." Tsunade winked. "So it might be better if you made like a ninja and did your research first, instead of doing _that_ to him."

"WHAT?" Kurenai nearly fainted. "HE was the DAIMYO?"

"Indeed, he was." Tsunade chuckled. "The Daimyo's heir is always at minimum a Jounin of Konoha before he is made heir apparent. It's a measure to ensure that the Daimyo is more than capable of taking care of himself against any outside threat in the worst case scenarios. They always do take up assumed names, so who knows, the silent Chuunin you've never ever paid any attention to, or worse, much unwanted attention to, might just very well be the next Lord."

"I'd even tell you a titbit – not all of them want to go back and be a Daimyo. So there is always at minimum two heirs receiving training at a time." Tsunade leaned over and whispered in her ear conspiratorially. "Jiraiya is one of them. Or rather, he was."

"What?" Poor Kurenai flounced, so far away from her element that she lost her bearings momentarily.

"Daimyo-sama never forgets." Tsunade winks. "I bet he still remembers what you did to him – or rather, by the scale of what you did, what you _didn't_ do."

"It's all in the past!" Kurenai squeaked, inches from fainting. Oh gods, if she had known, she wouldn't have taken out all her accumulated frustrations on the persistent man. The Chuunin exams had been stressing – the accompanying stay in the hospital even more so. She hadn't been in the right state of mind when the idiot hit on her.

"Aa, but to Daimyo-sama it's not, and..." Tsunade shrugged. "Your mission is your mission, I'll help arrange for any backup sensei you'd need. And any other _matters_."

"Ehh, backup sensei?" Kiba shouted. "What'd you mean by that?"

"In case you hadn't been following, and in case it wasn't sufficiently apparent to even a five year old Academy Initiate, well, your sensei is being assigned solo to a mission by Daimyo-sama himself. So she can't take care of you." Each was a stab to Kiba's ego. Seriously, being compared to an _Academy Initiate _no less!

Tsunade had a full blown Cheshire grin on her face at that point, and was blatantly soaking in joy by the distress she was causing them. Jiraiya always had a theory that she was a closet sadist, but hey, joy is not going to appear out of mid air in the drab and boring office. You'd have to _grab _it yourself.

"So Kurenai, your mission begins tomorrow. I'll give you today to settle the replacement sensei issue, or if you want I have some recommendations here." Tsunade grinned.

* * *

"ERO-SENNIN!" Naruto yelled into the ear of the drooling Sannin, who was preoccupied by the sights his right eye was taking in.

"Wha – er – FUCK!" Said Sannin lost his balance and crashed spectacularly backwards, and his yell also served to inform the ladies in the bath about the voyeur outside.

"IT'S THE WHITE HAIRED PERVERT! GET HIM!"

A stampede of women clutching an assortment of weapons charged out, but found nothing but empty air.

* * *

"This is the only time I'd be saving you, Ero-sennin." Naruto grinned. "I need you for something."

"What's it?" Jiraiya snapped, upset over losing the view of those glorious mounds he had in sight just mere moments ago.

"Baa-chan wanted you to see this." Passing over the paper, Naruto had a most Cheshire grin plastered on his face.

"Now, if you think you'd be able to scream 'there he is!' when you're done with me, you're sorely mistaken, gaki!" Jiraiya chided.

"Now, see here, did you even read what she gave you?" Jiraiya shook the wad of paper in front of his face.

"No, I didn't." Naruto shook his head.

"Wha – Gah, never mind." Jiraiya sighed. "Well, you've been able to use the Rasengan, yes?"

"Yeah!" Naruto cheered. "It's freaking awesome!"

"What she wanted me to make you do was to do it without clones." Jiraiya sighed. He would be having words with Tsunade.

What was she thinking when she wrote that note? He wasn't ready yet – at all. Perhaps in a year, then there might be a modicum of possibility, but it'd take a growth spurt of epic proportions – he had to be of Jounin material.

"But it's hard, and I can do it, so why bother?" Naruto whined.

Jiraiya thought of an appropriate lie to fib. Lying his ass off he spoke again. "It'd make you THAT much more awesome when the ball springs from your palm all of a sudden instead of having two clones surrounding you, you know. Maybe Tsu-hime would be more willing to make you **Hokage** if you had that skill."

_Got him. _Jiraiya smirked.

"AWESOME! You've gotta teach me how to do just that, Ero-sennin!" Naruto nearly squealed, but he caught himself in time.

Jiraiya grinned. Two generations, yet still peas in a pod.

* * *

Kurenai exited the tower in a daze – what had the Daimyo gotten her into?

"Sensei, what is going on?" Shino queried.

"A mistake from my past has returned to mess with me." Kurenai sighed. "And as for you three, you will be getting another sensei for the next two months, while I settle this... mission I was assigned to."

"I thought missions were handled on a Team basis?" Shino asked.

"When the Daimyo asks, you listen. You obey; you don't ask why." Kurenai sighed. "And it's not like there's no precedent of such an odd arrangement."

"So what do we do now, sensei?" Kiba asked, oddly silent and muted, but that might just be the Tsunade Effect.

"Now..." Kurenai held a finger under her chin. "I think I have the sensei in mind, and Hokage-sama will tie up any loose ends on that end, so I guess I'd be bringing you guys to meet her now, then."

Hinata seriously didn't know why she had shivered like so when she saw the expression on her sensei's oddly contemplative face.

Halfway there, Kiba quipped. "Why are we going to a Dango shop, Kurenai-sensei?"

"You'd know once you're there, Kiba-kun." There was an odd gleam in Kurenai's eye, one which made Shino very uncomfortable.

* * *

"So all I have to do is look like a clown in the middle of the FUCKING raging river?" Naruto twitched. Currently topless, wearing only his boxers, he stood on the river bank, levitating about twenty leaves on his body, while failing spectacularly after 5 seconds, where the leaves would float off.

"Yep!" Jiraiya smiled, and Naruto immediately understood where Kakashi learnt his eye smiles from.

"TAJUU KAGE BUSHIN!"

Jiraiya paled. _The kid's **still**__ a freaking chakra well. No matter how many times I see this it's still freaking unbelievable._

* * *

Kiba emerged running from the dango shop, three snakes after him, with Akamaru still perched atop of his head and barking at the three hissing snakes.

Kurenai chuckled behind her palm. It wouldn't be good if she got into trouble with the Inuzuka clan because... _Ah screw it, Tsume would understand._

Mitarashi Anko emerged from the dango shop, a bag of takeaways in an arm, and another using the skewer to pick at her teeth, which were exposed by the wide (sadistic) grin that was taking up quite a portion of her face. "Funny Genins you have there, Kurenai-chan. You sure you want me to take them? Actually, come to think of it, can I even take them?"

"Tsunade-sama would allow it." Kurenai giggled. Maybe tough love would do some good for her team...

* * *

"Tsunade, what the hell were you thinking?" Bushin Jiraiya growled.

"What, am I wrong?" Tsunade snorted. "He's more than ready."

"Really?" Jiraiya snorted. "Genin AND _I-am-here-so-come-kill-me-now_ orange, hello?"

"Not for long. The Chuunin exams are approaching in about four to five months' time, no?" Tsunade smirked. "And I just need to set up a ninja council meeting to decide if he can pass for Jounin soon after that."

"His skills aren't even Chuunin level!" Jiraiya exploded. "At best, I will admit his sneaking ability to be above AnBu level, but the rest are just pathetic!"

"He has the ability to liberally utilize Kage Bushin, as he's demonstrating to you - well, the other you - right now." Tsunade shrugged. "And with his tenant, I doubt any mental backlash would occur."

"Well, granted, that would be a big help for him, not to mention it'd help make up for his atrocious Academy work. Could you arrange a meeting with his senseis at the Academy for me? Jiraiya the Gama-Sennin wants to meet them. And his fists want to get acquainted with their faces _very _well. _Very __**very**__ well._"

"I was about to do that." Tsunade scowled. "So you also noticed?"

"What sort of sane instructor leaves his student wearing _orange_ for such a long time?" Jiraiya groaned.

* * *

Naruto sneezed, and so did his clones, and he realised how important concentration was in chakra control once he plunged into the freezing water.

Jiraiya on the other hand, just guffawed in laughter, rolling on the river bank clutching his sides as tears streaked down his cheeks. Like father like son, the two always seemed to tickle his funny bone with their oddly hilarious (mis)fortunate mishaps.

* * *

"What in the world..." Kiba panted. "What's wrong with that snake bitch?"

"Said snake bitch that will be your sensei for your next two months...?" There was an oddly snake like giggle.

Kiba paled, as a snake crawled up his leg, and he felt a kunai being pressed against his back. He just seemed to have no luck with the females today...

* * *

"So Tsu-hime," Bushin Jiraiya asked. "What've you lined up for the gaki for his training?"

"Oh I don't know, he pissed off the Daimyo and now he's going to have to spend the next two months learning how to be a girl." Tsunade grinned. "And although I have no idea what Daimyo-sama wrote in Kurenai's scroll, I can guess, and it's definitely going to embarrass the hell out of both of them."

"Well, whoever said Daimyo-sama was forgiving was blind." Jiraiya shrugged. "But whoever said Daimyo-sama is one of the most inventive persons ever would be very correct."

* * *

Shizune groaned as the reports from the Hokage's office started making its way down to her own office. Quickly separating the pile of the reports she sifted for the repair commission (she'd learnt to expect it the second time the floor shook and there was a screaming person shooting out of the tower at high speeds) and hastily sent the poor long suffering AnBu messenger to the carpenter _again_. Oddly, she had the impression that the AnBu had already been on the trip so many times that he could do it blindfolded.

Flipping open the budget book, what greeted her sight confirmed her worse fears. "Oh gods, we're spending more on repairs onthe Hokage's room than the _entire_ village, and said village was one that had to endure an attack." Shizune grumbled. "Sooner or later I'd have Tsunade-sama have her office on the roof – I'd like to see how she breaks anything again."

"Then again," Shizune shrugged, returning to the stacks of paperwork requiring her sorting and transferral to the respective departments. "She's the incarnate of Murphy's."

* * *

Tsunade sneezed, and her hand, which was about to pat Jiraiya in the back for the jib against the Daimyo, jerked forward, smashing into the Kage Bushin and dispelling it.

* * *

"What's with her mood swings..." Jiraiya grumbled as the memories transferred. "She's already past menopause, so she has no excuse."

"Ero-sennin!" Naruto yelled. "Look at this!"

"Two handed, eh, Naruto? Not bad..." Jiraiya smiled. "But still much to work on, go on!"

"Do I really need to, ero-sennin?" Naruto whined.

Sighing, Jiraiya cradled his head in his hands. _Why'd they have to be so similar in how annoying they are too..._ "Dispel your clones and I'd see if you need more practise."

* * *

Edit (28 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

Chapter 4 - _Not to mention my superior masculinity._

* * *

"So, tell me, what have you planned for my team?" Kurenai asked, legs swinging freely. Currently seated next to Mitarashi Anko on a bridge banister, she carefully balanced a bowl of steaming ramen in one hand and the other held a pair of chopsticks that picked at it, stirring the miso in the soup and frowning at the prospects.

_Damn it, I'd better get a taste for this thing, since it's __**highly **__likely that I'd have to eat this for the most of the two months. _Kurenai sighed miserably as she played with the broth. _Maybe I can add some salted octopus inside... But that would probably just taste incredibly weird and a waste of salted octopus and ramen.  
_

"Well, mostly Taijutsu exercises for the Aburame, some Genjutsu for the Inuzuka, and for the Hyuuga..." Anko shrugged. "I don't really know. Most likely Ninjutsu, but I'm not sure how well the Hyuuga will take it."

"Most likely they'd regard it as an affront to the _superiority _of the _Jyuuken_." Kurenai shrugged. "I got in trouble teaching her a simple _Genjutsu_, mind you. Although they've let up a bit on this now, it's best not to take chances."

"Well..." Anko sighed. "Jyuuken is good and all, but it's not really something that is invincible. There hasn't been any Hyuuga taking over, or being considered for Hokage yet."

"Don't screw up with Hinata-chan, Anko." Kurenai sighed. "She has enough issues as it is."

* * *

Tsunade glumly picked up the pen and started filling up the paperwork. She lit up when the door opened, and Shizune came in, before said Shizune promptly went up in smoke to reveal another Tsunade. "Your turn now?" Tsunade grinned. "Finally!"

Sighing, the ex-Shizune Tsunade nodded.

Releasing a long sigh with an undertone of relaxation, the Tsunade behind the desk placed her hands in a seal, but paused briefly to ask the ex-Shizune Tsunade a question. "Where's the real deal, anyway?"

"Drunk and passed out in the Hokage's Manor." Shaking her head, the other Tsunade walked up to the Hokage's desk and placed the paper bag she carried on it. "But not before summoning me into existence..."

Chuckling, the first Tsunade dismissed herself, going off in a poof of smoke. Seating herself, the new Tsunade took a white bottle from the paper bag and placed it to the side, and then stored the paper bag carefully in a drawer.

Taking out the cap, Tsunade downed the bottle. Slightly intoxicated, and grinning like a loon, the Godaime went to work. Whoever said that Kage Bunshins didn't need alcoholic beverages, or any sustenance at all (since their existence was temporary) had never been the Godaime's Kage Bunshin before.

* * *

Hatake Kakashi smiled at his team behind his orange book. Sasuke, from where he was in the now emptied river, glared at him. Stabbing his stick roughly into the rubbish, with a non-committal grunt the Uchiha scion proceeded to dump the trash into the plastic bag Kakashi-bushin was holding apart while asleep.

Sakura, already exhausted, proceeded to clamber like a slug onto the clean grass on the river bank. Her chest heaving, the Haruno really appreciated how _useful_ the Uzumaki was about right now. Glaring at the worthless team mate, he thought sulkily about how pitiful Konoha was, and how much he was being restricted, limited, and held back at the weak village. _Pitiful, Haruno. Even the dobe is a much better ninja than you will ever be. He might be very annoying, but at least he does his work. If he was here, this would have been completed hours ago.  
_

Pausing in his thoughts, the Uchiha scion shook his head. _No matter, even if he's still an efficient worker, he is still a dobe – my talent, my power __**eclipses **__that of his. These eyes of mine..._

_Not to mention my superior masculinity._

Shaking his head at the direction of thoughts the Uchiha was headed, Kakashi sighed. _Have I failed?_

* * *

"So..." Kabuto nonchalantly looked at the person in the cage. "Another failure."

Disregarding the victim who was now clawing at his own eyes, he placed a cross next to a name on his clipboard. Picking up an ampoule from the cupboards that towered over him, he made his way carefully to a door with a snake symbol on it. Knocking on the door twice lightly, and thrice in staccato, and twisted the door knob open.

"Orochimaru-sama? Time for your medicine." Kabuto pushed his glasses up as he reached for a jug of water by Orochimaru's bedside.

"These hands are worthless." Orochimaru hissed. "And this body is giving out - I'd give it one more week or so before it breaks down. How goes the capture of Sasuke-kun...?"

"Konoha has bumped up border patrols thrice-fold since the invasion." Kabuto shook his head. "It's inadvisable to make the Sound Four sneak in – they're good, but not good enough to avoid the upgraded patrols, much less capture Sasuke-kun and high tail it out of there alive."

"Tsunade..." Orochimaru frowned. "How many times must you foil my plans..."

Turning to face Kabuto, the Sannin had a very serpentine look on his face. "Prepare the next body. Tsunade cannot force the current patrol levels up forever. It may take time, but it _will _fall."

"Then..." Orochimaru clenched his fist. "We strike."

"Indeed." Kabuto's glasses caught the sun, and glinted, masking his eyes from sight. "I will prepare them in the meantime."

* * *

A man garbed loosely in a yukata wandered the streets of Hikari, the capital of Hi no Kuni. Behind him an assorted entourage followed, but most bore the distinction of having a yellow scarf with the official seal of Hi no Kuni embroided on one edge.

"Daimyo-sama." A man walked out from the crowd and knelt down in front of the man.

"I didn't expect you for some time." The now-identified Daimyo chuckled. "Rise."

"Thank you Daimyo-sama." The man bowed.

"So..." The Daimyo strode on, and the man fell in step behind him. "How are the plans coming along?"

"Very well, Daimyo-sama." The man paused briefly. "But why do you have to do _that_ now to him...?"

"Because it is the best way to have the proper etiquette drilled into his head." The Daimyo chuckled. "He may grumble and curse my blood for now, but in the end he'd appreciate it. Learning how to act like a lord before becoming one is a lesson that I'm sure he will especially appreciate. As he will find out."

"But why him, specifically?" The man bowed. "I mean no disrespect, but he seems to be a poor choice. He... Well, you know how he is, Daimyo-sama."

"Hmm…" The Daimyo paused in his strides. "That is a good question. Unfortunately I'm unable to give you an appropriate answer as of right now. Suffice to say he has the makings of a great leader underneath – there's just a couple of flaws that we need to fix first."

"What about the other?" The man scratched his cheek. "To me at least he's a far better choice if we're looking at training since he is more suitable..."

"The other is worthless." The Daimyo sighed. "He might be more suitable as far as etiquette, smarts and knowledge goes, yes, but he is much more meek; he has the workings of a follower, not a leader. Yes, to lead, you must follow first, but he is totally incapable of leading. He can learn, yes, but if so, why can't the other?"

Turning to face the man, he chuckled. "When both needs to learn, I do think it's the easier option to choose the one with the most potential and capabilities. And when the other has seemingly infinite potential, I guess the choice is a no-brainer. But I shall be fair - both will be accorded the same chances and the choice will ultimately rest on their performance."

"Daimyo-sama is wise." The man bowed, again.

"And that's why I'm the Daimyo, not you. Shouldn't you get going?" The Daimyo smirked. "If you don't get back any time soon, Tsu-hime would get suspicious, and that's something my retainer doesn't want, doesn't he… Sarutobi?"

* * *

"_RASENGAN!_" Naruto snarled, as the ball of raging chakra blossomed in his empty palm.

"Yes!" The clones cheered, but their faces fell as the ball slowly fizzled out, before dispersing in a large whiplash of air, before dispelling as the backlash hit.

"More practise for you then, Naruto." Jiraiya yawned. "You still have much room for improvement."

"But that's…" Naruto mentally calculated, something he was surprisingly good at, given his status as an all round idiot. "Already about 1500 hours of chakra practise already!"

"What can I say, your control sucks." Jiraiya shrugged. "And the furball in your tummy isn't helping your control. Minato was a genius, yes, his talent eclipses that of mine, but even he is not perfect; your seal is releasing minute amounts of Youki every minute. This means that you have to control _both_ the normal chakra AND youki at the same time. Admittedly, it isn't easy, but whoever said life was fair is an idiot."

"Besides, when it is fully absorbed within you, the seal will disperse itself and you'd have unparalleled chakra control." Jiraiya grinned. "Youki might appear easy to control, but I assure you, it's much much harder than normal human chakra."

"Really?" Naruto gasped. "I'm that _much _awesome?"

_Bad choice of words there, Jiraiya. _Sighing, the Gama sennin nodded. "Youki is very potent – it's this potency that makes it so hard to control. To be honest, the mastery of Youki requires very exact chakra control – I'm not sure if Tsu-hime herself possesses this level of control."

Looking at the utterly satisfied look on Naruto's face, Jiraiya added, fibbing his ass off in the process again. "Your current level, however, is still only that of a low Chuunin. You still have much room for improvement! Perish thoughts of being Hokage if you think a low Chuunin level of Chakra control is any where near satisfactory!"

"Hai hai, _TAJUU KAGE BUSHIN!_" Pulling out another legion of clones from his ass, Naruto got back to what he termed as the "most ridiculous chakra exercise ever in the history of Konoha" with great vigor.

* * *

Kurenai finally gave up and chucked the instant ramen into the rubbish bin – she really hated the taste of preservatives in the excessive amounts inherently present in all instant produce. Heading to a ramen shop would be a much better option. Hence the marketplace was witness to the sight of the Genjutsu Mistress dragging a visibly distressed Snake Mistress to a ramen store.

"They don't serve _dango _in ramen shops, Kurenai-chan!" Anko cried out in despair. "Someone, save me!"

* * *

River cleaning exercise complete, Team Kakashi sans Uzumaki made their way back to the tower. Reporting to the Hokage, Kakashi drawled. "Team 7, mission completed."

"Sensei, could we go home?" Sakura whined. "I want to wash my clothes as fast as possible – before the smell sticks."

"Yes yes, go home." Kakashi sighed, as Sasuke and Sakura exited the office, having asked him to keep their pay for them till tomorrow's training. "Training Ground 7, 07 00 hours!" He called after them.

"Hokage-sama?" Kakashi asked, when the doors closed and his team was no longer present. "Please, assign me to fifty, no, five hundred D-Ranked missions if you so desire, but never to a Genin cell again."

* * *

"Iruka-san."

Said Chuunin jumped, being caught by surprise. Turning around to see who nearly had given him a heart attack, his heart jumped as he spotted the classic eyes of a Hyuuga.

"Hiashi-sama requests your presence."

Nodding mutely, Iruka could only pray to the gods above that the Hyuuga patriarch had no evil - scratch that - any intentions. "Give me five minutes – I need to keep these exam scripts first."

* * *

Hyuuga Hiashi was a composed man. His upbringing mostly focused on his behaviour around others, his skills, and nothing of his human development. As a person he was nearly perfect – as a human his emotional growth could only be described as stunted, although the death of Hizashi had done some good.

Currently he was doing the Hyuuga equivalent of pacing a hole – stirring a teacup distractedly. He had sent a trusted Branch member to get Umino Iruka for a meeting. What Umino and the Branch member didn't know was that the meeting would be one that decided the fate of the clan.

The clan head, rather, but the clan head directs the clan, so both are in effect nearly the same. While it was true that who was to be the clan head had yet to be decided, given the performance and ability it was more or less already apparent to most, if not all in the clan.

"Umino Iruka." Hiashi muttered. "I expect good things from you."

* * *

"So…" Jiraiya looked on, impressed. "To think you could do this in under a day."

"Heh, don't diss the Kage Bushin!" Naruto smirked, one palm out, showing off his newest skill, the art of One-Handed Rasengans. And with it, the art of Dual Rasengans.

"The Kage Bushin training method is good, but promise me Naruto." Jiraiya was oddly silent. "Don't ever use it without the supervision of a Jounin. The backlash, while buffered by the healing factor, is still something very dangerous."

"Backlash?" Naruto asked, using his other hand to scratch his cheek.

"As you know, Kage Bushins, when dispelled, grant you their memories, no? A normal ninja would have suffered from sensory overload from just three Kage Bushins, and you're summoning more than a small army here!" Jiraiya shook his head. "While the healing factor, or rather, most likely the one behind the healing factor, is apparently taking care of this unwanted side effect, it is still very much inadvisable for you to abuse it too much."

"But it's so good!" Naruto groaned. "It's freakass awesome!"

"It's only good for chakra control techniques, Naruto." Jiraiya sighed, and ran one grizzled hand through his white ropey hair. "Genjutsu and Ninjutsu are very chakra intensive, so using clones to train isn't a very valid AND sane method. Taijutsu… It might be useful to get used to the kata, but the muscle memory, which are crucial to Taijutsu, is impossible to build up with Kage Bushin."

"Well, actually, it might be useful for accuracy, but that's only a small part of a whole." Jiraiya shrugged. "Of course, there are other areas where Kage Bushins will be useful, but for now it's useless for you, except for chakra control. Well, admittedly it would be immensely useful if you left a bunch in the Konoha library so that they can finally work some appreciation of literature and knowledge into you..."

"So, how about some dinner?" Jiraiya smiled. "My treat – no ramen, first of all. I'd introduce you to this nice restaurant I ate at some time ago. Some real food will do wonders for your height instead of ramen everyday..."

* * *

Edit (28 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

Chapter titles are from conversations in the chapter itself.

* * *

Chapter 5 - _I am **NOT **a shrimp__._

* * *

"But I still say Ramen is better!" Naruto pouted. "I trained so hard – nothing less than Ramen will sate my stomach!"

"Tell me, Naruto." Jiraiya turned and faced the young Genin, with an evil grin on his face. "What Ramen do you always eat?"

"Was there ever a need for such a ridiculous question?" Naruto exclaimed. "Shoyu Ramen is undoubtedly the best, Ero-Sennin!"

"You eat Shoyu Ramen daily?" Jiraiya gagged, his nefarious plans instantly forgotten after the shocking revelation. "ONLY Shoyu Ramen?"

"Yep! Three bowls on average during each meal, in fact." Naruto chirped. "If I'm particularly hungry then I order a few more bowls of Miso Ramen as well! I do switch around sometimes though..."

"Black hole..." Jiraiya was aghast. "Truth to be told gaki, I knew your parents. They might not tower above the rest like me (At this Naruto snorted.), but they sure are above average! The relations I had with your parents dictate that I MUST make sure you eat a variety of food to ensure that your nutrition ratio is not all screwed up! Their child may be shorter than them, but on _my_ honour, he will _not _be a _**shrimp**_!"

"I am **NOT **a shrimp, Ero-Sennin!" Naruto snapped. "And who're my unfortunate parents, anyway!"

"Unfortunate?" Jiraiya snorted. "Gods, no! They were so happy when they knew you'd be born! I can't tell you who your parents are yet – you're still too weak to deal with your father's enemies, who'd be looking for you if the information goes out – but be assured that they were honourable and greatly respected people. And they were taller than you. Much taller."

* * *

Asuma slunk into the shadows. Being the Daimyo's retainer was rewarding, but punishing at the same time. The Daimyo could be exceedingly persuasive – he was by no sense a great orator, but he possessed a undeniable leadership ability AND an amazingly dogged determination that just wore down your defences one by one. However that somehow just didn't work on the females...

"Father said it was a pity he had to be the Daimyo." Asuma grumbled. "So he sent me as a Fire Guardian to him – bah, what father does is never exact. It's always hidden below so many god damned layers. God damn Hokage-speak."

Come to think of it, someone back at Konoha also had the same disposition. Now, if only he'd remember who it was...

* * *

"One Shoyu Ramen." Kurenai pulled the chair out and seated herself. Behind, a dishevelled Mitarashi Anko straightened out her clothes and pulled the neighbouring chair out, sulking. Her eyes brightened when she spotted the menu, which indicated that yes, the shop _did _stock her precious dango.

The plate of dango barely touched the table top before Mitarashi "Dango Queen" Anko gobbled it up near instantaneously, giving a satisfied burp as the now empty plate clattered on the table top.

"Dango for dinner?" Kurenai snorted. "How's it even filling is a mystery..."

"Hey, no dissing the dango!" Anko snarled, flicking the skewer at the Genjutsu Mistress, who deftly stopped the skewer mid flight with her chopsticks.

"Here's your Shoyu Ramen, enjoy." The waitress set the bowl down on the table carefully, her practised motions making it apparent that the 'outbreak' between shinobi was a rather common occurrence.

An unfortunate occurrence, but that just came along from setting up shop in one of the most prosperous ninja village. Cleaning up after ninja was tiring and boring after the first week, but at least business was brisk and paid well, not to mention the Hokage usually paid for any repairs required due to actions from her shinobi. Said shinobi usually were willing to fix the place up as well, and if the figures flying out of the Hokage tower frequently was any indication, she had a very good idea why.

* * *

Iruka stumbled; he was very nervous. It's not every day where a mere Academy teacher is summoned by the head of the Hyuuga Clan, which was the dominant Clan in Konoha now with the Uchiha Clan in shambles. And for a Branch member to actually personally head down to the Academy to get him – the connotations were just simply unthinkable. Usually they'd only send a bird messenger if they were polite. Otherwise, it was a note pinned next to your pillow, with a polite, but exceedingly brief and impersonal note that emphasised the need to attend to it immediately.

Hyuuga Hiashi lifted his head from his calligraphy as he heard the sound of the door being slid open. "Hiashi-sama, Iruka-san is here."

"Send him in." The Branch member bowed, and retreated. "You may leave now."

"Umino Iruka." Hiashi intoned, just as Iruka walked in, and said Umino jumped slightly in surprise. Hiashi set down his brush and moved the parchment bearing still drying words out of the way.

"Err – Yes?" Iruka picked at his shorts, so severely away from his element that he resembled a fresh Genin receiving _the_ stare from the Hokage.

_Well, most of the fresh Genin – Team 7 is an anomaly._ Iruka caught himself before he sighed in front of the Hyuuga clan head. He really liked living, thank you very much. Pissing off the Hyuuga would be _severely_ counter productive.

"I've called you here today to discuss about the education Hanabi is receiving." Hiashi spoke, the only sign of his discomfort being the slight frown on his face.

"Ah – err – Hanabi-san is in my class this year." Iruka really wished that the conversation would end immediately so he could get the hell **out** of the Hyuuga compound. _Shit shit shit shit, I'm pretty sure I taught Hanabi well... _

"How is her class performance?" Hiashi had an unreadable expression on his face. "Be frank, hold nothing back."

_With that murderous face, how the hell am I going to be frank... _"She is the top ninja in her class, but she is estranged from her classmates." Iruka spewed out like a machine, his thoughts churning. How many times had he practised this speech, and then gathered every ounce of courage he possessed. And then said courage promptly shattered at the sight of the imposing Hyuuga Clan gates. He had to spend a few weeks to gather his courage to attempt once more, but he never made it into the Clan Compounds, or even into the gate. "She is very driven, but is antisocial. She is also very prideful – she accepts nothing less than domination of her classmates in terms of skill, despite being physically limited by time and her age."

"Indeed?" Hiashi sipped his tea. "And how would you rate her character?"

"As earlier mentioned, she is very prideful. She tends to look down on others when they are incapable of performing as well as her, and given what she demands from herself it occurs all the time.." Iruka paused. "Some pride is good, yes, and Hinata needs to be proud of herself. Hanabi is too prideful, however. She is incapable of socializing with her classmates as a result, and apathetic during group work."

"I trust you realise why I called you here today?" Hiashi muttered, focusing on the wisps of smoke from his tea than at Iruka.

"It is about Hanabi-san and the issue of pride...?" Iruka scratched his head.

"Specifically," Hiashi stood up and strode to the bookshelf. "Hanabi's abundance of pride."

Iruka panicked slightly as he noticed the Hyuuga clan head performing some seals, wherein the end of a sequence was marked by the walls of the room emitting a slight glow in an obscure pattern.

"I have sealed the room from outside interference and eavesdropping jutsu." Hiashi spoke, and Iruka jumped when he was caught unaware. "Certain... parts of the clan do not take kindly to discussion of clan matters with outsiders. Especially where the education of a heir is concerned."

"I see..." Iruka nodded hesitantly.

"The Hyuuga clan is prideful – that I do admit." Hiashi snorted. "Hanabi, however, have been corrupted by the mentality of the Hyuuga elders. She has forgotten that she, before being a Hyuuga, is a shinobi in service to the village."

Pausing in his tirade (The Hyuugas rarely spoke more than 20 words in a day - for any of them to speak so much was a quasi-miracle in itself), the Hyuuga clan head leaned forward. "So – I have arranged for Hanabi to be attached to you for the remaining of the Academy years. You will grant her no special permission – you will treat her like a normal child. Your child. She will be in all but name Umino Hanabi for the next... two years."

"WHAT?" Iruka yelled, all sense of decorum instantly thrown out of the window.

* * *

Tsunade giggled. She didn't know why, but she had a gut feeling she just screwed the day of someone she knew through the brat – they always made her more ticklish than usual (she experimented) and tended to lapse into bouts of random laughter more easily when they suffered – screw the gaki and his paperwork introducing ill-timed pranks and the whole shebang.

Goddamn brat.

Tsunade smiled.

* * *

"Thanks for your patronage!" The waitress called after them as the two kunoichi left the tables.

"When're you going to take the Jounin examinations, Anko-chan?" Kurenai teased, slightly tipsy from her traditional glass of wine after dinner. She was still alert, yes, and fully capable of executing her duties, but her inhibitions were lowered. "Amongst our batch that passed the Chuunin examinations you're still the only Tokubetsu Jounin left!"

"Feh!" Anko slurred. "I remain Tokubetsu for a reason! No stupid stinkin' brat to look after as Tokubetsu! You have! I don't! Anko WIN!"

Shaking her head, Kurenai giggled. _Whoever assigns kids to you must be mentally insane... I guess Ibiki counts as being an ass instead of insane, though, and so do I._ "You're drunk, Anko-chan!"

"Drunk I am, but my victory is forever clear!" Anko cheered with great enthusiasm. "For I am the GREAT Anko-sama, bitches!"

"Like hell you are!" Kurenai snorted.

* * *

"I'm not going into a brothel, Ero-Sennin!" Naruto snapped in indignation. "You aren't going to make me an enemy of women just like you!"

"Wha - no!" Jiraiya snorted. "Tsunade'd kill me! I still haven't had my fill of fun yet!"

Naruto stared at the Sannin with deep suspicion.

Jiraiya glared half-heartedly at the blond Genin. Honestly, he wasn't _that_ much of a pervert, was he?

_On second thoughts, don't answer that._

Naruto sighed. Seated next to him was the only link to his parents, and boy, was Jiraiya's mouth shut even more tightly than the door to most of Konoha's stores! Shut for him, that is. Those doors were certainly welcoming when he went in under his Oiroke form. But in this case, he was pretty sure Jiraiya would still not spill a single word even when faced with the Oiroke's form, despite his perversion.

"So... What kind of shop is this?" Naruto stared at the store in disbelief. "I'm of the mind that it would be a very very good idea to get out of this place right now."

"Well, it's what you'd call a... cafe, I guess?" Jiraiya grinned. "Yes, cafe."

"A WHAT?" Naruto snarled. "I'm not going into any place you introduce to me with that lecherous grin plastered on your face!"

"Psch, that's what your father said when I introduced him to Icha Icha..." Jiraiya smirked. "He was _so_ grateful after that, he addressed me as Jiraiya-sama from then on!"

"Well I'm not too sure if being whacked in the balls is being thanked, Ero-Sennin..." Naruto chuckled.

"Tsunade told you?" Jiraiya shouted, asgast.

"Amongst others." Naruto smirked. "Baa-chan is very loose lipped when really drunk."

"Tell me, did you hear about the time she and Orochimaru nearly kissed?" Jiraiya demanded, eager to salvage his pride by backstabbing his teammate in typical ninja fashion.

"Wherein you were under a_ Henge _as Orochimaru?" Naruto snorted. He stopped once he spotted the gobsmacked expression on the Sannin's face.

"Wait, you mean to tell me that I actually guessed correctly?" Naruto glared at the Sannin. "I really didn't need to know that the man whose teaching me is so pathetic."

"Pfft, if you were a man you'd be drooling after those monstrous knockers yourself!" Jiraiya snorted. "Unless you don't have a pair, then... Well, you DID get assigned the female role after all -"

* * *

Tsunade didn't know why, but she felt oddly gratified when she spotted Jiraiya's figure in the air.

* * *

"Anko. Let go of me." Kurenai uttered for the umpteenth time. "When I say let go of me, I mean let go of me NOW."

"Shan't!" Anko whined. "Shan't shan't shan't shan't~!"

"Let. Go." Kurenai gritted her teeth as her former Genin teammate clutched at her, and in the process groping her breasts.

"Shannnnn't!" Anko singsonged, as she happily flexed her hands.

Kurenai sighed before using _Kawarimi_.

* * *

"So, how was the cafe?" Jiraiya smirked, as his apprentice rubbed the now full belly.

"Excellent." Naruto burped. "But I still prefer ramen."

"Considering that you almost got us evicted from the shop, which I _really_ like, permanently because of your _ramen _comments... Not to mention what you did to me earlier, I guess this is warranted." Jiraiya kicked the blond Genin. "ENOUGH ABOUT RAMEN, DAMN IT!"

* * *

Kurenai couldn't decide if the yellow thing that fell from the sky was a blessing or a curse. While it did get the problem of Anko persistently hanging onto her out of the way, she was now stuck under two bodies.

Two unconscious bodies, for apparently both collided head on. Sighing, she attempted to do a _Kawarimi_ only to notice that her hands were pinned under her.

_Aww shit_.

* * *

Naruto woke groggily in a foreign apartment. The first thought that high tailed it out of his subconscious and into the forefront of his thoughts was that he had been kidnapped.

Which would explain the bindings.

"Now, if you'd kindly explain why you crashed into my friend in the dead of the night from the skies, I might consider ridding you of your bindings." A voice emerged from behind the door.

"MFFFFFFFFF!" Naruto snarled behind his gag. "MFFFFFFF, MFFT? MMFFFF, FFT." (Or: "I'm gagged!" and "How am I supposed to speak, asshat? The floor stinks, by the way. Dick.")

* * *

Edit (28 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

Chapter 6 -_ An unmarried, young, eligible, hot woman with a young, virile man staying together under the same roof?  
_

* * *

"Well, I guess that was an oversight on my part." The figure shrugged. "But..."

"MFFFFFFT!" Naruto growled. (Or: "I'm not standing for this, you asshole!")

Forming a handseal, Naruto executed his _Kawarimi_.

"Well, I'd be surprised!" Kurenai chuckled. "A one handed Kawarimi, eh?"

"You'd find that I'm full of surprises." Naruto rubbed his sore wrists. "And who're you?"

"What, I'm pretty sure this isn't your first time seeing my face." Kurenai paused. "Then again, it is sort of understandable since you haven't seen me in this state before..."

Kurenai reached for her usual attire, neatly arranged on a hanger currently on a clothes hook. Given that his captor was currently dressed in a nightshirt with a pair of khaki's underneath, and with her hair still messed up from sleep, Naruto really couldn't relate this woman with anyone he knew. But that dress was sort of familiar... AH!

"Oh! Kurenai-san!" Naruto coughed. "I'm sorry, I couldn't recognize you without your bandage dress."

"Bandage... dress?" Kurenai's eyebrow rose.

"That's what Kakashi-sensei called it, anyway." Naruto shrugged. "Now for more important matters, do you have anything to eat? I'm very hungry, and I'm not a happy man when running on empty.

"Well, the kitchen's to the right." Kurenai called after the blond Genin. "Key note: DON'T mess up my kitchen!"

"Aye aye!" Naruto mock-saluted, hands already occupied with rummaging through the kunoichi's larder.

"And now for Anko..." Grinning like a loon, Kurenai peeked out of the room, and spotted the Snake Mistress still asleep outside in the balcony. Plotting, the Genjutsu mistress reached for a bucket, and walked calmly to the bathroom.

* * *

"Where's that blond gaki?" Jiraiya paced the location Naruto should have landed last night hurriedly. "He's not in his apartment, nor pigging out at any Ramen store in Konoha, nor in any of the Rookie 9's houses... Tsunade would've my head if I don't find him immediately."

"Jiraiya-sama?" Kakashi queried, poking the Gama Sennin lightly on the shoulders. Behind him a bleary eyed Sakura dragged herself along, while a visibly upset Uchiha growled.

"Yes?" Jiraiya stared at the Jounin, and then something clicked.

"Kakashi, lend me a ninken." Jiraiya grinned. "The one with the best tracking abilities."

Kakashi shrugged, and complied. Weird request or not, who was he to argue with his idol.

* * *

"Do you _even_ have normal food in here?" Naruto complained. "I mean, I can't find anything remotely palatable!"

"I had no idea _only _ramen made up the category of normal food, Naruto-kun." Kurenai paused. "Or would it be Naruto-chan, soon?"

"...And why're you filling up a bucket of water?" Naruto muttered, eyeing the Jounin go about the business with much suspicion. If it was for him...!

"Look out of the window." Kurenai instructed, and Naruto complied. "See that sloth there?"

"Seriously, the best a Jounin can come up with is water?" Naruto grinned, prankster mode already engaged. "Why, I'd add something like vinegar into the mix to spice things up!"

"I do not want to piss her off..." Kurenai paused. "Scratch that. I don't want to piss her off too much. I do think pouring something that smells on someone is considered an insult, and not a prank."

"Really?" Naruto had this innocent look of wonder on his face. Perhaps a little too innocent. "Perhaps I should apologize to Sasuke – He should be getting _something_ soon enough."

"Something?"

"Something." Naruto nodded sagely. "Something indeed."

Kurenai wasn't sure if it would be good for her sanity if she asked.

* * *

Sasuke scowled. The day was a pathetic one; he wasted three hours of valuable training time waiting for a tardy sensei, and that worthless excuse of a teammate was still yawning, despite sleeping that three hours away.

His gut was also screaming at him, but he had his Sharingan, no? What could possibly threaten him, the sole owner of the bloodline? Kakashi didn't count – his eye was not his. Kakashi wasn't the master of the eye; he couldn't use it at will.

Something sticky with a distinct odor made the way down his clothes.

_What..._

* * *

Naruto grinned smugly when he heard the Uchiha scion scream in fury.

"What'd you do, Naruto?" Kurenai asked, her curiosity piqued. _What sanity?_

"Well, Sasuke always sulks around a tree when bored, no?" Naruto chuckled. "And Kakashi-sensei always wakes at 09 00 hours in the morning, and after the regular complain Sakura will chuck at him, they'd be on a mission at about 10 20 hours, if baa-chan isn't asleep. Since today is what she dubbed as "Shizune Inspection" day, Shizune-nee will ensure that baa-chan's awake."

Summoning a clone, which promptly _henge-_ed into a generic-looking girl, Naruto continued to tell his story, while Kurenai stopped with her water bucket antics. _And they call him an idiot? This level of strategy is above even most Chuunin!_

Not noticing the elevation in status, Naruto sent the clone out on a Ramen run. "And as all D-Ranked missions are more or less rotated consistently, and knowing how much of an ass Kakashi-sensei is, I know they'd be passing by that area since he'd probably choose the shopping mission. And since that stupid Gama Sennin happens to be Kakashi-sensei's idol, he'd most likely stop to make idle chatter with Ero-Sennin."

A phantom pain sprung up, and Naruto massaged his ass. "And since Ero-sennin really fears baa-chan, after kicking me yesterday and not getting me back, he'd most likely be panicking over there. So I had my clones... _set things up_."

"Set things up?" Kurenai picked up the bucket.

"Set things up." Naruto nodded. "Namely one Kage Bushin and a few buckets of natto." Pausing, Naruto added. "That I filched from the Uchiha manor's storage room, which I must say is rather far from that location, hence a need to set up... The Uchihas are a crazy bunch of coots – who stores natto?"

"Nobody takes care of the manor?" Kurenai asked, walking over to the window cautiously, lest any water hits the floor. The flooring wasn't cheap, thank you very much.

"Well, nobody." Naruto shrugged. "The merchants that owe the Uchiha pay for a Genin team to take care of it annually, but none of the teams really bother. As my team discovered one fine day thanks to Kakashi-sensei."

Grimacing at the thought, Naruto continued. "Sasuke really freaked out – he immediately retreated to his apartment when he heard what we were going to do. So me and Sakura-chan had to clean up, and since Sakura-chan detests dirt, in short, I was the one who cleaned everything."

"So I discovered the natto." Naruto smirked. "And since Sasuke-teme is not Sakura-chan, he gets punished for a dereliction of duty."

"I wasn't aware that you knew such complex words." Kurenai emptied the entire contents of the bucket out of the window, and closed it, leaving a spluttering freshly-awoken Mitarashi Anko on the balcony. Surreptitiously locking the door, Kurenai smirked.

"Hmm, what'd it mean, anyway?" Naruto laughed. "Oh well, it doesn't matter - all that matters is that revenge is a dish best served cold!"

* * *

Sasuke scowled. _Whoever did this will die a most terrible death..._

* * *

Iruka woke with a start. The familiar ceiling informed him that it was his house, but when was it so neat? He was pretty sure that homework should be splattering his work table...

_Oh right. Hyuuga heir._ _His 'child'. _His brain processes caught up, and catching the significance of the words, Umino Iruka, Chuunin, single, freshly made a father of one, fainted again.

* * *

"Hiashi-sama, the Elders demand an..." The messenger was rudely interrupted as said Elders strolled into the room haughtily.

"Hiashi, we've heard that you have handed over Hanabi to some insignificant critter." The Elder at the head spoke.

"I did." Hiashi sipped at his tea calmly, still facing the gardens. "So?"

"This is an outrage!" The Elder snarled. "We demand that you return Hanabi-sama back into our fold and away from the corrupting influence of that plebian!"

"I had no idea that she was your daughter." Hiashi uttered. "And I had no idea the Elders can order me around."

Rising calmly, Hiashi strode forward. "I guess I need to refresh your memories, eh, _'honourable' _Elders?"

A smirk tugged at the rigid corners of his mouth. He wasn't a former high A-Ranked-near-but-still-not-S-Ranked Jounin for decoration, and apparently the Elders remembered judging from the rapidness they evicted themselves from the room.

* * *

Mitarashi Anko, now awake and dry, sat down in front of Kurenai's table, a plate of dango set in front of her.

Yuuhi Kurenai, now slightly ruffled, sat down in front of her table, a bowl of gyuudon in front of her.

Uzumaki Naruto, now visibly perked up, sat down in front of his sensei's table, five bowls of ramen in front of him.

The other two occupants of the table just stared at him with wide eyes.

"What?" Naruto snapped, unable to take the silence anymore.

"Where does it all go?" Anko muttered. "How are you so thin despite being such a glutton?"

"It's ramen." Naruto shrugged. "Shoyu ramen."

Kurenai was about to comment, but spotting how possessive the young Genin was over the noodles she decided that keeping her comments to herself would be the more sane option.

Anko however didn't possess the same self restraint. "What - I - That... that doesn't matter! Food is food! It has to go somewhere..."

"I dunno." Naruto shrugged. "Ramen."

* * *

Jiraiya smirked. A lady's apartment, eh? His apprentice was improving! But to ignore him was criminal. Well, he had a few tricks up his sleeves.

He was about to sneak into the room via the balcony when a torrent of water met his face. Instinctively, he moved to wipe the water off his face, before noticing that the grip he had on the building was gone.

It was apparent that he was going to fall to his death... if he wasn't a Sannin. Summoning a Kage Bushin, he stepped on said clone and propelled himself back onto the wall.

* * *

Naruto's inhalation of his noodles was interrupted by a knock on Kurenai's windows.

"Who is it?" Kurenai called out, a kunai already in hand.

"Jiraiya of the Sannin!" With that, the Sannin unlocked the door and made his way into the apartment.

"Oh, Ero-Sennin!" Naruto called out, having finished off the last bowl while Jiraiya made his way in. "What're you doing here?"

"To tell your new sensei some matters, and to deposit your stuff here." Jiraiya threw a scroll at him. "I took everything in your apartment, and by the way, can I express my disappointment in finding none of my literary works in your possesion. Are you or are you not a man? I took the liberty of throwing in a full set of my works, all limited editions and signed by the one and only!"

"What?" Naruto snapped. "What the hell do you think you are doing, Ero-Sennin! And who wants your books anyway..."

"You haven't let him read the scroll yet?" Jiraiya quirked an eyebrow at the Jounin, ignoring the protesting Genin.

"I knew I forgot something." Kurenai giggled, and withdrew a scroll from the coffee table's surface and passed it to the ranting Naruto.

"Interesting Genjutsu seal on a coffee table..." Jiraiya chuckled. "Interested in some Fuuinjutsu lessons? It could aid your Genjutsu -"

"Yes, but not from you." Kurenai shattered his dreams mercilessly. "Knowing you, I'd be violated before I complete my training."

"Why, how your words wound my fragile heart!" Jiraiya grasped his heart mockingly. "Oh, how near I hang to the edge of the precipice of despair!"

"Is he really the Sannin?" Kurenai whispered to Naruto.

"Unfortunately, yes." Naruto sighed theatrically.

"Hey!" Jiraiya snapped.

* * *

Iruka jolted awake, the scent of food tickling his senses. _Someone's making food for me... Smells like gyuudon.  
_

Then the implications set in. And said Chuunin fainted again.

Hanabi sighed as she looked at her 'father' faint again.

* * *

"So for the duration of these two months, I'd be living with her?" Naruto snapped, slamming the scroll on the table.

"Indeed you will be." Jiraiya nodded sagely.

"And instead of thinking about how unfortunate you are, think about me." Kurenai muttered, tapping her feet.

"An unmarried, young, eligible, hot woman with a young, virile man staying together under the same roof?" Jiraiya had a lecherous look on his face, and before Kurenai's kick could reach, leapt from the balcony. "Expect my next book! Kekekeke..."

Naruto silently threw a kunai after the departing Gama Sennin.

* * *

Kakashi giggled. He didn't know why, but he felt as if he would have the next fix of Icha Icha even earlier than expected.

Sakura panted. It had been quite an experience going shopping with Sasuke indeed, and she'd make sure to rub it in Ino's face the next time they met. _**Take that, cha!**_

Sasuke glared at his giggling sensei. Instead of giggling like a girl, perhaps that waste of space would actually teach him something besides acting like a sissy.

Shopping, given his current status with most Konoha citizens, was an almost impossible experience. It was hard enough to find what he wanted, but even harder to stop those irritating shop keepers from stuffing more items in or giving him discounts with Kakashi giving him a pandering look. If he wasn't Uchiha, he would have sulked. But since he _was _Uchiha Sasuke, he settled with glaring daggers at Hatake Kakashi.

Apparently Sakura noticed, since she squealed. Kakashi sighed. _Not fangirl mode again..._

* * *

"So... Which room do I use?" Naruto looked at Kurenai expectantly, clutching the scroll containing his worldly possessions in his left hand.

"The living room for now." Kurenai gave a sheepish smile. "I need to clean up the room you would be using first, because apparently Anko has mastered the art of room destruction."

"I could fix it up?" Naruto suggested. "It won't take long."

"Well, you could. I'd be going to get some equipment I'd need first, so your training officially begins after lunch." Kurenai dug in her pockets, and gave him a pair of keys. "The one with the spiral marking is for your room, and the one with the red circle is for the apartment's. Don't lose them, or I'd be forced to punish you."

"Hai hai, go get about your stuff!" Naruto smiled. "Time to do some clean up! _TAJUU KAGE BUSHIN!_"

Facing his clones, Naruto pointed in the direction of his new room. "Go! My _ARMY_!"

* * *

Kurenai walked to a clothing store whose owner she knew personally. In her hand she clutched measurements of Naruto, which she had taken the night before.

"Kurenai!" The owner smiled. "What'd you want today?"

"Well, firstly, I need a couple of outfits according to these measurements..."

* * *

Edit (28 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

I would just like to note that I do not watch the anime, so if there's anything the anime has shown to not be true or otherwise (like say, with regards to distance or character facts) or if I have happened to re-use a joke I am unaware of it. Nor do I really care if I contradict - this is supposed to be a labour borne out of free time, not demanded nor necessary, so you'd have to excuse me if I didn't adhere to the details perfectly. I mostly read manga, because it saves time (for more manga) and also because anime mostly have manga equivalents OR were adapted from manga. As in the case of the Naruto anime, I didn't feel like watching it given the fillers and other time-wasting portions.

Also, with relevance to this story I would like to note that I am, by gender, upbringing or education, a male. Thus, this story, which does involve some female parts, might get a little unrealistic or totally untrue, to which all I can do is to beg your pardon.

* * *

Chapter 7 - _Do I really have to wear this?_

* * *

"What sort of clothing do you have in mind?" The owner asked, accepting the measurements.

Kurenai giggled. She had edited the measurements, adding a little here and reducing a little there, not by too much to make it both visibly fake and uncomfortable, but by enough to enhance the (what little) natural curves Naruto had, and to be clingy enough to not make him appear too squarish. By some odd stroke of luck the young Genin had a rather lithe body for a male, and the presence of the Kyuubi ensured that he had no calluses, and a lightly tanned skin colour, which wasn't too out of place, which was fortunate that she didn't have to plan any beauty treatments to make him more presentable. The most fortunate was that he had yet to undergo puberty – there would be no issue about the voice, which would frankly be the most troubling aspect if it had broken.

All in all, it was pure luck that she probably wouldn't have to spend much time on physical conditioning. It would be a cold day in hell before she became somebody's fitness instructor. To think Gai of all people had the gall to tell her she had absolutely no talent to instruct people on Taijutsu…! Why, she graduated the academy as the best kunoichi in her year in Taijutsu! How dare he!

The highly unknown episode was also the reason why Gai jumps whenever Kurenai is within five metres of him, something Kakashi liked to tease him with when the green Jounin got too irritating.

It was just a coincidence that the Genins she was assigned to didn't need any physical training at all, for the Hyuuga's Jyuuken required finesse, not strength; she had been most _courteously _informed not to mess around with Hinata's Jyuuken training. And as for Shino... Well, the Aburames rarely utilized Taijutsu, so with some consultation with the Aburame Clan Head, they came up with a lesson plan for Shino that mostly concentrated on general Genjutsu usage coupled with standard Ninjutsu and Senjutsu training. [Side note: Senjutsu here does not refer to sage techniques, but combat techniques, like strategy and etc.]

Concerning Kiba… Well, the less said about the hyperactive Genin the better. The only thing he was good at was his clan techniques and Taijutsu; she had a hell of a time teaching him some basic Ninjutsu and Genjutsu detection methods. Things that might save his life one day.

Even now after the Chuunin Examinations she wasn't sure if Kiba understood the risks of over specialization… If he had talent in a field, like Rock Lee, than it wouldn't be so worrisome – the fact remains that he was merely an average shinobi, if not a slightly above average one, not one that excelled.

"Kurenai?" The owner nudged her gently.

"Ah!" Kurenai blushed. "Sorry, I was thinking about some other stuff. I'd need three sets of normal daywear in mute colours, perhaps burgundy or navy."

"For whom are the clothes for?" The store keeper chuckled. "This is certainly not your measurements. Or taste in colours, for that matter."

"It's for my… student, shall I say." Kurenai frowned slightly. "It's complicated. She's a petite blonde, so do help me arrange some colours to match."

"Anything else?" The owner chuckled, scribbling the details down on a notepad she procured from behind the counter.

"Hmm, add a set of training gi, and a formal nightwear. Make the formal nightwear slightly showy, and _enhancing_." Kurenai giggled. "Charge them to Tsunade-sama's account; she's picking the tab for this student."

"Oh, one more thing." Kurenai turned back as she opened the door to exit. "Try to use as some orange in the design if possible, the recipient loves orange, and I think having some of it would make her more willing to wear them. Just not bright orange."

"Come back tomorrow!" The owner called as Kurenai left. "They should be done by mid afternoon!"

* * *

Naruto panted. Wow, that whatshername-Anki was an expert at room demolition. Well, not really demolition – the room was intact, but everything was in chaos.

He was expecting some form of order – apparently he had been underestimating the prowess of that snake woman. He finally beat some order back into the room, only to discover more chaos under the order.

"What time is it now?" Kiba snarled, visibly agitated.

"It is about a minute past ten in the morning, Kiba-san." Shino muttered.

"And what time did our new sensei ask us to meet her at…?" Kiba growled. "She's late by more than an hour already!"

All of a sudden Kiba found himself strung up onto a tree with a rope tied around his left ankle.

"Tsk tsk…" Anko emerged from behind a tree. "I guess you need to learn some lessons on patience and respect first, young one." She grinned.

Kiba paled.

* * *

Iruka woke up with a start. There was an odd fragrance permeating his house, the scent of green tea tingled with something else. When did he buy an air refresher with green tea fragrance?

When did he even buy an air refresher?

The implications hit, and he fainted most promptly.

"I – what – sigh…" Hanabi groaned as her new father fainted again.

* * *

"That was quick."

Naruto jumped as he never did notice Kurenai behind him. "GAH!"

"Well, that was quick. You certainly are efficient at cleaning up, aren't you?" Kurenai chuckled. "Lunch?"

She waved a container of… something in front of his face.

"What's that?" Naruto frowned.

"Come to the dining room and see." Kurenai smiled. "It's not something bad. I daresay you'd find it satisfactory, if not good."

"But it's not ramen!" Naruto whined.

"Well, want to know why you're still so short?" Kurenai shrugged.

"Ero-sennin told me that before, but…" Naruto frowned. "Ramen's the best food, isn't it?"

"Not actually." Kurenai smiled gently. "All foods must be eaten in moderation for healthy growth – it's no wonder why you're the shortest amongst the Rookie 9."

"Hey!" Naruto snapped.

"Well, first lesson: dining etiquette." Kurenai chuckled darkly.

* * *

Tsunade broke into a wide grin when she heard the screams of fury from the direction of Kurenai's apartment block.

Oh, how it paid to be a Hokage. _Payback time, asshole. Maybe you'd learn to stop swapping my sake with water, or even vinegar, and I might just ask the Daimyo to take it easier on you… Kukuku…_

Shizune looked on impassively. It wasn't wise to awaken the Hokage when she was in her la-la land.

* * *

"Use the chopsticks, not your fingers!" Kurenai wanted to rip her hair out. Apparently no one took the time to teach the young boy table manners, and he seemed incapable of eating sushi without making a fool AND spectacle out of himself.

"CHOPSTICKS, CHOPSTICKS!" Kurenai screeched. "Not fingers!"

"Fine fine!" Naruto scowled. Seriously, eating sushi with chopsticks was just so retarded. It took what little fun he had out of eating sushi. Why, if he had his way they'd be having ramen rice, ramen sushi, and even ramen gyuudon!

* * *

Teuchi sneezed. He frowned; there was some infidel out there thinking ramen should be made into other forms of food, instead of just noodles, broth, and ingredients. He had always been sensitive to such defilation. To think that someone could have such a blasphemous thought about ramen…!

There was a reason he was known as the "Barehanded Killer", mostly because he tended to kill those who defiled his ramen in the past. Having a wife, then a child mellowed him. Although most customers didn't know, but it was his excess of hand strength that gave his noodles that extra kick. (*)

* * *

Naruto sneezed. He had the inkling feeling that someone he knew was reflecting about their black past, and it somehow involved him.

Kurenai sighed. While the boy was a positively huge pain in the posterior, he was a quick learner. Although his form was crude, the backbone was there, and she could build on it. At least he wasn't making a fool out of himself while eating anymore.

* * *

Asuma chuckled as Ino attempted to wake Shikamaru again. "Yo!"

"Asuma-sensei!" Ino whined. "Shikamaru-kun is worthless; you're sure he was actually promoted to Chuunin, and not demoted?"

"I've got a mission for you guys today… It's a long one, so go home and pack up!" Asuma chuckled. "You guys'd love it."

"What's the mission, Asuma-sensei?" Chouji asked.

"Well, you'd be teaching the son of a local lord court etiquette." Asuma smiled. "Amongst other areas."

"Make Mr Chuunin do it." Ino smiled darkly. _Revenge is sweet._ "He's the only one smart enough to do it here."

"I concur." Chouji nodded sagely.

"Traitor." A freshly woken Shikamaru shot Chouji a dark look.

* * *

"Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked. "What're we doing today?"

"Why, I'm glad you asked!" Kakashi smiled. "Today is Training Day!"

"So what're we doing?" Sasuke grunted, glad to be receiving some form of training… finally.

"Well, for Sakura-chan, chakra building exercises, and for Sasuke-chan, we have control building exercises!" Kakashi giggled.

Sasuke glared. _Like I couldn't, and wasn't doing that by myself. _

* * *

"Otou-san." Iruka woke up groggily. "Please stop fainting, or I will be forced to use the Jyuuken on you. There are a couple of pressure points that are, well, useful in keeping people awake..."

"I'm ah – er – sorry, Hanabi-chan. It's not every day I wake up to have a daughter, you see…" Iruka smiled nervously.

"I have taken the liberty of placing my possessions in the guest room, I suppose this arrangement does not displease you, oto-san?" Hanabi intoned.

"Ah – er – no." Iruka fumbled over his speech. "What time is it – I'M LATE!"

"It is Saturday today, Otou-san." Hanabi bowed lightly. "There is no school; it is a logical impossibility for you to be late."

"Do you always speak like that?" Iruka smiled nervously. "In this very err... formal manner?"

"It is unbecoming of the Hyuuga heir to speak casually." Hanabi muttered. "Especially towards those in power."

"But you're my daughter now, you're no longer the Hyuuga heir!" Iruka smiled gently.

"It is but a temporary arrangement. My status is still that of the Hyuuga heir." Hanabi stared at him.

Iruka sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. It would be a long two years for him.

* * *

"What is this?" Naruto pointed at a particular sushi. Opposite him, Kurenai was eating her own sushi when she paused.

"You don't know what that is?" She asked incredulously.

"Yeah!" Naruto scowled. "This is my first time eating sushi!"

"That's tobiko." Kurenai smiled gently. _He must have had a very hard life to not have eaten sushi before… _She just didn't know that the Sandaime attempted, but the boy only wanted Ramen. "It tastes good."

"Really?" Naruto poked at the sushi suspiciously.

"Don't poke at your food." Kurenai admonished. "It's rude."

"But it doesn't look safe!" Naruto whined. "It looks funny!"

"It is safe." Kurenai chuckled. "In case you're so worried…"

She took her chopsticks and picked up the sushi in question. Taking a bite from the sushi, she offered the other half to him. "Here, it's safe."

"Alright you win." Naruto sighed, and ate the remaining half of the sushi in question. "Hey... It tastes good!"

"Told you." Kurenai smiled. "Well, on a more relevant note, I'd be starting your training tomorrow since the equipment is not ready yet. Today… I guess I will just teach you some walking manners."

"Walking manners?" Naruto quirked an eyebrow. "Walking _manners_?"

"In case you haven't noticed, Naruto-kun, women do not walk with a swagger like you tend to do. It is unbecoming, especially if you are to attend a formal function." Kurenai pointed at a cabinet. "Take a pair of shoes that has a spiral symbol carved on the bottom; Tsunade-sama picked up most of them for you."

"Baa-chan did?" Naruto scampered over to the cabinet and opened it up. There were a couple of shoes that looked really odd – scratch that, all the shoes that had the spiral symbol on them were really odd!

"Kurenai-sensei, what sort of evil contraption are these?" Naruto scowled.

"They're called high heels, Naruto-kun, or should I be calling you Naruto-chan?" Kurenai giggled. "Take the pair with the shortest heels for now."

Naruto gingerly picked out what seemed to be a three inch heel out of the cabinet. Taking the abomination of nature with two fingers, he went back to the table.

"Alright Naruto, go wash your legs first."

"Hai hai." Naruto went to the bathroom and quickly washed his legs. He was about to just step out when her voice halted him again. "Wipe your wet feet on the floor mat first."

His feet now clean and dry, he made his way back next to his sensei, who was now doing... something with that abomination.

"Show me your left leg." Naruto stuck his left feet out near her hands very unwillingly. "Lift it up a little."

Bit by bit, with lots of cursing about how tight/painful the abomination was, Naruto finally had a heel on. "Oh gods, this hurts worse than the time Neji-kun hit me with that whatsitname fruity technique."

"You'd have to get used to it." Kurenai giggled. "Consider yourself lucky your feet are small and not too large – it'd hurt more if your feet was larger."

"Do I really have to wear this?" Naruto whined, itching to just rip that painful thing off his foot.

"You have to." Kurenai smiled. "That, or risk being found out at the event itself."

Naruto sulked. Kurenai passed him the right heel. "Try putting it on yourself now."

"Fine fine…" Naruto frowned. He unwillingly undid the straps, and slid them onto his foot, before grimacing as it got stuck halfway. "Fuck, wait a moment."

"What?" Kurenai was mildly shocked when the Genin did a hand seal and summoned a shadow clone. Commanding the clone, Naruto pointed in the general vicinity of Konoha's hot springs. "Ask Jiraiya-sensei if there're such things as chakra hiding artefacts!"

"Point?" Kurenai queried.

"I would really prefer if I just used the Oiroke." Naruto groused. "So since baa-chan said they'd detect it solely by the chakra usage, I was wondering if ero-sennin knew anything about hiding the chakra."

"Well," Kurenai shrugged. "It would certainly help. But the issue remains that you require training to be more feminine. Currently as it is, your ability to masquerade as a female is a joke."

"At least my feet won't be murdered!" Naruto scowled.

* * *

"Jiraiya-sensei…?" Clone Naruto scoured the surroundings of the bath houses rapidly, but spotted nobody. "That's odd."

It can't be that Jiraiya was out of the village - he'd drop a note if he was - but if he wasn't around the bathhouses something was up.

"Where is he…? Perhaps the roofs…?"

* * *

"Mmmm, that's perfect… Now if she'd lean more to the right…" Jiraiya giggled perversely, his hand adjusting the lenses on his spyglass. _Now that was perfection!_

On second thoughts, Tsunade's breasts were really the best. The sight that greeted his eyes now would be a close second, however.

"Ero-Sennin!" Naruto yelled from behind the Gama Sennin.

"WHA – ER – FUCK!" Jiraiya swore, jumping up in surprise, nearly letting go of his expensive spyglass. "Oh, it's you. What is it now?"

"Do you know of anything that can keep chakra from being detected?" Naruto asked.

Jiraiya, visibly irritated, replied without thinking. "You can already do it, can't you?"

"Huh?"

"Then explain how did you sneak around the AnBu interrogation chambers without being caught AND paint the royal throne orange undetected?" Jiraiya scowled, wanting to get back into the business of peeping pronto. "You're more than capable of suppressing your chakra, now bugger off!"

The clone dismissed himself to pass on the happy news.

* * *

Kurenai looked on with much curiosity as Naruto paused in mid stride. He had been holding her hands for support while learning to walk in heels; his suddenly limp hands gave her much surprise.

Suddenly her student formed a hand seal and she jumped back, sliding smoothly into a defensive stance. One just didn't take chances around Uzumaki Naruto.

"_Oiroke!_" Naruto shouted, and his form was enveloped by white smoke. Focussing herself inwards, Kurenai easily detected the Genin's chakra drain.

Then she found nothing. Her eyes snapped open in alarm. _Where did he go?_

Uzumaki Naruto was still in front of her, but in his Oiroke form. _He had no presence at all!_

"Spill." Kurenai commanded.

Naruto giggled. "Well, you know about my prankster days, yes?"

"I won't forget the period of time where AnBu dressed in neon pink ran around chasing a little blond brat." Kurenai grinned, despite herself not really approving of such a gesture – who knew what any foreigner might think of the elite forces after that episode.

"Well, sparing the nitty gritty details, effectively I sneaked into the AnBu base and replaced a couple of uniforms." Naruto giggled, recalling the fond memories. "And as Ero-sennin highlighted, the only reason why I was able to do that without being detected by the AnBu was by hiding my chakra. One more benefit of being a trickster – you gain abilities that can fool even the elite!"

Kurenai wanted to add that it only applied to him – the previous generations of pranksters weren't as talented as him. Or it might just be the addition of the Kyuubi (and the ensuring distaste) enabled him to master such a skill.

Come to think of it, he was probably the only ninja in Konoha who could sneak on a Sannin – it spoke volumes about his capabilities; why didn't anyone notice that? Then again, Kill-Me-Now-Orange.

"Well, but you see Naruto, everything has chakra. If someone has no chakra he or she is either dead or a skilled ninja – which will alert the wives of the Kages." Kurenai smirked.

"I see…" Naruto scrunched up his face in focus and then Kurenai was greeted with her senses telling her that in front of her stood a chakra well that alternated between overflowing and being dry. Perhaps she needed to factor in some chakra exercises into the timetable as well…

* * *

(*) Teuchi's name can mean "making noodles by hand" (手打ち). However, the same word can also mean "killing someone with one's bare hands." It's a joke spun off that, and just something random.

* * *

Edit (30 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

Chapter 8 - _MY RIVAL!_

* * *

"That was impressive, though." Kurenai grinned. "Despite the huge flop at the end, you demonstrated a skill many Jounins can't even utilize to that extent."

Naruto didn't know if he was supposed to be happy at the compliment or feel irritated over the jab at his skills. _Flop indeed, I'd like to see you do that WITH fur ball in you, asshole._

"However, it still remains unusable at this point of time." Kurenai smiled. "However we have two months to make it useable – I sure do trust your Oiroke form to do a much more passable job as a female than your male form. I will check with Hokage-sama if it's okay first, though."

"I won't argue against that." Naruto scowled, despite the stab at his abilities. "When I become Hokage the Torture department will have a rack of these shoes."

Kurenai chuckled. "I'm sorry Naruto, but that torture won't work against most ninjas. Other than weak Genins, but…" She shrugged, mentally grinning as she pushed his button. _Bingo_.

"I'm NOT weak, damn it!" Naruto scowled. "I'd master this, just you see!"

"Hmm, as I've mentioned, it's nothing training can't fix." Kurenai patted his back. "But firstly, how long can you remain in your Oiroke form?"

"Well, I'm not too sure – it's used sparingly and only against perverts!" Naruto giggled. "It is a sure one hit K.O., super effective weapon!"

"I think I should start calling you by a more feminine name when you're in this form – it's a little disconcerting to hear a female respond to a male name." What she didn't say was how disconcerting it would be if she started calling _her_ Naruto in the streets. Strange looks of pity towards a perceived loon wouldn't be the only things she received. Who knows, she might even be subjected to a medical evaluation! _The things I do in the name of the village…_

"Well, then what?" Naruto stared at her.

"Hmm, I will consult with Hokage-sama about any suitable names – I need to make sure I don't use the name of any notable kunoichi." Kurenai smiled. "So for now you'll be known as Nozomi. Nozomi Nahito. In case you were wondering, I took Na from Naruto, Hi from Yuuhi, and To from Naruto again to come up with the name. Sounds generic enough I guess."

Summoning a Kage Bushin, who promptly leapt from the window, Kurenai stood up once more. "Now, less play and more practise, Nozomi."

Nozomi groaned, and stood up unsteadily.

* * *

"Kurenai?" Tsunade called out. "Come in!"

Kurenai opened the door and slipped inside. Walking to one of the seats in front of the Hokage's table that wasn't _occupied_ with paperwork (apparently they've slipped off the table), she seated herself.

"What is it?" Tsunade spoke, attention still fixed on her paperwork.

"Well, Naruto happens to be particularly adept at hiding his chakra – he was capable of rendering his existence undetectable while in Oiroke form." Kurenai began, and smirked slightly as she spotted the Hokage choke.

"He can do what?" Tsunade spoke.

"Suppress his chakra presence." Kurenai paraphrased. "To absolutely nothing; I will be training him in that area to suppress enough to appear as a normal civilian."

"Hmm… I must say, that was interesting." Tsunade shrugged, and leaned back into the Hokage's chair. "But still, it's ultimately worthless. The Daimyo was very… shall I say, certain, in his wording. Male Naruto received the mission, _**male **_Naruto will go."

"But how will he know?" Kurenai smiled. "I sure do trust the Oiroke form to do a more passable job at being female than Naruto."

"That depends if he is even capable of cloaking his chakra signature enough. His huge wells will be exposed when he uses a technique." Tsunade sighed. "If he can, I will try and cover for him."

"I'm sorry Tsunade-sama, but I don't really get how they'd be informed that he's an infiltrator if he uses a technique." Kurenai asked.

"Well, being that you're a rather green Jounin I don't expect you to know." Tsunade smirked slightly at the look of annoyance on Kurenai's face; she had probably been hazed quite some bit by the more experience Jounins. "Most people that don't go through a war will be unaware, but then, I do have some memory of meeting the two wives in the battlefield before, in the Second War. At that time, they weren't wives yet, but whatever."

"Essentially, in a normal state, without using any technique, the chakra you emit outwards is very minimal. But the moment you use a technique, for example the Oiroke, your body is consistently draining some chakra to use, no? I'm fairly certain you did detect that." Tsunade elaborated, walking to the bookshelf. "In the case of Naruto the seal on his stomach does drain a fair bit of the emitted chakra to power itself – Minato was a genius of the highest calibre, after all – and as such, despite his much larger than normal reserves, he does come across as a normal Genin, no?"

"Yes?" Kurenai nodded hesitantly.

"When he uses the Oiroke, a massive increase occurs, no?" Kurenai nodded. "What this signifies is that the seal now starts draining from the Kyuubi instead, and allows Naruto to use all his chakra." Pulling out a heavy tome, she flipped it open. "This is some handwritten notes Hiruzen-sensei wrote about the seal. Don't flip to the other portions, it's on a strictly need-to-know basis. Don't bother either; it's only capable of being flipped by a Hokage."

Kurenai quickly scanned the page, and indeed, the Sandaime did state what the Godaime just repeated. "So what occurs is that his emitted chakra inflates like crazy, to levels above most Jounin, and even besting most Kages. Add that to what you naturally emit while using a Jutsu like the Oiroke, well, you get a whole load of chakra."

"I… see." Kurenai nodded.

"And being that he has the seal on him, it remains highly unlikely that he will be capable of gaining the level of chakra control to pull that off." Tsunade paused, in the process of sliding the book back in, and shrugged. "But then again, we're talking about the guy who mastered the Rasengan in a week."

"What exactly does it imply…?" Kurenai spoke, unaware about the Rasengan incident.

Spotting her confusion, Tsunade chuckled. "Well, essentially he surprises – conventional wisdom fails in face of him."

"Well, that is true." Kurenai chuckled. "And as for a name for his female form…?"

"Any name will do – If we make too much of an effort to use a name that sounds very common, it'd be even more suspicious. Just use the one you've been using." Kurenai was visibly startled, and Tsunade hid a smug grin. It paid to learn how to estimate thoughts from what other people were about to say. Sarutobi-sensei was either a brillant genius or a very bored one – apparently he had complied a book on that subject, which he made mandatory for the new Kage to read. Mostly by some asshole Fuuin technique that made it impossible for one to do any paperwork if one refused to read the book. "Four weeks, Kurenai, you have four to make him good enough. If not… he goes as a male."

"By your leave, Tsunade-sama." Kurenai's clone dismissed herself, and Tsunade went back to her paperwork once more, Shizune's presence always at the edges of her perception, hiding unsaid threats to her sake supply. Tsunade grumbled. That was a below the belt move from her apprentice…

* * *

"Well, we have one month to get you up to snuff in controlling your chakra suppression skills." Kurenai spoke, much more used to sorting out the influx of information from the dismissal of a Kage Bushin to be able to simultaneously process the information and function normally, a necessity brought about by several confrontations. "Or you'd go as a boy."

"So how do we go about that?" Nozomi swore as she lost her balance once more, about to careen into the wall.

Grabbing the Genin, who was just a few centimetres from being introduced to the wall, Kurenai smiled. "Why, by lots of chakra manipulation practise, what else?"

"Urgh, not some retarded chakra control practise again." Nozomi groaned. "I had enough of standing in the middle of a raging river floating twenty leaves already!"

"Middle of a raging river floating twenty leaves?" Kurenai repeated, wanting to ensure that what she heard was accurate. That would give most Chuunin a challenge already!

"Yah." Nozomi snorted. "Ero-sennin is an asshole of the highest calibre."

"That takes quite high a level of chakra control already." Kurenai sighed. "If you know anything about chakra control training, the difficulty is exponential. At that level, it'd take years for you to get enough control to go about as a civilian girl!"

"Well, I _do_ have Tajuu Kage Bushin…" Nozomi suggested, perhaps not so innocently. The face splitting smile didn't add to it.

Kurenai smacked herself in the forehead. "Come, we're headed to the river."

* * *

The scene that greeted Jiraiya's eyes as he walked to the river to attempt to peek at ladies made him almost lose his self control and giggle perversely. While Naruto's Oiroke's form was a work of art, ultimately the underlying person was male, but Yuuhi Kurenai's body sure gave Tsunade's a close fight! While the C's did lose to Tsunade's heavyweight knockers, it fit perfectly on the Jounin's body, and all the better for her (and his eyes)!

Jiraiya cursed that he had been forced by Tsunade to vow that he will not take pictures without permission. That was two picture perfect bodies, and he couldn't do anything!

Wait, two hot, curvy, single women under the same roof… The thoughts about all those potential yuri scenes made him faint in a geyser of nose blood.

* * *

Kakashi beamed. He had been unnaturally happy that day, to the extent where Sakura asked if he was mentally ill. His reply was an additionally tedious and tiring mission.

Sakura groaned, and Sasuke glared. Kakashi smiled back.

* * *

Nozomi panted. She was wearing a bikini Kurenai loaned her, and wearing the three inch heels, water walking was a whole new experience. "FUCK!" She swore as she plunged below into the water once again.

Kurenai giggled on shore, seated on a mat. "Girls don't swear, well, not in public at least, Nozomi-_chan_." Kurenai placed special emphasis on the chan to remind Naruto of his current identity as Nozomi.

"Fine…" Nozomi clambered up on shore, shaking her wet tresses. "Seriously, this is impossible!"

"Do your Kage Bushins, they should help in acclimatizing yourself to water walking with heels." Kurenai smirked.

Nozomi smirked. "_TAJUU KAGE BUSHIN!_"

Kurenai was gobsmacked by the hundreds of blond bombshells appearing out of thin air, despite being warned by multiple people about the phenomenon. _This… this is impossible!_ She quickly placed her hands in a seal and whispered "Kai!" multiple times. No living thing should be capable of possessing _that_ much chakra!

Nozomi, oblivious to her sensei's current state of denial, sent a batch of a hundred clones on the water.

* * *

"First rule of being my daughter: remove that stuck up attitude." Iruka crouched so he could look at the young kunoichi in the eye. It helped in making them more accepting to his _talk_, as he learnt from teaching multiple generations of children. Although the success rate wasn't hundred percent, it still had a chance of working.

"What do you define as this 'stuck up attitude', otou-san?" Hanabi intoned. Iruka mutely thought that if he plotted out the variances of her voice, he'd get a very straight line.

"This… err, usage of overly formal speech, and a general air of snobbishness." Iruka looked rather resolute for someone chiding the heir of the Hyuuga clan. Given how he had behaved facing just merely the Hyuuga Clan's gates, it would have been considered a miracle, and the butt of most jokes in the Academy. Luckily he had honed his sneaking skills after chasing a very petulant AND resourceful prankster. People generally didn't like pissing him off because of that – his ability to gather black material couldn't be overstated.

"If they are incapable of executing such basic manoeuvres, then they are undeserving of my courtesy." Hanabi snorted distastefully. "Most of them are even barely past the fan girl stage."

Iruka sighed.

* * *

After the tenth wave of clones, Nozomi finally found out where she had been screwing up. Apparently due to the difference in surface area in contact with the water, the amount of chakra required was vastly different. Stepping it up gradually had been an exercise in futility. Kurenai didn't bother pointing out that maintaining a complex jutsu like the Oiroke at the same time also taxed her control a fair bit.

With the sixteenth wave and beyond, each wave managed to extend the time they spent on water by a relatively substantial amount. Currently the twentieth wave was capable of holding themselves above water for one and a half hours, and the twenty-first was still holding strong after the second hour, which just passed.

_Speak of the devil._ The clones yelped, splashed, and dismissed themselves. The twenty-second then eagerly went on the water, all of them much more at ease on the water than the previous batch.

Kurenai smiled on the bank, where the real Nozomi was practising walking in the heels on sand, managing at most five steps before having to be held by a Kage Bushin in order not to fall face first into the hard sand. Suffice to say Kurenai had her fill of laughter that afternoon. Namely when head met head and Kage Bushin dispelled, leaving Nozomi a crumpled mess in the sand. Naruto might have been a genius in shinobi training, but he was sorely out of his class learning how to be a lady. At best, he was average, and at worse, mediocre. At least he had tenancy to persevere in the training.

Which of course, Kurenai was extracting great amusement from. The boy was either naturally clumsy or he really wasn't suited for heels, in both his natural AND Oiroke form. And with how he managed to avoid his AnBu pursuers, it seemed more like the latter than the former.

* * *

Shikamaru sighed, as Asuma, Chouji and Ino mercilessly piled book upon book on his table. "Read them!" Ino threatened.

"Yes, yes, now leave me alone…" He groaned, nursing a cup of steaming coffee in his hands. The aroma perked him up. Negligibly. Coffee never had an effect on him for some reason or another. If anything, the beverage just made him more irritable.

Flipping over the first book, he frowned at the dry contents. That, and at the familiarity he had of the contents. The words were familiar to him – somehow. He shouldn't be. It made no sense – who wants to read the rules and regulations governing the lands of fire as a child?

Well, the sons of Daimyos must, but he wasn't. So either he was curious as a kid or his father was an asshole who thought that the book of laws would be a decent bedside story.

Most likely the latter. Shikamaru sighed. He was always a snarky bastard.

* * *

Shikaku sneezed, and let go of the hot pot of instant noodles he had put on boil. The pot clattered on the ground, and obeying the laws of physics, proceeded to evict itself of as much soup and noodles as it could. Unfortunately for Shikaku, the pot landed on his feet and then launched its payloads, and his legs took the brunt of the attack.

He shrieked in pain.

"I told him to leave the cooking to me." Yoshino groaned, as she searched for the first aid kit. "But does he listen? Noooo, he must show how _manly_ and _able_ he is by _SCREWING_ up cooking instant noodles of all things."

* * *

Kakashi smirked. Sasuke was currently hauling ass to empty the bucket of the sewage waste; it stunk to high heavens. He was still all smiles and god-forbid Gai to see him in this state. He'd never hear the end of it, and Gai would probably spread it around that Kakashi was all joy and happiness when he cultivated himself an aura of solitude and emotional fragility

"MY RIVAL!" The shout travelled the distance quickly. Resolutely Kakashi kept his book and vanished in a Shushin.

"MY RIVAL! HOW COULD YOU AVOID ME IN SUCH A HIP MANNER?" Maito Gai roared.

Behind him, Lee cheered, before moving to attempt and charm Sakura.

Sasuke shuddered.

Sakura shrieked.

* * *

Anko smirked.

Kiba groaned from his position on the ground, and Akamaru licked his face. Shino leaned against a tree, visibly distressed. Hinata panted, currently in the clutches of three snakes coiling around her.

Anko smirked. Oh boy, would she have a whale of a time! She was wrong about them before – Genins were _fun_. She would have to apologize to Kurenai one day.

* * *

Nozomi panted. Learning how to balance herself while wearing the high heels was a tedious exercise. It was hard, for she was too used to the flexibility of a ninja boot; the high heels were seemingly crafted out of a solid piece of polycarbonate and REALLY disagreeable with her natural tendency to flex her foot while walking. Additionally, she couldn't walk by first placing the ball of her feet in contact with the ground first, not in the way she had always walked in. It took quite some sweat and blood to change the long ingrained habit.

Kurenai chuckled. She finally could handle herself in heels. Granted, it wasn't done in the most graceful of manners, but everyone started small. Nozomi's clones however, seemed to have mastered water walking in his new form. "Come here Nozomi."

Nozomi didn't move towards her, still attempting to walk in the sand. "Nozomi?"

"Wha – er – sorry!" Nozomi turned around. "I'm still not used to being called by my new name."

"Urgh." Kurenai cradled her face in her hands. "Remind me to make you get used to the name as soon as possible. On other matters, you have apparently mastered the art of water walking while in this form, so I've asked Jiraiya-sama for help."

She smiled thinly, and the newly appeared Jiraiya looked rather apprehensive. The Jounin had unceremoniously grabbed his unconscious and bleeding body from the bushes and threw him into the river. When he was awake she had told him in no uncertain terms what she expected him to do, _OR ELSE…_

"Forgive me for this, gaki." Jiraiya looked oddly meek. "Your sensei is scary."

The Gama Sennin took out a pair of four inch heels. And a five pair was not too far behind it.

* * *

Tsunade smiled and giggled when she heard Naruto's roar of fury and fear. All was well.

* * *

Edit (30 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

I have no idea, but the concept of making Kakashi develop a jutsu that resembles how a rail gun works is terribly amusing to my skewed mind. Mostly because my mind is illogical and keeps giving me the scenario where Kakashi uses said jutsu to fetch copies of the newest Icha Icha.

I do my own translation of techniques into English, making them more literal to not lose any intended meaning. I understand Chinese, and Kanji is strongly based off Chinese. Which is fortunate. An example which is used in the story below would be the Doton: Doryuuheki technique, which is often quoted as Earth Style Wall, but that translation apparently ignores the 'ryuu' kanji... I really don't know how the Data Books work, but if it sounds retarded I'm disregarding it. I certainly think I have the right to, in any case.

All of my created jutsu will be very self explanatory. Mostly because I'm _that_ lazy.

* * *

Chapter 9 - _That, and the not so subtle jab at my teaching methods, you little asshat._

* * *

End of Week: 1

* * *

Nozomi strolled the streets of Konoha freely. Stumbling occasionally, she managed to catch herself in time and proceeded to order a stick of roasted ika (squid) from a roadside vendor. Her attire was decidedly informal, consisting of a white shirt that was surprisingly free of any designs or colour, and a brown pleated skirt that went down to her knees. The four inch heels she wore was matte black in colour, and done in a similar fashion to Tsunade's. She discreetly scratched the area where her breast bandages ended. It had not been the first day Kurenai made her wear them, but she still didn't like the feel of the bandage on her skin.

The training after that first day was mostly similar, with her learning to walk in heels and improving on her chakra control. Kurenai had her modify the Oiroke to fit the measurements – her prior form was a tad too top heavy (she was pretty sure she saw a hint of jealousy in Kurenai's eyes, but meh) for the clothes she was to wear, and her cheek markings were also gone, for they were simply too damning. While she hadn't figured out how to change the eye colour yet, it was just a matter of time. All she could do now was to mute the blue colour – it seemed that her eye colour was too closely tied to the foundations of the technique for it to be changed easily. Apparently she had been too smart (or was it dumb?) for herself. Hence, the once cyanic eyes were now navy in colour.

Her hair colour however, was much easier to manipulate, and now her hair, which reached to her waist, was a decidedly un-Naruto bistre colour. She had wanted ochre, but Kurenai said that it was too similar to blond. Her long hair was straight and was combed in what Kurenai called a pseudo-Hime hairstyle. _Whatever that meant. _She had shrugged, while Kurenai sighed.

All in all, even Tsunade AND Jiraiya had issues identifying her after the transformation. That was a surprise – until she moved. At then, all three superiors of hers collectively face palmed and groaned. Nozomi pouted at the thought. Did she really move so badly to warrant such a reaction?

_On second thoughts, don't bother answering that. _Nozomi sulked. She _really_ hated heels.

Kurenai had taken a 'day off' to check up on her Genin team, and told her to just mingle around in the crowd. It would be a test of how far her training has progressed. Although honestly speaking, Nozomi felt that it was just a mere excuse to check on her team. Not that she blamed her; the feelings of worry is more than understandable, especially when that insane Second Exam examiner was the one who was teaching your Genins. In fact, she questioned Kurenai's sanity for handing over her Genins over to such a crazy bitch.

And so she was, walking around in the streets freely and without a care. It felt refreshing to not feel those glares at her. It felt even more refreshing when she didn't have to fake a smile – the smile tugging at the ends of her lips was very much genuine.

A group of clones dismissed themselves and she paused briefly to sort out the memories. It might be a day off for Kurenai, but no way in hell would she stop training! If he stopped, who knew, the Uchiha heir might just _ACTUALLY_ stand a chance of surpassing him… not that he hadn't been surpassed already. She was just this awesome!

* * *

"Well, being that the incompetence of you two has gotten us banned from D-Ranks for the day…" Kakashi chided his students, while reading his book. The end results was mixed – on one hand it looked as if he was so disappointed that he just didn't care anymore, but on the other hand given how much they knew about his habits, it just seemed… half-hearted. "Besides, how in the nine heavens above did you end up nearly killing the kid you were supposed to babysit? Sure, he might be a pain in the ass, and might have just crushed Sasuke's chances of contributing to the gene pool, but!"

"Mmpfh!" Sasuke scowled from where he was hanging, fully trussed up. The voice was oddly high pitched, something Kakashi smiled at. Sasuke growled when he spotted Kakashi's familiar eye-crinkle that pretty much outright showed that he was having a Cheshire grin dominate most of his face. Sakura however, was oddly silent from where she was hanging.

Kakashi paused, before finding the cause. He grinned behind his mask and relocated where Sakura hang from. Now that she didn't have a line of sight to the Uchiha's heir's crotch, she snapped out of her drooling trance and started her own complains.

"Stop staring at Sasuke's damaged goods, Sakura." Kakashi smiled, to the background noise of Sasuke's burst of outrage. _One more Genin and it'd be perfect. Come to think of it, how's Naruto doing…? Bah, him being who he is, he's most likely ranting about ramen in between training, and consistently irritating the hell out of Kurenai._

_Sucks to be her, but who asked her to complain about Icha Icha? Karma __**does **__pay its dues. Especially when you defile such a holy book._

* * *

"Who do you think you are?" The nurse protested as the AnBu dressed soldiers forced their way into the ward. "AnBu." The men looked at each other, and then shrugged.

"That's not what I meant!" The nurse scowled. "What do you think you're doing, barrelling down the hallway? The other patients need to rest!"

"Visiting?" The AnBu group deadpanned. "You know, ninja, teammate, injured in line of duty, the works?"

"You don't wake up every other patient in the other rooms in the process!" The nurse shrieked as a more impatient one snuck under her and into the room. "I thought you guys were supposed to be in better control of your emotions than common ninja!"

"Only on missions. Excuse us." The others shrugged again and pushed the lady aside. "Gaki-taichou, how're you?" [Gaki: Ghoul]

"Fine fine, it's just chakra exhaustion." Said man groaned on the bed. His mask was still on his face, but it was apparent that the man was feeling less than peachy. "Just stop bothering the orderlies – they'd take it out on me."

"Maa, can't take a little punishment, taichou?" One of them giggled. "Or do you have some sort of very 'professional' relationship with one of the nurses here? Guys, don't piss off the nurses! One of them might just be Gaki-taichou's special someone!" The rest sniggered.

Gaki sighed. "If I didn't know better, asshole, I'd say you were turning into Kakashi-sempai."

"Well, thanks!" The said member laughed. "Being compared to the famous Kopi Nin is an honour. I mean, isn't he considered the best ninja in Konoha after the Sannin?"

Gaki scowled. "That was supposed to be an insult, asshole."

* * *

"What?" Itachi scowled.

As a shinobi he slept lightly and as short a duration as he could, but he really hated unwanted distractions to his sleep. Which was why he was glaring daggers at Hoshigaki Kisame, his partner of multiple years, who currently was withdrawing his hand back. Amaterasu imparted a _very_ unique pain that Kisame learnt unfortunately before.

"Pain." Kisame muttered noncommittally. After all, the walls had ears, the ceiling holes, and the floor recording devices. It paid to be paranoid. "Astral projection in five."

Washing his face briefly to get rid of the sleepiness left, he sat in the room's chair, dressed lightly in a mesh shirt and pants. Kisame was looking at the mirror, cleaning his sharp teeth.

The ring buzzed; Itachi and Kisame activated the Jutsu, and their spiritual forms appeared in one of the caves Pain arranged prior.

"Yes?" Itachi groused, although with his emotionless face, it made for a very odd effect.

"Later, Itachi." Pain intoned. "The rest aren't here yet; I would prefer to explain once only."

"Very well." Itachi bowed slightly and settled down to wait. He didn't have to wait long, for soon the rest of the Akatsuki appeared. Tobi appeared visibly irritated, a somehow what worrying fact, for Itachi _did_ know Madara was Tobi, and when Madara looked _that_ irritated, something was either going to die in the most cruellest way possible or be destroyed till there was utterly no trace of the object left. Then summoned back to life via Edo Tensei, then killed repeatedly. Neither scenarios painted a pretty cause – something really bad had to happen. Deidara looked confused, while Zetsu remained as nonplussed as he always appeared to be. Konan appeared rather distressed; another first. The paper lady had always been a ninja similar to him, rarely showing emotions. For her to like so, something really bad had to have happened. Sasori however, looked rather bored, instead of confused or distressed.

Kakuzu however, appeared visibly injured, and was missing four masks. Hidan looked as though he was in pieces, and black threads throughout his body made it clear that he was still being attached together by Kakuzu.

"Wow, who did that to the Zonbi Konbi?" Kisame sniggered.

"Fuck you and your shark-raping mother, asshole." Hidan growled. "Did your mother copulate with a Great White to give you your unique complexion, shark-man?"

Kisame snorted. "I thought that was your mother's shtick. You know, seeking partners of non-human origins and having their babies."

"Since everybody is here, let us begin." Pain spoke, cutting off the budding argument. "Two of our members have, apparently, for some reason or another, sneaked into Amegakure, and into one of our caves, where Gedō Mazō is located at."

Glaring at the mentioned two members, he continued. "Where they apparently decided to engage in an act of illogical random destruction, and damaged the statue."

"They have been suitably… punished for their infarction. However, I myself have no idea how to fix the statue. According to projections by Zetsu, the time frame in which we will be then capable of repairing the statue is about two and a half years, barring any anomalies."

"Who will be handling the repairs?" Sasori asked.

"All of us." Pain answered. "Gedō Mazō is a delicate construct; its origins are unknown even to me. I am unable to ascertain how exactly to go about repairing it, but Zetsu does, so he will be briefing you about it now."

Zetsu grinned. "Well, assuming that my other side _actually_ does know…" **"WHAT DO YOU MEAN **_**DOES KNOW**_**, IDIOT?"**

* * *

Tsunade mused, doodling multiple mission outlines on a blank piece of paper that was being covered by her multiple scribbles. "Hmm… Gaki _does _have the ability to control youki after all… Perhaps this would be viable?"

Jiraiya appeared in the room. "Tsu-hime, my spies, or rather, _the_ spy reported to me some important news."

"What?" Tsunade looked at her old teammate, and set the paper to a side. It was starting to sound interesting, and she knew that any further effort on the mission plan would be bound to go severely off tangent.

"Apparently the Akatsuki wrecked their statue they were going to use to extract the Bijuus with, and need to spend quite some time repairing it." Jiraiya grinned.

"How long?" Tsunade stood up quickly. This was too good to be true - it was tantamount to her getting the royal flush in poker, damn it!

"Two and a half years." Jiraiya smiled, and held out his other hand, which he had kept behind his back. "Celebration time?"

"Celebration time." Tsunade nodded. "Now gimme my sake!"

Jiraiya grinned, and poof-ed away in a Shushin. Tsunade growled, and the desk cracked under her hand strength.

* * *

Gaki burped, much to the amusement of his colleagues. While they whooped and made merry, he sighed to himself. What sort of AnBu unit was_ this_ dysfunctional?

_On second thoughts, don't answer that question._

* * *

Nozomi finished off her ika, which admittedly was barely average in quality, and chucked the skewer into the nearby bin.

"Now, what should I do…?" She pondered, and her fingers played with the hem of her shirt. "Oh I know, I could mess around with Sasuke!"

Nozomi grinned.

* * *

Sasuke sneezed. Unfortunately for him, Team 7 was currently engaged in mock combat with their sensei, in order to, as according to Kakashi-sensei, "train their reflexes." The sneeze just gave away his position, and made him vulnerable to attack. And as all ninja knew, one vulnerability was two too many.

Which was why he found himself flying over the treetops of Training Grounds 7, clutching his freshly violated posterior.

Kakashi smiled, before walking to the river to wash his fingers. "Since Sasuke got caught, and Sakura is _still_ trapped in the Genjutsu, I guess you guys fail this training. Congratulations, failures."

* * *

Nozomi stopped at the edge of Training Grounds 7, and she spotted Sasuke flying over the treetops clutching his ass. Giggling at the sight, Nozomi cursed herself for not bringing a camera to capture that priceless moment. It would be terribly amusing to string picture after picture of the Uchiha heir clutching his posterior in pain all over Konoha, not to mention pissing off the Uchiha scion in the process.

Said scion screeched to a halt in front of her, using his face as a brake. Behind him, a visibly distracted Kakashi clone stumbled out of the woods and picked up the heir. Kakashi-clone paused for a minute, before giving her one of his (in)famous eye smiles. "Maa, Naruto, you could have tricked me."

"Naruto?" Nozomi asked, her insides a jumble of butterflies. Was she really that identifiable? "Who's that?"

"If you weren't laughing outright at Sasuke's plight, I might not have recognized you." Kakashi shrugged. "But being that you _did_ laugh at Sasuke, the object of affection and fawning of most of the village, and being that you aren't Ten Ten, coupled with the mission, you have to be Naruto."

"I'm sorry, but who is this 'Ten Ten' person?" Nozomi smiled politely. "My family just reached Konohagakure no Sato yesterday, and I was doing some sight-seeing. For the matter, who is this 'Sasuke' person, and why is he so popular?"

"I see…" Kakashi muttered, before smiling again. "Well then, I apologize. I mistook you for one of my other students. Sasuke is the guy you see here clutching his ass."

"If this Naruto is your student, then why is he not with you?" Nozomi smiled tersely. _Let's see how you wriggle out of this, Kakashi-sensei!_ "I would be under the impression that a student would be training under his sensei at this time of the day. Unless of course, the sensei happens to be one of those that show off favouritism. I'm sorry, I'm not referring to you."

"Well, he has what we can deem external studies under another sensei." Kakashi picked up the unconscious Sasuke and non-too gently threw him over his shoulder. "I need to get back to the rest of my students now, so see you in town sometime."

Waving his hand lazily, Kakashi turned around and walked back into the forest. "One more thing Naruto, you would have fooled me if you weren't hopping around like a victorious maniac. That, and the not so subtle jab at my teaching methods, you little asshat. I _AM_ the S-Ranked Kopi Nin, of all things!"

Nozomi pouted.

"And for the record, you aren't cute when you do that, Naruto. Maybe I'll change my opinion once you can use the Raikiri unlike the other time I tried to teach you, lousy student~"

He narrowly dodged a Kunai.

* * *

"Anko, when I said help my team, I didn't say help my team on their way to mental breakdown!" Kurenai hissed. Said Mitarashi Anko was currently on the ground, arm twisted behind her back and head gripped in a deadlock. "And certainly NOT to help them on the way to mental disorders!"

"I didn't do anything!" Anko protested, wriggling in Kurenai's grip. "And I certainly didn't expect a week with Naruto to get you this kinky!"

"_WHAT?_" Kurenai shouted, scandalized.

"I didn't know you were _this_ into restraints, Kurenai-chan!" Anko purred. "Why, has Naruto got you so whipped through and through? Tell me, how big is Mini-Naruto? How many times did you do it? On the walls, the bed, the sink, the kitchen? With his ability to summon that much shadow clones..." Anko batted her eyelids shrewdly. "Perhaps I should request to be his secondary sensei. He certainly would be more than capable of sating two women..."

Kurenai flushed a brilliant red and let her friend know precisely why she was known as the Genjutsu mistress. As Anko screamed in pain and embarrassment from the Genjutsu, Kurenai walked over to her team, who were currently nursing their injuries.

"I'm sorry, but it seems that my choice of instructors has been less than ideal. In fact, my choice of friends is less than ideal, but what the hell." Kurenai sighed. "But then I'm not too sure as to who could be your replacement instructor…"

"Anko-sensei is brutal, but efficient." Shino spoke up. "While her methods are not orthodox, the aforementioned methods do allow Kiba-san to absorb the important lessons behind them more efficiently than normal methods, which you, Kurenai-sensei, adopts. No offence intended, but he requires a harder approach." Hinata nodded.

"Hnn…" Kiba muttered, before scowling, shaking a fist at the Aburame heir. "Hey – what! Shino, you asshole! And how could you, Hinata-chan!"

Kurenai sighed. She didn't know if she should take Shino's words as a praise or an insult, but she guessed that her team would be fine in Anko's not-so-safe hands. "If you say so…"

* * *

"Tenzo, what's that?" Kakashi nonchalantly muttered, as he strolled down one of Konoha's many streets.

"The newly compiled bingo book from the other villages, Kakashi-sempai." Said ninja dropped down from the rooftops. "And how did you spot me, anyway?"

"The sense of smell, Tenzo, is a vital one, and one often overlooked. Or should I call you Gaki for now?" Kakashi chuckled. "So, what does it say about me?"

"Well…" Gaki prised the book open carefully. "Promise you won't be pissed?"

"Why would I be?" Kakashi giggled as he stared at his book. "I mean, how can anything be worse than not having Icha Icha to read?"

"Well, then, don't say I didn't warn you." Gaki stared suspiciously at his ex-senior. "But first, _Mokuton: Mokuzai no __Kabe!_" (Mokuzai no Kabe: Wall of wood.)

"Why, am I that scary?" Kakashi's sole visible eyebrow rose.

"Actually, Kakashi-sempai, I don't think that's enough. _Doton: Doryuuheki!_" (Doryuuheki: Flowing Earth Wall.)

Kakashi frowned. Was he really that scary? Then again, he _is_ a S-Ranked ninja... Under his face mask, he grinned smugly. Being him sure rocked. Torturing helpless Genins? Check. Being awesome? Check again.

"Yes you are." Gaki's voice sounded from over the barriers. "Now I'll read out your bingo book listing, Kakashi-sempai."

"Good, good." Kakashi muttered tersely, and stowed his Icha Icha into his pack.

"Hatake Kakashi, son of Hatake Sakumo, possessor of the legendary White Fang. Last reports indicate that said weapon has most likely been destroyed, explaining the absence of it in any skirmishes against said nin. Has a Sharingan eye, and reputedly copied over a thousand jutsu ("One thousand, one hundred and thirteen, to be exact." Kakashi puffed slightly in pride. "I'm sure they _care_." Gaki snorted.). Recent ranking has dropped from S-Rank to A-Rank ("WHAT?"). Threat level is immense if present, but he is likely to be two hours late to any skirmish, so disregard the threat level. Last known status to be taking a Genin tea…" Gaki couldn't finish before a _Raikiri_ pierced his book, and nearly took his head off.

"What?" Kakashi smiled at Gaki, who was glaring at the Kopi Nin. He had his hands behind his back, and was whistling a tune. In between them a large hole was visible between the two barriers, and the wood was still smoking, in addition to being charred, and the earth wall took a glassy sheen to it. "I did nothing."

"Right… You're the only person who knows the Raikiri, Kakashi-sempai. Very _subtle_ indeed. No wonder Taka-sempai said that you flunked the subterfuge portion of the tests repeatedly." Gaki snorted. "Now if you would excuse me, I need to pick up _ANOTHER_ copy of the bingo book. Perhaps I'd have to request them to make it Kakashi-proof."

He narrowly avoided another Raikiri that threatened his equipment and ability to procreate. "Fuck, Kakashi-sempai, learn to take a joke! That wasn't funny! I _WOULD_ like to have a family someday, even if you do not!" That earned him the third Raikiri that threatened to excavate his bowels. "And what's with your fetish for asses, Kakashi-sempai - OH GODS YOU'RE GAY _AND_ PAEDOPHILIC! How many helpless and hapless little Genins did you use that infernal technique on? SOMEBODY HELP, KAKASHI IS TURNING INTO OROCHIMARU!"

Kakashi's chakra enhanced fist found its target with unerring accuracy, and Gaki screamed as he flounced over the rooftops, clutching his jewels.

* * *

Edit (30 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

A/N : Due to a couple of questions that others have asked...

At Batamut : "Oh I need that. It good to see your not copying the exact plot of Spying no Jutsu."

To be honest I wasn't aware of SnJ till Lord Ezra'eil told me about it. So it merely happens to be a case of coincidence.

At Namikaze-Naruto-the-Sage : "Your[sic] overestimating Kakashi. He really is A-rank and not S-rank. If he was S-rank then how come he always get his ass kicked by S-rank enemies like Akatsuki members?"

Well, being that he is capable of holding his own against one of the Kiri no Shinobigatana Nananin Shuu (The Seven Swordsmen of the Hidden Mist) (Zabuza) and was a Hokage-candidate after the timeskip, and do remember that the Akatsuki members are ones which can OVERWHELM Jinchuuriki, which are pretty much quite superhuman already. So yes, if anything, these folks are very high S-Rank, and even Kage's fall (Gaara) against them. Kakashi losing against them shouldn't be too much of a negative. That, and it _IS_ my story after all. It is not canon - if it was I doubt that this mission would occur. Or would the Daimyo be a ninja - the canon one happens to be like a bag of flesh instead.

At Lord Ezra'eil : "I think you'll find the Gaki commonly means Brat, not Ghoul."

Gaki (餓鬼) also means ghoul. Do a quick google search with keywords being "Gaki Ghoul". Amusing to note the 8th result. I understand you meant commonly used, and you were afraid readers might misunderstand - I was pretty sure I had a translation box besides Gaki in Chapter 9. I do get your intention though.

* * *

I've noticed people tend to add "no Jutsu" when someone uses a technique. I find it retarded, honestly, so you'd notice that for all my stories till now my characters never add "no Jutsu" when they use the technique.

* * *

Chapter 10 - _Can't it end faster – I miss Konoha already!_

* * *

End of Week: 2

* * *

Sasuke twitched. It had been nearly an entire week where Kakashi had turned up _ACTUALLY_ on time, and he actually berated Sakura for being _just_ five seconds late.

Sakura just stared at him and quirked an eyebrow, giving Kakashi the best better-5-seconds-than-2-HOURS-late look she could muster, and Kakashi retreated. It was certainly less than amusing when he really turned up on time when both he and Sakura had taken to being late by one hour and forty five minutes daily. It was irritating when he punished them for being late, by making them run non-stop for the one hour and forty five minutes they were late by, and it was nearly murderous when Kakashi made him carry Sakura to the hospital. The worthless teammate of his had fainted barely twenty minutes into the jog. Luckily, but in a sense unluckily, the worthless pinky had finally understood that as ninja, dieting was a big no-no, so she was less worthless than before.

Unluckily she had gotten heavier. Sasuke damn near collapsed in front of the hospital. Even then he had to recover his breath on the hospital benches for quite some time before he could move again.

It would be better if Naruto was here. Sasuke decided. The boy was so hung on Sakura that it wasn't funny but creepy already. While he wasn't as worthless as the pinkie, he was at best average and kept dragging the team down with his insane antics and pranks. At least the boy could take care of the odd jobs, and leave more training time for him. If he wasted more time on such incessant trivialities, then when would he even be capable of catching up with Itachi? If he wasted more time on such interruptions, then when would he be able to avenge the slaughter of his clan?

Sasuke unconsciously clenched his fist so hard that it bled. The village was limiting his growth – that much was clear. He was most obviously someone of Chuunin standard, and yet he wasn't promoted. Did they not trust him with the associated authority and power? Was he _that_ weak? By the looks of it, Itachi got further and further away from him as the days passed by.

Kakashi frowned slightly. Was it too late to change his reputation of being a chronically tardy person? Or more importantly, was it too late to have his ranking raised up from the far too common A back to S? Did he really have to author a thesis on the merits of being tardy before he stood a chance…?

_Assholes didn't appreciate the subtlety of being late. I mean, Icha Icha!_

* * *

Shikamaru groaned. They had spent quite some time travelling here and there before they actually caught up with the infernal son of the local Daimyo, who was surprisingly ninja like in his ability to detect their approach, pack his bags, get his entire procession _FAR far away_ before any of the team could make it into the inn. Perhaps the boy happened to be a sensor – the previous Fire Lord was one. Which sort of explained his exceptional longevity. Hi no Kuni's Daimyos all lived long due to their shinobi training and more importantly their retired shinobi status – none of them needed to go on any mission at all – they PAID for missions instead, but most of them fell to backstabbing and infighting in their last days. The previous Fire Lord died of natural causes, a first. Another first was him living to eighty. While it could be a display of his amazing powers in organisation, it was far more likely that he was just simply capable of avoiding any assassination squads after his life.

As for the previous local Lord, he apparently was a womanizer, and the current one had fought his way into power, what with all the siblings he had. As far as Shikamaru knew, the territory was still rather disorderly, and filled with unrest. The political climate just happened to support the current local Lord, and he was attempting to consolidate his power, but apparently he thought that his son would be quite the valuable target and as such, decided to send his son out into the country away from the castle for safety reasons.

Maybe that's why the current one's offspring was so sensitive. When one's life is in peril it would be logical to become so… sensitive to foreigners. He was also apparently chakra sensitive. But damn it, he knew they were Konoha shinobi – their hitai ate _should_ have explained everything, but apparently he really _really_ hated learning about the rules and regulations. Not that he blamed him – they were drier than a desert and more boring than Asuma. While some unscrupulous foreign nin might attempt to kidnap the scion of the Lord, the current rules and regulations set after the Second War ensured that no ninja would attempt to take the identity of another village's ninja without fearing for their lives. Orochimaru was an exception.

Shikamaru sighed as the team spotted a trail of servants that were being manhandled by the young lord and forced to run out from the back door… and they were quite a distance away.

"Hoo boy, how long is this mission gonna take? We've already spent one week travelling, then the other week trying to catch him…" Asuma pondered, a cigarette perched in his mouth. "Can't it end faster – I miss Konoha already! I need to try and sed… talk with Kurenai-chan again."

Shikamaru sighed again. If there was anything more frustrating than the eternally escaping infernal son of the Lord, there was his sensei's whining about his failures to get in Yuuhi Kurenai's pants. She was attractive, yes, that couldn't be denied. But wasn't his sensei far too hung on a single girl? She was already getting pretty sick and irritated of him already; all his flowers were rejected, why couldn't he just take the hint, leave her alone, AND leave Shikamaru's unfortunate ears safe and NOT sore? Ino was glaring at the rapidly retreating figure of the young Lord, and Chouji… "Chouji, leave the restaurant alone."

Then he paused. The brief time was enough for him to formulate a plan to get back at his eternally whining sensei, and save him quite some trouble convincing Chouji that he _really_ should not eat the inn restaurant clean. "Or you could bully Asuma-sensei to pay the bill, but don't expect me to help." A cry of "Yay! Asuma-sensei's treating! MORE!" was heard in the restaurant of the inn, and said sensei looked at his wallet in worry. "You're topping up what I can't, Shikamaru, you asshole." Said asshole shrugged. "I didn't bring my wallet along."

Asuma disappeared. "Oh damn it, not another place we have to eat and run." Ino groused. "This will do _wonders _for Konoha's reputation, and damn it, I don't want to anger _that_ Hokage!"

* * *

Tsunade sneezed, and the paperwork she had been meticulously arranging in order flew all over the place. No matter – she had an inkling that there'd be a couple more coming in pretty soon, and with the new state of disarray perhaps Shizune would take pity on her and help out.

Perhaps. Recently Shizune had seemingly picked up a mean, cruel and heartless streak from Kakashi. Tsunade frowned. That Kopi Nin was bad influence; she could no longer bully Shizune into helping her out with the paperwork. Perhaps she should make Kakashi a Hokage candidate… She giggled. Better Kakashi than Jiraiya, anyway. Kakashi might be a pervert, but it was only limited to the Icha Icha series. If Jiraiya was the Hokage, he might even make the attire of Kunoichi their birthday suits. Jiraiya might be able to become serious, but the time he spent in being serious was negligible versus the time he spent being a chauvinistic pig.

The very thought of that sent a chill down her spine, and she resolved to clobber the soul out of any person who would even suggest making Jiraiya the Hokage. Well, come to think of it, she should really pen down who she viewed as an acceptable candidate to take over her in case of unexpected circumstances. As all ninja knew, everyday unexpected circumstances lay in wait to kill the unwitting ninja. So she had a name on the list; she needed more. Naruto had much more room to grow and mature before he should be chained down in the Hokage's seat.

* * *

Nozomi stared. Kurenai sighed.

"What… what in the world is that… monstrosity?" Nozomi snarled. "I've never seen anything as unholy as that, and trust me, the Kyuubi is not a saint."

"What's so frightening and monstrous about _that_?" Kurenai quirked an eyebrow. "Hell, it doesn't even look as threatening as heels do."

"Aha!" Nozomi smirked. "So you do admit heels _are_ horrendous!"

"Initially." Kurenai gave a smile that made Nozomi desire to shirk away. "But then, the possibilities of high pressure enlightened me. Tell me, Nozomi, is it more painful to be stepped on by something with the same force in a small area or a large area?"

"So you're saying as heels have a smaller area, they exert higher pressure?" Nozomi had a look of exasperation on her face. "So what? I just need to stomp harder with normal shoes!"

"Well, they're better at cracking _nuts_ than normal shoes." Kurenai shrugged. "I believe you know what I mean. It happens to be a terribly efficient tactic when dealing with shinobi, what with them being male. For Kunoichi… well, "

Nozomi shuddered. While she was in a female form, her male instincts, as contradictory they were, insisted that she should clutch where her jewels should be. Luckily for her, she managed to repress that particular instinct.

"But is it really necessary? Not like I'd be staying there in this form for more than a day!" Nozomi whined. "I _really __**really **__**really**_ don't want to touch that at all."

"But you must." Kurenai shrugged. "Now we're still pretty much on Academy curriculum on how to be a Kunoichi, so I guess you must learn."

"Learning how to use _this_ is in Academy curriculum?" Nozomi gasped. "I have _that _much more respect for Sakura-chan, Ino-san and Tenten-san now, knowing that they could go through this."

"For the last time, you're the only one who protests so much about learning how to use this!" Kurenai sighed.

* * *

Jiraiya giggled. He had heard the rumours, and as he _is_ Jiraiya-sama, the most well known person in the Elemental Countries… He _HAD _to be there. It practically had his name printed on it, in bold, underlined, and in such unbelievably disgusting neon colours. Well, perhaps not his name, rather his student's, but it was all infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things. Who cares if it was Jiruto, Naraito or Miruya – he _must_ be there.

So he went. And he giggled when he reached there. Who in the right mind would dedicate a statue AND a bridge to Uzumaki Naruto of all people – the people in Wave must be idiots of the highest calibre, capable of aping Naruto's idiocy. Then again, if Naruto made a statue it would most likely be one of a Ramen bowl, which would be even more idiotic, so Naruto wins. Not that it was a good thing. But hey, how many people could boast that their pupils has a statue and a bridge named after them? Maybe another storyline about a thankful populace and a well endowed hero... _Hehehehehehe_

* * *

Nozomi sneezed. Kurenai moved swiftly to close the compact Nozomi happened to be picking at before any damage could be done. Sure, it was covered by the Daimyo, but she really didn't like spending money unnecessarily. Not to mention how much of a pain shopping for just a set of makeup would be. She had no doubts that if she went and shopped for that one set of makeup, she'd return with many more.

"Now, seriously, how hard can learning how to apply makeup be?" Kurenai smirked. "You've spent the last week learning how to walk properly, eat properly AND I'm pretty sure such issues are much harder than learning how to apply make up properly. After all you don't need to apply too much, for now you'd be going as a girl, not a boy. There are far lesser stuff that we need to mask than if you went as a boy."

Nozomi was happy for life's small mercies right then. If she went as Naruto, she can't even begin to imagine how much makeup would be needed to mask the whisker like markings. It probably wouldn't have been anything less than a mask like layer over his face. It would have been a disaster of the highest magnitude if he smiled, and the makeup just crumbled down.

Although it would be funny if there was a rapid drying agent and he could add it to the makeup of the women that pissed him off. Smile – crumble. Move – crumble. Nevertheless, Kurenai would punish him most severely if he did it, and he knew how inventive she was after living with her for two weeks. If she used her imagination for pranking, hell, she could even give the Prankster King(namely, her, when she was a he.) a run for his money!

But in all honesty, the Daimyo was a prick that didn't appreciate how nice orange as a colour was. Hell, he didn't even do it for baa-chan! Didn't do it yet would be more accurate, he mused privately, but no matter. The asshole Lord should have been honoured.

* * *

The Daimyo strode slowly to his bedroom. His schedule was clear, a very uncommon occurrence. It hadn't occurred for months already! Seeing no one in the corridor besides himself, he finally relaxed and slumped his shoulders. After spending quite a sizeable time as ninja wearing such restrictive clothing had been a sort of cultural shock. Even now, with a couple of years under his belt, the clothing still got on his nerves. They were the epitome of un-utilitarian, with no pockets to hide any weapons – he had to sneak an external tailor into the palace and add a couple of hidden pockets to the piece of crap. If Hidemoto – that old stuck up asshole – knew, he'd blow gaskets for being passed over for a perceivably "unworthy, lousy and untalented freeloading hack of a" tailor.

Not that he cared, but he'd prefer if his ears didn't need to face any unnecessary abuse. The Royal Tailor was capable of pulling rants of epic length out of his ass as easily as how Uzumaki Naruto could sneak around his palace. Pulling out his underwear drawer, he reached under the compartment and felt around for _it_. Finally his hand bumped into the sharp corner of _it_, and he pulled it out happily. He double-checked if he had locked the door, and then activated the security Jutsu he bullied Minato into teaching him before. It rocked to be royalty – he had a hell lot of leverage to use.

Opening the nondescript book, he gave a perverse giggle. _After god knows how long of no Icha Icha…_

His perverse giggle was interrupted most swiftly.

* * *

Nozomi felt the memories of a dismissed clone assault her brain and she grinned. _Finally_.

Kurenai, spotting the most malevolent grin on the young _girl_'s face, decided to enquire about her student's mental health. "Has your mind finally snapped, Nozomi?"

"Nah." Nozomi giggled. "Just that the Daimyo finally activated the hidden Kage Bushin I hid in his copy of Icha Icha."

"What?" Kurenai muttered intelligently.

"Well, I _Henged_ a Kage Bushin to be part of a page in his Icha Icha book, which he hides in the same location Iruka-sensei hides his (Kurenai locked that unwanted information in one of her mental canisters, labelled 'Do NOT Open. At all costs.') and my Bushin was carrying a pint of orange paint, so when he reached that page…" Nozomi gestured with her hands. "Poof! Splash! Kekeke…"

* * *

The Daimyo reflexively punched the summoned Kage Bushin, but said Bushin back flipped away and hurled the paint canister at the Daimyo. Grabbing his hidden kunai, the Daimyo attempted to knock the canister away. Unfortunately the canister was made of thin metal and the kunai ripped the canister into shreds. And much like how an exploded water balloon splashes water _everywhere_, the orange paint travelled. Laughing, the clone dismissed himself.

The Daimyo roared in fury, shaking an orange fist in the direction of Konoha.

* * *

Kurenai slapped her head in frustration. Not only did the _girl_ reveal that her Kage Bushins could last impossibly long times, she also pissed the Daimyo off further. Not a good recipe for success. "Nozomi, did you consider the ramifications of such an action?"

"Well, I could claim ignorance." Nozomi shrugged. "The clone was left there for nearly a month, and it's impossible to remotely command a clone, so…"

"The issues now is firstly, how did a Kage Bushin last for nearly a month, and secondly, what will Daimyo-sama do after this?" Kurenai sighed. "Frankly speaking, most Jounin, me included, would be very happy if our Kage Bushin lasts past three hours, even if we created only one clone! If I created two at most they could last two hours each. Seeing how quickly you painted the throne, what with you doing it under two hours, I assume you summoned more than one Kage Bushin!"

"And you go and make one that lasts for a month!" Kurenai raged, shaking her fist for emphasis.

"Well, I used my brains." Nozomi shrugged. "I formed one Kage Bushin first – that one's the one that hid inside the book. Then I formed the other clones. So it does have half of my admittedly inhumane chakra levels."

"That was… surprisingly smart of you." Kurenai sighed. "But honestly, you're just asking for Daimyo-sama to do something drastic."

"Pfft." Nozomi chuckled. "What can he do?"

[In another universe, "You fool!" Kurenai screeched. "Murphy is watching us!"

Nozomi gasped. "NOT MURPHY!" Then everybody glared at Nozomi as the universe crashed when Murphy divided by zero to see how many ways the Daimyo could screw Nozomi's life upside down.]

"Well, many things." Kurenai shrugged. "Being that he _is_ the Daimyo AND principal employer."

"Well…" Nozomi summarized. "We were already in deep shit. What can a little more do?"

* * *

"Write this down." The Daimyo coughed, clearing his throat. "Uzumaki Naruto, current Genin of Konohagakure no Sato, registration number 012607, as of now engaged in Official mission from the Office of the Daimyo, Mission Serial Number… Number… ("Number 417, Daimyo-sama." His retainer muttered.) Number 417, Class Level C, Section NatSec, will have the following additional conditions added to Mission Objectives, of Mission 417." (NatSec : National Security)

"Uzumaki Naruto will be simultaneously extending an invitation to the two targets to the annual Hi no Kuni Ball while spying on them, and he will secure their attendance, by hook or by crook." Tapping his fingers, the Daimyo thought of more… difficult situations the young Genin would have to do some verbal yoga to accomplish. _Perhaps not verbal._ "And he will have to… hmm…" The Lord bent over and whispered into the ear of the scribe.

"Send that off in an express dispatch." The Daimyo snarled. "Let that be a lesson as to why _pranking_ the Daimyo is a _very_ bad idea."

"Bad idea indeed." His retainer snorted. "But my Lord, what sort of mission involves painting the Earth Lord's throne pink?"

"A good one, crafted with many a forethought and intricate planning." The Daimyo nodded sagely. "The Earth Lord hates pink; he pissed me off recently, so…" The Lord grinned, and shrugged.

* * *

"Nozomi, concentrate!" Kurenai hissed. "You're drawing eyebrows, NOT lines! When did you ever see a self respecting lady with a singular eyebrow, Nozomi?"

Indeed, currently Nozomi's forehead had a vertical line through, which was obviously drawn with a pencil or the ilk. Nozomi fingered the eyebrow pencil tersely. "Argh, I give up! _Kage Bushin_!"

A Nozomi clone appeared. "What's up boss… Or should I call you Boss-ess?"

"No such thing as Boss-ess, clone!" Nozomi harrumphed. "Now sit still and be my model!"

"Aa, boss!" The clone nodded.

Kurenai resisted the impulse to start rolling on the floor and giggle as two identical looking persons took turns drawing makeup sloppily on each other.

* * *

"What did I say about being loud, noticeable AND brash, Kiba-chan?" Anko grinned. "Tell me, what did dear Anko-sensei tell you?"

Said Inuzuka was currently hanging from a tree, legs spread apart involuntarily, held open by a pair of snakes. The third snake was poised under the Genin's precious jewels, hissing. This was the reason as to why the Inuzuka wasn't paying attention to his sensei. "And what did I say about being attentive, Kiba-chan…?"

"If I don't pay attention I'm a dead _dead_ mutt!" Kiba squawked, so frightened that he just repeated what Anko had said days ago ad verbatim.

"And…?" Anko smiled, playing with a dango skewer absently, and fished around in the plastic bag hanging off her arm for another.

"Being loud will get the mutt killed, being noticeable will get the mutt captured, and being brash will get the mutt dead before he can woof for his mother!" Kiba squeaked, struggling in his bonds to escape the homing head of the snake.

"Good." Anko nodded. "Now explain to me why you couldn't abide by these… advices and perhaps this particular Inuzuka could mount a girl in the future."

Kiba squawked. He was in deep shit, and he wondered if this time, he could claw his way out of it.

* * *

A/N : Never ever go ice skating with girls. They form one single row and will halt at the most inopportune of times, with no prior warning, forcing you to do yoga on ice to avoid them, or fall down attempting to. The best was when I had to emergency brake and I did a 180 degrees rotation somehow, and in the process stopped myself from colliding with the girls. And yes, Singapore does have ice skating rinks.

* * *

Edit (30 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

A/N : School started. I got lazy. Sorry.

At Wyrd Darcnyzzz

"So, while you may be excellent at grammar and punctuation and spelling, you need to keep in mind the speech patterns of, say, Naruto or Kakashi. Naruto doesn't use big words. Neither, really, does Kakashi, although, with his intelligence, it wouldn't really be that far out there to imagine."

I can't be bothered, nor am I able to read Japanese. Hence, I do not have any idea on whether Naruto and Kakashi does use, or does not use 'big' Japanese words. Whatever speech patterns these characters adopt in the translations you read on the internet, are all the decisions the translators make.

AFAIK, Kishimoto is not part of any scanlation group working as their translator, so I don't really give two hoots about following speech patterns not approved by the original author. Granted he probably doesn't really approve of fanfictions, but whatever.

Nevertheless, being that this is a story written at my own expense, I'm not too sure if I really want to bother making it as similar as how Kishimoto would do it if he was the one doing it. It _is_ supposed to be a leisure activity, not one that will induce headaches as I ponder the speech patterns of Uzumaki Naruto and Hatake Kakashi.

At AspergianStoryteller

"Is that cannon?"

Unfortunately, I don't think so. I don't watch the anime, so I can't say for sure. (I disregard the anime as cannon, and only stick to the manga, so AFAIC (as far as I am concerned) it is not canon).

* * *

Chapter 11 : _Ah, whatever._

* * *

End of Week: 4

* * *

It was boring. It was mind numbingly boring. It was boring beyond doubt, that even Asuma's occasional rants/whines had nothing on it. It was EPIC-ly boring. Shikamaru kicked a rock sulkily, both hands tucked into his pockets and his back hunched. Four weeks – FOUR WEEKS of consistently chasing after a wayward son of a mother dog had a certain debilitating effect on Shikamaru Nara, scion of the Nara clan, and oh how he sulked. Even Asuma noticed, which was a miracle in itself as their teacher couldn't be described as astute by the most forgiving of persons. Which might explain why he was consistently failing to get Yuuhi Kurenai's hints to leave her alone. Strangely he had no issue spotting oddities in the natural surroundings – selective ignorance, perhaps?

Shikamaru sighed. The young lord should have just signed up as a shinobi – as a reconnaissance member he would have been invaluable AND most likely the counterpart to Uzumaki Naruto in sneaking. One was supremely capable of running away, the other supremely capable of infiltration. Indeed, come to think of it, it was quite the good match up in abilities. One could go anywhere and one which could escape from anywhere – it sure sounded like a winning formulae to his brain. But then, given how Naruto was prone to pranking 'seasons' of sorts, it would be a very bad idea if the young lord decided to help Naruto escape. He shivered at the thought.

_Wait._ Shikamaru paused in his strides, and caused Chouji to bump into him. Said Akimichi sighed, already far too used to the trance like state his friend was prone to at the most inopportune of times to even bother attempting to jolt him out of his trance. Easily picking the Nara heir up, he shoved him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and continued in the journey.

_If Naruto was that good in infiltration and sneaking around without being caught – hell, even the crème de crème, the AnBu couldn't detect him! He could easily become the most dangerous and prodigious assassin to grace the Elemental Countries ever. If he was born in the age prior the discovery of Chakra, he would be __**the **__best shinobi in the Countries. Even the most heavily guarded castle in Hi no Kuni was infiltrated - in that epoch, who could possibly defend against someone who can't even be detected? _Shikamaru's eyes widened uncomfortably. _And with that ability, he would have been fully capable of sneaking into the staff room and stealing the answers to the tests – how did he ever flunk them so badly? Perhaps his honour and loyalty to Iruka-sensei stopped him, but… Well, given that it IS Naruto he'd probably get distracted and paint the whole room pink instead of getting the answers.  
_

He blinked, and his eyes appeared back in focus. "Chouji, you can put me down now."

The rotund boy gently set his friend on the ground, and they proceeded down the path. "I know this sounds weird, but I can't help it. A piece of advice for you: do not piss Uzumaki Naruto off. Ever."

Pausing in her strides, Ino snorted incredulously. "You just realised? He pranked effectively half of the graduating class back then just for doubting he'd pass! Heck, even Sandaime-sama didn't dare to irritate him too much – that should have spoken volumes as to how scary he can be. How did you even miss that – your IQ's one of the highest in the village, damn it! For kami's sake, he changed the Instructor in charge of teaching us infiltration and stealth's clothes into a tutu while the Instructor was still in them!"

"Really?" Shikamaru snorted. "Unfortunately, I don't remember that incident."

"Well, being that you_ slept_ through that lesson…" Ino mused. "It wouldn't surprise me. It also wouldn't surprise me if you slept through your own funeral, only to wake up after being buried."

Yamanaka Ino narrowly dodged a Kunai thrown at her. "Oh kami, can't you take a joke?"

* * *

Nozomi stared. "Are you even in the right mind, Kurenai-sensei?"

"Why, being that I passed the mental evaluation tests during my Jounin exams, I guess I _should_ be in the right mind." Kurenai giggled. "Well, as right as shinobi's are."

"But I mean…" Nozomi sighed. "I _am_ infiltrating a function, right?"

"Unless the scroll is a lie, then yes." Kurenai smirked. "Why, scared?"

Staring at her instructor in deep disbelief, Nozomi picked up the woven basket. "I doubt that flower arrangement would be even of any use in everyday life, much less infiltrating a _FORMAL function_, of all things!

"You'd be singing a different tune once you start having more infiltration missions." Kurenai paused. "But then, unless you piss off Daimyo-sama again, I doubt that you'd have to use your flower arrangement lessons that much…"

"Point." Nozomi deadpanned.

"Point is that the lessons will allow you to more easily start a conversation when you're in danger of being caught. Flower arrangement is not a ninja only topic – you'd find out that quite some of the Konoha civilian populace know a fair bit in flower arrangement." Kurenai picked out a bunch of flowers and placed it into the basket Nozomi was holding. "Also, when you're caught eavesdropping, you could, perhaps, use a Kage Bushin to shift a basket of flowers behind them and tell them that you were appreciating the flower arrangement – generally speaking it is a very effective and useful school of knowledge to wriggle yourself out of tight situations."

Nozomi paused in her steps, and Kurenai paled slightly. That gleam in her eyes only appeared when she was plotting something, and if she was plotting a prank in revenge, Kurenai knew that she'd just have to endure through it, because Uzumaki Naruto wasn't the Prankster King for nothing – even as a female Nozomi was just as brutal.

"Well…" Nozomi smirked. "You know how I can eliminate my presence totally, no? I just need to summon a Kage Bushin, have it Henge into a piece of lint, and place it on the targets. They'd be unable to detect it, and I can eavesdrop without being even near them. Well, 'I' would be on them, but that's just a technicality. Then I just dismiss my Kage Bushin after the event, and well, I'd be home free and easy. Come to think of it, I don't even need to be in the function! Thanks to my genius, we can actually stop lessons now!"

"Better to be prepared that caught unaware, and being that you just pranked him two weeks ago, I would expect some… alterations to mission parameters. Well, take this other scenario, Nozomi: let's say that they're mingling with the rest of the guests before they discuss matters, and perhaps one of them approaches you, and starts a conversation about the flower arrangement at the reception. And you, having refused to learn anything about flower arrangement… Well, guess what happens next?" Kurenai smirked.

"I'd just have to bullshit my way out of it, what else?" Nozomi snorted. "How hard can it be?"

"Well, I think you'd find that particular phrase filed under a folder called 'Famous last words'." Kurenai grinned.

* * *

The messenger panted. He was exhausted; he was a regular dispatch messenger, and being that all current express messengers were out, he had unfortunately drawn the short end of the stick, and was forced to deliver that message to Konohagakure no Sato in under a week. Fortunately they gave him one more week as he was a regular messenger – his normal timetable would only have him reaching Konoha in another two weeks. Also fortunately for him he made it – his rice bowl would be secure for a few more months, depending on his luck. Hopefully there won't be more of such crazy assignments – nice salary or not, it sure wouldn't cover his collateral bills if he snapped his leg muscles in the process.

"Message for the Hokage?" The guard at the gate scanned his permit lazily. "The password?"

"The bird flies high in the sky; the hunter prowls below with his arrow notched." The messenger repeated. "The geisha dances gracefully in the yard; the lord sips his tea slowly."

The guard stared at him blankly. The guard's companion punched him in the upper arm, and pointed at the calendar. "Oh right, it's currently the odd hour on the Sunday of the odd week in the odd month of the even year. Sorry, your password's right. Go on in."

The messenger sighed in relief. He had sincerely thought he had repeated the wrong password; he didn't want to spend the night in an AnBu cell – it was cold, damp and really something he didn't want to be near to. He had enough of it the first time. The stay inside that cell would forever haunt/fuel his nightmares, and so would the mark on his record forever haunt his pay checks.

Asshole quartermaster.

* * *

Daisuke Kenji sneezed. Rubbing off his snot, Kenji continued his patrol down the seemingly empty halls of the Daimyo's castle. "What is it?" He asked the empty air.

Or rather, formerly empty air. A ninja appeared in front of him, and saluted. "A minor disturbance, Kenji-san. A fox crossed the boundaries and triggered the seals."

"Rearm them and throw the fox back into the forest." Kenji sighed in relief. Honestly, what sort of position was a quartermaster? By all rights he should just need to care for the quarters – hell, it was implied in the name! Instead he found himself issuing pay slips, checking out the security details, and all in all doing _anything_ and _everything_ except caring for the quarters. His pay was significantly higher than a quartermaster, yes, but god damn it, he didn't _want_ the job. He wanted a job he could slack AND survive, not one which demanded so much effort!

Which was probably why he allowed the young Uzumaki to prank the current Daimyo - then again he didn't know of the prank until it occurred, so... _Ah, whatever. _He shrugged. _More power to the Uzumaki - fuck the Daimyo._

* * *

Anko smiled. She loved having students that actually listened, and Team 8 was indeed, following her lessons quite well. Hence, she decided to reward them for their good attitude. "C'mere, little ones!"

"Little ones?" Kiba quirked an eyebrow.

"You're little, after all." She smirked. "Your present of the month : Dango!"

Kiba sighed.

* * *

Edit (30 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

A/N : HDD crash means delayed chapter.

In other news : SUB PLOTS, SUB PLOTS, AND MORE SUB PLOTS! :D

* * *

Chapter 12 : _Very peaceful - too peaceful, in fact. It's unnatural._

* * *

End of Week : 6

* * *

The young lord - who claimed most vigorously to have been named by a person who was incapable of coherent _AND_ logical thought - sulked, and twirled his pencil around his fingers.

"Honoka-sama, please pay attention!" Shikamaru grumbled irritably. "I'm not having any fun teaching you either, so do us both a favour and learn all of this immediately, so we can be rid of it." (Honoka : Stupid.)

The young lord snorted. "But you're so boooooooooooring! Do us both a favour and burn the retarded book, damn it!"

"Honoka-sama..." Ino grinned dangerously. Her hands came down and held the wiggling lord in his seat. "Such vulgar words are below one of your status!" She smiled thinly. "Or have you forgotten the lesson on etiquette? Perhaps Shikamaru-sensei can spare you for a day so we can... revise." There was a special sort of emphasis on the last word the young lord disliked immensely.

Ino gave a toothy grin. Honoka shivered, and resolved not to get married - women were dangerous, no matter what his father said. While he could stand his servants, marrying a woman and making her his queen implied an elevation of position for her, and that meant that she would take the ungranted, and certainly never-going-to-be-granted liberty to nag the hell out of him. And the even more ungranted liberty of scaring the heck out of him when he ignores her. How in the world were they called the fairer sex? _More like the I-Will-Get-My-Way sex, or the unfair sex, in the other words. _He snorted.

"Right." Asuma sniggered. "I guess Ibiki's been hanging around with your father too much - God damn it, Chouji!"

"What?" The Akimichi frowned. But with the food in his mouth, it came out as "Fhat?" instead, and he frowned even more.

"I said _leave the sausages_!" Asuma scowled. "You know I like sausages, damn it!"

"But you said to leave the asparagus?" Chouji scratched his head. "It's at the other end - I didn't touch it!"

"Grahh!" Asuma growled. "I HATE ASPARAGUS! God damn it, -"

"Shut up!" Shikamaru yelled. "In case you clowns were wondering, I'm TRYING to have a lesson here!"

Honoka surreptitiously stood up and sneaked towards the doorway.

"WhewAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!" The young lord landed flat on his face, having tripped on something. "God damned fox, god damn it!"

"My lord." Ino smiled. "Come with me."

Honoka instantly regretted his loose mouth, but upon seeing the blinding grin on her face, he gave up any thoughts of resistance, instead choosing to scratch at the developing rash. "Kill the fox for me, Shikamaru-sensei, and perhaps I might start listening to your less-" The door slammed shut behind him.

Shikamaru snorted, and opened a cup of instant ramen, before offering it on the altar in the passage way. Foxes always liked Naruto, and Naruto loved ramen. A fox helped them, and given the orange-y colour of the fox's fur, Shikamaru couldn't help thinking that Naruto had in some form or another intervened somehow. He threw the remaining packet of seasoning at the fox, who happily licked at the remnants with a yip.

Settling back in his chair, his mind instantly swam to the incident a week ago when the fleeing lord tripped over the same fox and as a result ended up covered in rashes due to his allergy to fox fur - apparently he had gotten more used to it after his first exposure and the rash was localized. He giggled subconsciously, and smiled at the lord's screams of horror that wafted into the room.

"NO! NOT THAT!" There was a girlish scream, then silence. He smiled, and slipped into peaceful slumber.

* * *

"So..." There was a glint of white - the figure smiled. "What do you think?"

"Think of what?" The other snapped irritably. "Don't tell me you asked me here to guess riddles - I have better things to do than that, than you very much."

"But brother, it has been ages since I last saw you!" The first figure gestured dramatically. "Why, can't we have a heart to heart talk? How's your son, anyway?"

"He's on some sort of mission currently." The other replied, leaning back on the wall. "Why?"

"Well, he's your son, and my nephew - I should be concerned, shouldn't I?" The first chuckled. "So how's the village nowadays?"

"Very peaceful - too peaceful, in fact. It's unnatural." The second sighed. "And I doubt you really care about the village, anyway."

"Your words wound me, my brother." The first smirked. "But then again, your words are true. I don't really have the time to care about the village - I have more pressing matters. Anyway, on my presence, you should know why already."

"It's not time yet." The second shook his head. "My son is young, and you fit, and more than capable. I do not see the point of fulfilling that stupid agreement we had years ago as children."

"But promises should never be broken - how upset would our mother be if she hears you now?" The first sighed. "Then again she didn't really care about us - given how sick our father was, she had to spend more time looking after affairs than the children."

"She'd probably be more upset with your hair - why did you dye it, anyway?" The second shifted uncomfortably. "Besides, what's with this cloak and dagger business? We could just gather in one of the disused safe houses. The fabric's irritating my skin."

"There's the Byakugan, you idiot." The first shook his head. "Who knows what the Hyuuga might think when he sees someone that shouldn't even be here."

There was an uncomfortable silence, before the second offered. "Your hair?"

"Ah, those old stuck ups didn't really appreciate that we inherited our hair from our mother - meetings proceed more smoothly if I dye it." The first shrugged. "It shouldn't matter, but oh well, whatever floats their boat. Your son will probably have to do the same."

"I doubt that they would approve of him even if he has our father's hair colour." The second shook his head ruefully. "He possesses not a modicum of administrative talent. I would think it's highly likely that they'd clamor after your blood even more if they caught wind that you had a hand in causing his ascension."

"That's what they said of me, and look what they call me now." The first snorted. "Heck, why the hell am I famous for being able to push paperwork fast?"

"You were always _odd._" The second smirked. "Even now you remain weird. I mean, who the heck asks other people to walk around in a blue coat, and wears a NEON GREEN COAT himself, damn it?"

"The more conspicuous you are, the less suspicious you will be." The first nodded sagely.

"And the person who sticks out like a sore thumb draws attention." The second drawled. "How in the world did you pass your Jounin exams as an idiot, brother?"

"With my awesome talent, what else!" The first grinned. "Well, time's about up - send your son in a month or two!"

"He'll remain here." The second frowned. "There is no point in him going."

"..." The first paused. "I didn't want to tell you this, but I'm impotent. I have no chances of having a legitimate heir, brother, so the only one eligible is your son."

"WHAT?" The second grabbed the first by the shoulders. "I haven't heard of this! When did it occur? I'll ask Tsunade-sama -"

"It doesn't matter." The first answered, refusing to look at the second in the eye. "Just send your son over."

The second stood silently for a few moments, before concluding. "Bah, if you wanted to lie pick a better one."

"I was that obvious?"

* * *

Nozomi paused briefly as her hearing caught the high pitched scream of a man who had something horrible done to him. Shivering slightly, she bowed in the general direction in sympathy.

Then her eyes caught the returning figure of Kurenai-sensei from the distance. _OH FUCK!_

Summoning a horde of Kage Bushins, Nozomi attempted to complete the flower arrangement, _pronto. _

_First we put the daffodils, then the lilies, the roses -oh, there's a bad one in these!- snip off the thorns, and - _

There was the sound of keys in the lock, and Nozomi paled.

"Are you done?" Her sound reverberated through the house.

"Umm, ahh, I think so." Nozomi stuttered. "Yeah, I think so."

"Hmm..." Kurenai paused. "That sounds bad. Is flower arrangement really that hard? I thought you _had_ a green thumb!"

"A green thumb indicates talent in _growing_, not _arranging!_" Nozomi pouted. "So what did Baa-chan want?"

"Well, apparently you _have_ managed to piss off Daimyo-sama further. You will have to invite them to the next annual Hi no Kuni ball; here's the invitations - don't lose them! - and will have to simultaneously paint the throne of the Earth Daimyo pink." Kurenai smirked. "Luckily I'm not the one who will have to do it."

"Where's the letter?" Nozomi asked, seemingly innocently.

"It stinks of sake, and as it's also a official letter it has to be filed in the records, so it's still with Hokage-sama." Kurenai grimaced. "And apparently this was delivered two week ago."

"Do you have a copy?" Nozomi promptly sent off a Kage Bushin in the direction of the Hokage's Tower.

"I do, but why?" Kurenai reached towards her pouch, extracting a bunch of papers. "Hmm, not this, not this either - it's this one."

Taking the offered paper, Nozomi dispelled the Kage Bushin, and instead, chose to stare at the paper. "Could I keep this?"

"Sure, why not?" Kurenai shrugged. "Now let me take a look at how your flower arrangement is coming along."

"Don't say I didn't warn you." Nozomi sighed, and pocketed the paper.

* * *

"Kenji-san!" A guard panted. "Daimyo-sama isn't in his office!"

Kenji palmed his face and cursed the gods couldn't that bastard just let him have a peaceful day off?

* * *

"So well, I've gotta go." The figure cloaked in neon green whimpered. "Come visit sometimes - it has been ages since I last saw him."

"You haven't even seen him face to face before." The blue garbed figure deadpanned. "But perhaps one day I shall bring him down."

"Yeah yeah, whatever." The first sulked. "I'm not the one without any responsibilities here."

"Riiiight." The second drawled. "And who skipped work just to come here?"

"The work can wait." The first harrumphed. "Nothing is more important than my matters."

"Yeah yeah, get a move on." The second shook his head in amusement. "And the next time I see you, I expect a heir."

"Oh gods no." The first groaned. "You sound like mom before she gave up the ghost. I thought I was rid of that when she died!"

"Well, I'm not about to volunteer my son for hell." The second smirked. "Or a fate worse than hell, in fact."

"Your son should be in my seat, damn it!" The first groused. "One day or another I'll fulfill that promise, brother."

"Sure sure, now go, little brother." The second took off, leaving a trail of dust where he once stood.

The first removed his cloak, and emerged out from the alley they were in out into the market place. Spotting a particularly pretty one, he delivered a megawatt smile at her. She blushed a deep crimson, and averted her glance, but he noticed her sneaking looks at him. The Daimyo smirked - sooner or later he'd be free to flirt all he wanted, when his brother's son was the Daimyo instead. Oh, he could just see the days of freedom ahead...!

"Daimyo-sama!" _Curses!_

* * *

"Kakashi-sensei." Kakashi palmed his face. _Not this again, Sasuke. I'm TRYING to read here, damn it!  
_

"Train me." Sasuke glared.

"Tut tut, my dear duckie." Kakashi gave him another eye-grin. "BZZT, wrong! Try again."

"Train _us_." Sasuke growled, the "us" being especially forced.

"Ding ding ding!" Kakashi giggled. "We have a winner! Now run six laps around Konoha, and ask again."

"SIX?" Sakura screeched, clearly on the verge of fainting. "We just ran TEN laps, FU - SENSEI!"

"Ten laps is merely warm up." Kakashi smirked. "I know a guy who considers fifty laps warm up. Want me to introduce him to you, and ask him to help you with your training, Pinkie?"

Said pinkie immediately ran away in a mad dash, and the Uchiha scion followed.

* * *

Anko smirked. Kiba paled, and ran away in cold fear.

"Now now now, Kiba." Anko grinned, which sent shivers down the boy's spine. "What did I tell you about running away?"

"To watch his surroundin - Oof!" A pink blur collided with the fleeing Inuzuka, sending both flying.

"You fail again, Kiba!" Anko giggled. "One life down, and two left. When it becomes zero..." She made vogue snapping motions, and Kiba grabbed his jewels in reflex.

"Two more rounds, Sakura." Kakashi thumbed at his book. "Crashing into somebody blindly reflects badly on me as a sensei."

Sakura groaned, and Sasuke fumed behind. _Kakashi, you **FAIL** as a sensei. Perhaps Orochimaru would be better...?_

* * *

A/N :In case you ever wonder why the hell this story has so many subplots, many of them are plots in which aren't really full plots worthy of a one shot, yet still things my mind likes to churn up and bugger me about it. They're all linked, and will ultimately conclude at the same time this story ends - there should be no cliff hangers, and in the Final Chapter/Epilogue (if this story has one) the links will all be explained.

* * *

Edit (30 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

Chapter 13 : _Luckily his rage has reduced him to a mindless orge incapable of senjutsu_

* * *

End of Week : 7

* * *

"Thanks for whatever you've done." Honoka bowed slightly. "I appreciate it." _And the faster you're gone, the better my life will be. And the **longer** my life will be, too.  
_

"Oh no problem, my lord." Ino replied, bowing back in return. "The next time you want a refresher, I'm sure Konoha will be more than willing to send over a team to help you _refresh_ your memory." _And what fun it'd be! I can already imagine more than 20 plans, and more follows!  
_

"I'd be glad to take you on your offer." Honoka replied. "Perhaps I'd entrust the education of my future heirs to such outstanding_ ladies_ and gentlemen." _As punishment, not education, however_. _Anything involving you is destined to end in pain of epic proportions._

"Thank you for your high praise my lord." Ino grinned toothily. "I'm sure your offspring will find the experience exceedingly _satisfying_." _And **exciting**_.

"Send my regards to the Hokage." The young lord smiled thinly. "She is lucky to have the employ of such _talented_ individuals." _One talented in eating, one talented in doing nothing, one talented in being absolutely boring, and the last in being an absolute **BITCH **of unparalleled talent in sheer bitchiness. _

"Oh, I'm sure she'd be okay with stationing a team or two at your castle to oversee security." Ino grinned. "I'm sure that if you ask, she'd be more than willing to." _And it could just so very well be my team... Oh hohohohoho!_

"Oh, I wouldn't want to hinder the progress of such promising ninja! It surely would be considered a crime were I to do that." The lord shook his head ruefully. "Alas, I'd have to postpone the enhancing of security at my castle just a tad longer." _Oh in hell **no**! Maybe when you're dead after a mission - but no way I'd ask for anything from Konoha before that! My safety is of paramount importance - and your presence jeopardizes EVERYTHING!  
_

"Are you sure, my lord?" Ino clapped both hands on his shoulders, and squatted slightly, looking at him eye to eye. "Your safety is of paramount importance - to ignore your safety would be a crime of criminal proportions, something all of us don't want." _In addition, I've yet to fully take revenge yet, asshole. There's still interest to pay back.  
_

"Oh no no no, there is no need for you to think that." The young lord waved his hands, perhaps a tad too hastily. "The guards back at the castle are very competent, and I would trust them with my life." _They might betray me, true, but even a backstabber is better than having you there._

"Send my regards to your father." Asuma smirked, ruffling the hair of the slightly bruised Chouji. Said boy glared at his sensei, who had put a clamp on the food intake he could get after that asparagus incident. "Tell him that Sarutobi Asuma sends his regards."

"Sarutobi Asuma, right?" The young lord gestured to his retainer. "Will do." _Yeah yeah, you uncultured monkey. _(The Saru in Sarutobi is the kanji for monkey.)

"Alright, we'd be best on our way." Asuma shrugged. "Where's Shikamaru, anyway?"

"He's still sleeping, I'd guess." Ino shrugged, not noticing that the young lord had a peculiarly happy glint in his eye.

* * *

"MMMMMMMMMMMM!"

Translated into human, it would be something akin to "Where in the world is this! LET ME GO!"

When he woke from his slumber, he had found himself gagged, and bound tightly. His hands were nearly touching his feet, and by gods, was his back sore.

Shikamaru wiggled around, noticing that the walls were hard and most likely wood. He banged against a corner, and tried to scowl when it refused to budge. "MMMMMMMMM!"

* * *

The innkeeper whistled happily while mopping the floor. Why, these customers were either rich or very rich, for the young one tipped him quite generously, and all he needed was to turn one dresser the other way round, and ensured that the doors would face the wall. They might be odd, but they were rich, and hey, when did he question money?

There was an odd thudding sound, though, and he dismissed it as the antics of his sore neighbour. _Pfft, old fool. Now I've got the rich clients, and you get the poor! BWAHAHAHAHA!_

* * *

"Where's Shikamaru, my lord?" Ino smirked. The young lord seemed too eager to get away when Shikamaru was mentioned, and he just gave up his game.

"I wasn't aware that I had to take care of your teammate?" The young lord squawked nervously. _And that he absolutely sucks?_

* * *

Ino cracked her knuckles, and the young lord visibly paled. _Oh, fuck._

"HE'S - IN - THE - DRESSER - FACING - THE - WALL - I'M - VERY - SORRY - ABOUT - IT - BUT - THE - BASTARD - WAS - BORING - AND - WAS - FORCING - MY - SKULL - TO - ATTEMPT - AND - EVICT - MY - BRAIN - SO - FORGIVE - ME - I'VE - GOTTA - RUN - MY - FATHER'D - BE - VERY - WORRIED - RIGHT - ABOUT - NOW - SO - CATCH - YA - GUYS - AGAIN - SOMETIME - WHEN - HELL - FREEZES - OVER - AND - SNOWS - DON'T - SEND - LETTERS!" The young lord rushed away in a plume of dust, his entourage running behind him.

"Wow, amazing lung capacity." Asuma whistled. "Did anyone catch what he said?"

Nara Shikamaru felt a very strong urge to petition the Hokage to ban all sales of cigarettes. Or even just ban ninja from consuming cigarettes under the pretext of caring for the health of her underlings - cigarettes kill, after all.

* * *

Nozomi stared at the assortment of items in front of her in despair. It was unholy - it was so against her principles that she felt tempted to just run away and be a missing nin - Konoha be damned.

[Earlier]

"Nozomi?" Kurenai poked her head into his room. "Are you done _yet_?"

"I would think so." Nozomi nodded. "But I still suck at this. This whole school of knowledge blows! Can't we just skip this?"

"I'm afraid not, but since your newest creation is at least satisfactory, I think we can proceed on to the next stage of our lessons. There's only about a week left, after all." Kurenai smiled. "We do have some other areas to focus on, but for now I think your knowledge in flower arrangement would be satisfactory."

"Really?" Nozomi gave her a very huggable doe eye look, and Kurenai suppressed her feminine instincts to hug the hell out of her.

"Yes, and the next lesson should be the last." Kurenai smiled. "It's on fashion. For both genders."

* * *

There was a high pitched scream in the distance, and Tsunade punched her fist in the air in a victory gesture instinctively.

"Tsunade-sama..." Shizune cradled her face in her palm. "Get the table out of the ceiling. NOW."

* * *

Kakashi smirked as Sasuke scowled. Said Uchiha was currently stuck in the ground, courtesy of a spar and him being caught in a certain very annoying jutsu. "Well, at least you lasted longer than Sakura."

Sasuke snorted.

"Then again, I'm sure Naruto would have lasted longer." Kakashi grinned. "This means more training, Sasuke."

Sasuke couldn't decide if he should smirk at finally getting some training, or be angry at the jab about his skills.

* * *

"Umino-san." The Hyuuga nodded stiffly. "Hiashi-sama will be visiting in two hours."

"Ah, eh, alright." Iruka nodded stiffly. Whenever he was around Hyuuga's he ended up stiff, and with the fact that his 'daughter' was Hyuuga his joints felt stiff for the past few weeks. The Branch member bowed slightly and stiffly, before continuing on his path to the market.

The past few weeks had been uneventful, surprisingly. Other than the fact that Hanabi _absolutely_ refused to exit what he deemed her "Stuck Up" mode, she had proactively taken not-so-subtle jabs at her father's illogical decision making process, insinuating that her new 'father' was absolutely rubbish at the job, and also in the process taken the opportunity to jab at his manhood. Not that she had seen it of course - what sort of teacher would he be if she knew, or have had any chance to know? He wasn't Orochimaru, damn it! - but it was amusing to see such a precocious brat attempt at insulting things she didn't possess much knowledge off. Besides, he was minimally average, damn it!

That was the first time he'd heard of "flash" being used as an insult, apparently at his stamina, or rather, the lack of any. Goes to show what she knew - apparently he needed to have words with the teacher in charge of Konoha's History lessons. Who in the right mind would use flash as an insult after the Yellow Flash? What was she being taught?

* * *

Jiraiya sneezed. Luckily for him he wasn't researching at the moment, but hard at work in front of a desk. Unfortunately his sneeze upset the ink container that he was currently refilling his pen with and the inkwell shattered, and black waterproof ink went splattering all over the pages.

"NOOOOO! NOT MY LATEST ICHA ICHA! MY HOT HOT YURI SCENES! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Pausing slightly, he continued. "Forgive me, Naruto and Kurenai! I have failed thee!"

* * *

Kakashi shivered. Something bad had happened to something holy, that much he knew.

Unfortunately for him, he happened to be involved in a mock fight with Uchiha Sasuke, who simply adored fire techniques, and happened to be using his signature jutsu. Said fireball hurtling down his way wasn't registered on his radar as all his systems froze for that particularly unholy moment.

And even more unfortunately, he happened to be clutching one of his precious copies of Icha Icha at the moment.

The fireball impacted - exploding in his face and blowing him clear out of the forest. Flung into the chilly waters of the pond nearby, Kakashi's system was dealt a sudden shock that reactivated all systems, and he surfaced in an explosion, Sharingan eye exposed, his hands about to unleash the fury of Raikiri until his mind processed that he was in fact, engaged in a mock duel with two thirds of his team. The gathered chakra petered down and his hitai ate slid down to cover Obito's eye.

* * *

Sasuke emerged, bursting out of the forest, and was immediately thrown back by a kunai headed his way. The kunai he had drawn to deflect the one thrown his way cracked, and snapped in half. Sasuke paled. Kakashi rarely used that amount of force, and when he did, it was usually when an enemy threatened his students. Which meant that he was really pissed, in turn suggesting that he was really screwed, and he should have written his will, fathered a brood and ended his brother's life before attempting such a stupid act - how did he piss Kakashi-sensei off to that extent, anyway?

Something nudged at his mind. Something was off. But what was it?

Then the reason finally dawned upon Sasuke. One particularly obvious object was missing, and most likely perished in _his_ attack. He was so screwed - how was he supposed to kill Itachi if Kakashi killed him first? Life was unfair - and kami was a bias bastard who liked Itachi. His brother had always been a little limp wristed, anyway.

"Silent, Sakura." Sasuke whispered to/ordered his teammate, who had crawled next to him. "Kakashi-sensei is... illogical now. Hide."

And hide they did, as a now furious Kakashi tore into the forest with reckless abandon. "MY ICHA ICHA!" He roared.

Sharingan whirring in absolute fury, Kakashi launched a fireball at where Sasuke and Sakura hid, and both Genins rushed from their now burning cover, their speed (and for Sakura, stamina) enhanced by the threat to their continued existence.

"Luckily his rage has reduced him to a mindless orge incapable of senjutsu." Sasuke muttered under his breath. "Or we'd be so dead, considering that he _is_ the Kopi Nin." (Senjutsu - Tactics.)

* * *

Kakashi growled primally, his Sharingan eye easily and expertly tracking the fleeing prey, the ease brought about by years of experience.

_My Icha Icha... The first edition, personally signed by Jiraiya-sama... My **Icha Icha**... _Then his mind started rebooting itself, having detected the errors popping up in his logic processes, and thoughts flowed more coherently. _I stood there like some sort of retard, as though I became Naruto for that split instant, letting the technique hit my Icha Icha. _

_I **let** the technique hit my Icha Icha._ His mind froze.

_I **LET **the technique hit my **Icha Icha**._

Then realization struck.

_I..._

_I..._

_..._

_I **DESTROYED** my **Icha Icha**._

His mind fractured, before shattering, incapable of processing the very notion that he had, in actual fact, caused, or aided, in any sense, the destruction of his precious.

* * *

A roar of unhidden anguish blasted past the fleeing Genins, and Sakura paused to look backwards.

"Umm, Sasuke-kun, is that something... **_blue_** leaving out of our sensei's mouth?" Sakura gestured to the Uchiha scion.

"I don't know." Sasuke shrugged. Kakashi was kneeling down in the dirt, his face facing the sky and his eyes unfocused.

"Shouldn't your Sharingan tell you something?" Sakura suggested. "But I'm sure there's nothing to be told, after all, you would have already thought of that!"

Sasuke was oddly contemplative - and a bit upset that the worthless pinkie would have thought of something faster than he did. Then he spoke. "It seems that the chakras in sensei's bodies is running in full tilt. The blue smoke is merely the side product of the high concentration of chakra, sort of like my Chidori."

* * *

Little by little, Kakashi's fractured mind started gathering itself together again.

Gathering itself, his chakras calmed down and took a swirl around his body, lingering far longer than usual around his eyes. His Sharingan eye.

Kakashi shook himself. He was finally back in control, and -

What happened? His eyesight had never been that sharp before. Never had he before felt this overwhelming strength - as though he could just stretch out and _remove_ that blasphemously offending bastard in front of him from reality. It was tantalizing, but Kakashi felt the strain on his reserves, not to mention that removing the bastard will cause the council to bitch at him, and throttled the chakra flow. His eyesight reverted back to normal - as normal as a Sharingan eye can be, considering that it had already memorized the texture of the headband covering it fifty times for nothing - and he slid his protector down.

* * *

Sasuke gasped, drawing a sharp intake of breath. The Mangekyou. The last stage of the Sharingan. The _ultimate _Doujutsu.

The _revered _eye. The eye only a few had managed to attain, in the entire history of the Uchiha Clan. The eyes his brother possessed - and used to torture him with the killing of the -

He shook himself out of the morbid thoughts. Such thoughts would have given a chance for Sakura to fawn over him as he gagged - which was not a Good Thing.

And his (undeserving) sensei had attained it purely by the (justified) destruction of a (lousy stinkin') book of (cheap) smut (and unholy luck). Something he had aided.

How... maddening.

How cheapening.

How... exhilarating...!

Sasuke resolved to gain a love of the Icha Icha series that paralleled or surpassed his mentor's, and to burn one of those books and go cold turkey on the series after that.

He'd be so much closer to Itachi, and for what cost? He didn't need to sacrifice his best friend - not that he had one - which made it much easier. How on earth was he to find something that _didn't _exist? In addition, he could blame it on Kakashi! Yeah, corrupting influence, and what not. It'd be an easy job to obtain a copy too - Kakashi's love for Icha Icha was infamous, and his laziness well known. Sending his students on a smut book run wouldn't be something impossible.

For the first time in many years, Sasuke felt that he was, at least, catching up with his brother. He smiled. Perhaps Orochimaru could wait - he was quite sure that Jiraiya wouldn't sell his Icha Icha in the lands of someone he detested, and he had never heard of a book shop in Otogakure no Sato. Unless there was someone in Oto that could become his best friend... Sasuke snorted - with Orochimaru, that person would either have became his host, or was dead from experimentation - so it was a dead end.

Perhaps, Konoha wasn't so useless after all. Then again it did throttle his growth, so perhaps he could try Kumo? They'd always liked kekkei genkai.

* * *

"So..." The Daimyo tapped his throne, deep in thought. "Report."

"There are no more Namikaze's in the land of Lightning, my lord." The ninja knelt. "And as far as we know, the last of the Namikaze's in the land of the Whirlpool died when they were annexed by Mizu no Kuni, all recorded and certified dead by the Water's Royal Doctor himself."

"The Namikaze's were a clan too dangerous for them to be in Water, eh?" The Daimyo chuckled. "They were always too talented for the suspicious retards at Water to appreciate their talent. The Mizukage _is _power hungry enough to attempt such a foolish act."

"I do not possess sufficient capability to comment on this, my lord." The ninja bowed. "But it would be logical to think that my lord's explanation is correct."

"So any news from the other lands?" The lord smiled thinly. "I trust that they're more positive?"

"The other reports have yet to arrive, my lord." The man bowed. "I will inform you immediately once they arrive."

"Very well." The Daimyo stood. "You're dismissed."

The Daimyo rose, hardly noting that the ninja had now disappeared. "Pity, eh, Minato? What happened to your clan? Were you the last of the Namikaze's...?"

The walls gave no answer.

"Nevertheless the young Uzumaki could give your clan a run for the money, though." The Daimyo shook his head ruefully, and smirked. "Nevertheless he _is_ of inferior stock. At his age, you were already a Jounin, but him... Summon my head of intelligence - I have a new task for him."

"Hai, Daimyo-sama." The ninja dropped from the ceiling and sped away.

He smirked. The boy held talent, undeniably. Why was he still a mere Genin? Although admittedly his performance in the Chuunin Examinations wasn't up to par - relying on foreign chakra as your triumph card instantly slayed any hopes of his promotion... That, and the fact that he had failed his Genin exams _thrice_. Well, in hindsight that foreign chakra was his for the rest of his entire natural life, and had fucked his control so bad that the Bunshin technique was probably permanently out of his grasp, so perhaps it wasn't that _bad_. There was worse. Perhaps he had been too strict, but hey, they were _his_ ninja's, and by extent, his to play with as well. He rubbed his hands in glee. Being the Daimyo in such cases rocked.

* * *

"So..." Naruto twitched. Or rather, clone Naruto twitched. "Are you done playing house with me yet, Boss?"

"Until Kurenai-sensei says it's fine, you _will_ remain still, clone!" Nozomi barked. "And _silent!_"

Kurenai stiffled her groan as Nozomi held a pair of orange shirt and pants - admittedly they were mutely orange, a marked improvement - and looked at her expectantly. Shaking her head, Kurenai mentally prepared herself to give the Uzumaki the lecture on fashion the _third _time that day. Perhaps teaching fashion last wasn't such a smart move, after all. Then again, how was she to predict that the brat would remain so... fashion unconscious. Especially after all those lessons.

_Then again, he did run around in a orange suit like some sort of mentally retarded AND colour blind monkey, so... _

* * *

"Hanabi." Hiashi intoned.

"Father." Hanabi intoned back, bowing her head.

Iruka resisted the urge to groan as the two just stared at each other.

* * *

A/N : And so yes, I was really that bored to figure out how Kakashi got his Mangekyou, albeit non seriously.

If Kishimoto really went with something like that... I can only say that the future of Naruto is bleak.

Well, admittedly it'd be an impossibility that it'd get any bleaker - Is canon Naruto gay? That's the only explanation I can have for why he's so hung on getting Sasuke back.

It boggles the mind, and probably shattered any hope I have had, which was already minuscule to begin with, of the series _not_ sucking any more.

Seriously? See a shrink, Kishimoto.

On a lighter note, I do have a curiously funny scene involving the fight between Orochimaru and Sarutobi (Hiruzen) though, which is below. Ignore if you wish - it's totally unrelated to the story, and draws upon the errors that Studio Pierrot and Aniplex made. (Those fools should have never been trusted with the anime. They're either brain dead, or retarded on a whole new level, for now the Rasengan is apparently, a SHIP PROPELLER? What'd it be whored as next? A vacuum cleaner?)

* * *

"Orochimaru!" Sarutobi growled. "Stop this idiocity right now!"

"Kukukukuku..." Orochimaru drawled. "What idiocity? I'm merely taking revenge."

"You can't win against me." Sarutobi flowed into a taijutsu stance. "Old as I may be, I'm still superior to you." (According to the Databooks, it seems that Kishimoto has all intentions of making young Sarutobi the most hardcore ninja ever to exist, since he has a perfect 5 stat rating in anything that won't atrophy with age. Given that he made Hokage at what, 15?, it would have been amusing to see a midget kicking ass and taking names.)

"Kukukukuku..." Orochimaru smirked. "Perhaps in my original body, yes, but not now."

"No..." Sarutobi clenched his fist. "You actually did something that immoral?"

"Immoral?" Orochimaru gestured dramatically. "Morality has always been determined by men - and why should I let the artificial shackles of lower beings hold me down?"

"You are worse than the most degenerate of humans." Sarutobi spat bitterly. "To think I thought of you as a son - how foolish of me!"

"You were always a fool, _sensei_." Orochimaru hissed. "And now it's too late. _**Kuchiyose: Edo Tensei!**_"

Three dead bodies on the ground flittered away, turning into ash. Sarutobi stared quizically at Orochimaru. "Wait and see, and I promise, this will be the best and last sight you will see." Orochimaru gloated.

One coffin rose, and when Sarutobi saw what was inscribed on the lid his blood froze over. "You... you didn't..."

"Oh yes, I did." Orochimaru was almost giddy to the point where he wanted to break into song. "And your hesitance will prove to be your downfall."

Sarutobi acted to prevent the other coffin from emerging, but when he caught sight of the third he broke into a small smile. Apparently Orochimaru wasn't as clever as he thought. The small smile was quickly wiped away, and Sarutobi glared at his student with mock outrage. Of course, with his technique honed by years of council meetings Orochimaru couldn't see through his ruse, and Orochimaru was severely tempted to just spontaneously erupt into song at that point. "And now you die, sensei."

The lids fell off, revealing the bodies of Hashirama Senju, the Shodai Hokage, Tobirama Senju, the Nidaime Hokage, and Minato Namikaze, the Yondaime Hokage.

Sarutobi couldn't hold it in anymore and burst into laughter.

"Why are we here?" Hashirama glanced outside quizically. "We should be dead."

"What so funny, Saru?" Tobirama peered around the scene. "I don't see Danzo or Homura nearby, so why are you laughing?"

"How's my son, Sarutobi?" Minato pressed. "And what the hell is that loser doing here?"

"No time for idle chatter." Orochimaru giggled, producing three tagged kunai. "Time for a fight to the death -"

**"Funny you should mention my name, ningen."**

The Hebi Sannin froze.

**"I was willing to overlook the first two, but the third is just asking for it."**

The coffins crumbled, and along with it, the previous Hokage's. **"The third soul you tried to summon _is_ mine, ningen, and attempting to steal him is a crime most dear."**

Orochimaru felt his soul shiver.

**"You have committed the crime - now you shall have to pay the price for the transgression."**

Orochimaru felt his soul tear away from his control - and he could do nothing about it.

Sarutobi Hiruzen persisted in his laughing fit on the floor, finally justifying the usage of LOL.

Yes, the God of Shinobi just ROFL'ed. And LMAO'ed.

When the AnBu finally broke through the barrier, some were worried that their Hokage had been tortured to insanity, but one more alert, and arguably clever-er, one decided that burning the corpse of Orochimaru took precedence.

Kabuto wept, and started cutting himself. "Thou has forsaken me, my master~!" He wailed in the night.

* * *

Edit (30 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

Chapter 14 - _It damn near gave Sasuke-chan brown pants the first time we saw it!_

* * *

End of Week : 8

* * *

"This is a bookstore." Kakashi deadpanned. "Bookstore. You know, a place that sells books. Not pointy instruments of destruction. You know, books? Instruments that record, analyze, summarize, organize, debate and explain information; that are illustrated, non-illustrated, hard-bound, paperback, jacketed, non-jacketed, with foreword, introduction, table-of-contents, index; that are intended for the enlightenment, understanding, enrichment, enhancement and education of the human brain, through the sensory route of vision, sometimes touch. _BOOKS!_ Uchiha Sasuke doesn't tango with books, the last time I've checked."

"Says so on the sign, sensei." Sasuke snorted. "Unlike some, I can read, and do read."

"Oh, Naruto can read." Kakashi smirked. "Well… Most of the time he's too busy ploughing through the store than to stop and read, so I guess it sort of cancels out, but yes, he can read."

"You do remember you're talking about the guy who simply flunked every test at the Academy, yes?" Sasuke snorted. "Even the open-book tests?"

"Hmm…" Kakashi fingered his chin. "Food for thought : Given what you know of Naruto's treatment by most of the villagers, what sort of book was he using as reference?"

"The standard book." Sasuke deadpanned. "Sandaime Hokage-sama checked them himself."

"The Hokage's that free and bored?" Kakashi blinked in surprised. "Kage- I mean, the last time I checked a Hokage had a ton of paperwork to do." _Whew, nice save there Kakashi, who knows what Sasuke might do when he discovers Kage Bushin is a real technique instead of something Naruto made up. Then I'd never hear the end of it.  
_

"Probably more due to disbelief about the existence of negative IQ, and in surprise as to how idiotic some can possibly be." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "And when did I say I was referring to Naruto in the first place, sensei?"

"Well, you didn't, but err, common sense?" Kakashi whistled innocently, thumbing his Icha Icha. _Right… I should make a detour to the Uchiha estates after Sasuke enters the store. There might be some useful information there on the Mangekyou. What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him...  
_

* * *

"Head of Intelligence she said." The leaves rustled. "Honorable job she said."

"Attracts the chicks, she said." The figure stopped. "This reminds me, I need to pay her back for attempting to force a chastity belt on me."

"Hmph. Guess this shows how much she knows – why in the world is the Head of Intelligence personally camping in this backwater area…" The figure groused. "I mean, what sort of bureaucrat is forced to attend to this sort business personally? I didn't get promoted from a grunt to the boss, all in order to do a grunt's work."

"God damn it, why the hell is this so troublesome… Next time, when Dad says 'Don't listen to your wife' I'm damn well listening to his advice, fuck the couch. Fuck Daimyo-sama too, really..."

* * *

"Have you been well, Hanabi?" The words, although softly spoken, reverberated through the small room, shattering the silence.

"I have, Father." Hanabi replied calmly.

Hiashi nodded imperceptibly, and took another sip of the tea.

Iruka sighed internally. _How long is this going to last… I feel like I've aged a thousand years already._

* * *

"How's that, Kurenai-sensei?" Nozomi tittered. "It's pretty good, right? RIGHT?"

"Hmm," Kurenai scratched her cheek. "White doesn't really fit well with that orange, Nozomi, especially considering that you're suggesting an _orange_ button up shirt with white pants." Kurenai sighed. Nozomi was clearly born with a birth defect in that she thought that fashion came in all colours so long as the major colour was orange. Initially, that orange was a mind numbing bright _LOOK AT ME AND BE BLINDED_ orange, but so far Kurenai thought she had great success, in managing to tone the orange down to a more muted orange.

"What about orange on black?" Nozomi scratched her head in frustration.

_Finally, something gets in._ Kurenai sighed. _Even though it's still orange, but at least it can match.  
_

"That could work." Kurenai nodded stiffly. She really didn't want to give the whole lecture on complimentary colours, and clothes matching again. "But again, it depends whether the top or the bottom's orange."

"The err… bottom?" Nozomi smirked triumphantly. "Yeah, the bottom!"

The long suffering Yuuhi Kurenai squeezed her eyes shut and let loose a shuddering breath. "Do you really like the sound of my voice so much?"

"Well, your voice does sound nice." Nozomi admitted. "But what has that got to do with my excellent fashion taste?"

"Well…" Kurenai tried to smile. She really did, at least to repay his compliment about her voice.

"You're about to hear the lecture. Again."

She really really didn't intend for it to come out as a facial expression an AnBu known as Yamato was (in)famous for. _That could have gone better._

"Oh wow, how'd you do that?" All of a sudden, Nozomi was in front of her.

"What?" Kurenai quirked an eyebrow.

"That… that ghoul face!" Nozomi squawked. "It's awesome!"

Kurenai palmed her face. "I… That… That isn't anywhere near awesome."

"But it is!" Nozomi whistled. "It damn near gave Sasuke-chan brown pants the first time we saw it! It was so totally worth dying every AnBu pants brown, and sewing toilet paper to each and every one of them!"

"Brown –what?" Kurenai grimaced. "I so did not want to know that."

* * *

Perched on his chair, Sasuke felt distinctively uncomfortable, both mentally and physically, unnaturally stressed as he perused the book he just bought from the bookshop, said bookshop's owner believing his excuse of a "porn-run" for his sensei. _Please don't let Sakura discover this, ye gods above.  
_

While adjusting his suddenly tight pants, Sasuke felt his nose twitch, and he promptly sneezed.

_Bad choice of action._

Scrambling up from his desk, he attempted to make his way to grab the rag in the toilet, but tripped over his old clothes and ended up planting himself face first into the waxed wooden floor of his apartment, if his bed hadn't been in the way and he ended up hitting the wooden frame, the thin blanket doing hardly anything to impede or damp his fall.

"GOD DAMN IT!"

* * *

"Was that Uchiha Sasuke?" The housewives tittered.

"That was the Uchiha scion, yes." The cleaning lady harrumphed. "And if you lot don't have any business for me, stop occupying my shop's space."

"What did he give you to wash?" The chatter grew even louder when the question was asked.

"His blankets."

The amount of curious housewives achieved critical mass, and worriedly, the cleaning lady surrendered said article before anything in her shop was damaged.

There was a collective "Ooooh." as the Glorious Bedding Used to Keep Warm the Body of The Great One was unfolded with great care.

An even louder "Oooooooooooooooh" emerged as every molecule of the Glorious Bedding Used to Keep Warm the Body of The Great One was examined.

"There's a blood stain!" One housewife gasped.

"Who'd the Uchiha fuc- procreate with?" The other asked. "Is it my daughter?"

"In a million years – go look in a mirror, whore!" "Why don't _you _go look in a mirror, you undulating chimpanzee?" "Shut up, you Cro-Magnon!" "What do you want, you cachinnating cockatoo?" "That's it, you lubberscum!" "It's my daughter's, you tribe of Polynesians." "Certainly not your daughter's – given her character half the village had ridden her already." "How dare you, you troglodyte!" "What're you going to do about it, huh, Pachyrizus?"

"Please don't wreck my shop." The owner groaned.

"There's something sticky with it as well!" Much gasps was had, all in the Honour of the Great and Glorious One, and the collective attempted to grab the Glorious Bedding Used to Keep Warm the Body of The Great One and claim it as their own, decorum be damned.

"WHAT?" "GIVE IT OVER!" "IT'S MINE!" "NO IT'S MINE, YOU PROTONATING POSITRON!" "BUGGER OFF, YOU WHORE! YOUR DAUGHTER'S BARELY LEGAL!" "OH YEAH, YOU HAVE A SON, BITCH!" "SO WHAT, YOU TERRAPIN!" "Shut up, you macrocephalic baboon!" "The gall–""Get lost, you bunch of Moujiks!"

The cleaning lady groaned. Signalling to her assistant, she sent the lad off to get the AnBu. Hergé always took care of the housewives when they got too rowdy.

* * *

"Tsunade-sama?" Shizune knocked on the door cautiously. "Are you awake?"

"Like I could sleep with this crap to deal with." Tsunade scowled. "What is it that you want, Shizune?"

"Well, there are a couple of representatives from Tsuchi's court here to see you, Tsunade- sama." Shizune replied. "They're in the visitor's lounge currently."

"…I guess this can wait." Tsunade sighed, pushing the paper work to the side. "Send them in after five minutes."

Pausing slightly, Tsunade-clone smirked. "I think the real me's back at the manor asleep, so you might want to wake her first."

* * *

"What have you got to say for yourself now, Kiba?" Anko leered at the Inuzuka heir.

"Nothing much." Kiba twitched. "And besides, you're asking the wrong Kiba." Said Inuzuka exploded into a burst of smoke and Akamaru burst out from the smoke, landing on the ground opposite the snake.

"I'd think it's pretty obvious isn't it, Kiba-kun…?" Kiba froze when he felt the coolness of a kunai nick the back of his neck. "Perhaps you could actually study ventriloquy and actually use that Genjutsu I taught you a few weeks ago to disguise Akamaru's distinctive dog-like pupils?"

"…They're different from a human's?" Kiba scratched his head.

"Very." Anko smirked. "Especially when you know where to look."

"Where?" Kiba smirked. Anko's eyes darted and scanned the ground.

"Pretty good, Kiba." Anko smiled in praise. "Double _Henge_? You impressed me… for a Genin."

Said Anko promptly wrapped herself around the human crouching on the ground attempting to take a dog's stance, throwing off her human skin to reveal yet another snake.

"Oh gods, not again." Kiba groaned.

* * *

Shino hissed as his current state of action triggered his sore muscles. He agreed with his current sensei's argument that even though his bugs were his main techniques, he needed physical conditioning so as to have something else to fall back on, and to supplement his bug techniques, but his body disagreed with the training. Violently.

"In case you're blinder than a bat and stupider than a frog, take a left, NOW!" Following the hissed insult/instruction from the snake perched on his head, he narrowly avoided crashing into a wall.

* * *

"Right." Anko nodded. "I don't really know what to do with you – I've helped you refine your Kata, but the rest is up to you. What do you want to know more about?"

"Anno… Perhaps Eiseijutsu?" Hinata bit her lips.

"Medical Ninjutsu eh? Hmm, I don't know anything much about eiseijutsu besides the basic few eiseijutsu that don't demand much control, and I doubt Hokage-sama's free enough to teach you anything about it…" Cupping her chin, Mitarashi Anko suddenly grinned.

"Well, there is the library, and as for practise, I'm pretty sure your team will have more than enough wounds for you to practise on."

Hinata couldn't decide if her choice was remotely smart. Given her instructor's current state of glee, she wouldn't be mistaken to think so.

* * *

"Brown does go well with grey, Nozomi, but that brown is capable of making any person lose their appetite. So no."

"No?" Nozomi attempted to use Puppy-Eye no Jutsu, but rolled a 3.25 somehow and failed.

"No."

"Aww, man!"

* * *

"Jiraiya-sama…" The lady cooed.

Jiraiya flashed her a megawatt grin.

To an outsider, it would probably be an amazing sight. A buxom, eligible 20-odd brunette cooing to Jiraiya? Sacrilege!

The fact that Jiraiya was obviously sporting quite a prominent hard on and the lady was scantily clad made even more eyebrows rise.

Fact : It'd take a world ending event and even then the lady had to be blind in order to make a move on Jiraiya.

Said lady flashed him a gigawatt grin back. "Jiraiya-sama, if you refuse to stop peeping at us, I'd be forced to take… _drastic_ action." The glint of a kunai, positioned somewhere he found terribly precipitous made him nod his head in a flurry, scampering off in a fear induced adrenaline burst.

* * *

"What is it that you want from me today, Honoured Guests from Tsuchi?" Tsunade snapped. "Last time I checked, you had to make an appointment first."

"Can we just skip the customary banter and go straight to business, Hokage-sama?" The first member of the trio spoke.

"That'd be preferable, yes." Tsunade leaned back on her chain. "So? What is it?"

"Tsuchikage-sama would like to request the agreement and support from Konohagakure no Sato with regards to the elimination of one of the Densetsu no Sannin, Orochimaru." The third spoke. "While Iwagakure no Sato is aware of his current classification as a Konoha Missing Nin, Tsuchikage-sama wishes to ensure that no bad blood is spilt between us if Iwa is successful at eliminating your teammate."

"You forgot the 'former' before teammate." Tsunade groaned. "And tell Oonoki that he needs to start using a diary or hire a secretary – there has been three teams before yours."

"I apologize, Hokage-sama, but orders are orders." The first spoke. "We do not claim to be able to understand what Tsuchikage-sama is thinking."

"Yes yes, now go." Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, do pass on my message to Oonoki, won't you?"

"I will inform Tsuchikage-sama of Hokage-sama's concern." The second replied stiffly, and the three bowed, before exiting.

"Guess Orochimaru's pissing Oonoki off again, eh?" Tsunade smirked, eyes lingering near the window edge.

"He hasn't been near Oonoki's territory for the past five years, if my reports are to be trusted." Jiraya appeared from the shadows, anchored to the walls of the Hokage Tower, his long mane flapping in the wind. "Then again, it's Orochimaru we're talking about."

"…Why are you grabbing your crotch, Jiraiya?" Hefting the familiar paperweight, Tsunade smiled thinly. "You have five seconds to explain, Jiraiya. Five."

"Err... Can I just say that I had a traumatizing experience near the baths?" Jiraiya suggested rather brightly.

His only reply was a paperweight to the face.

* * *

"I – what – I…"

Kurenai cradled her face in her palms.

"Pink, especially such an obnoxious shade of pink, does not go well with green. While I want to congratulate you for not choosing neon green, that pink just makes me want to slap you silly. For the last time, Nozomi, don't be an idiot."

* * *

Edit (30 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

Chapter 15 -_ It was then the skies split open and ethereal stairs descended, and a androgynous figure gracefully and elegantly appeared from the steps._

* * *

Namikaze Naruto strode through the bustling Kohona street sedately. Ahead of him, awestruck citizens threw themselves in front of his Golden Path. Plodding along incessantly behind him his posse followed, with a select few moving about to collect the donations and gifts the populace showered upon him, with Uchiha Madara being dragged slowly in chains behind the entourage. His slow gait brought him towards his home, located in the occident of Narutogakure no Sato in Naruto no Kuni, formerly Konohagakure no Sato and Hi no Kuni respectively. Uchiha Sasuke and Itachi, acting as the proper butlers they were, efficiently opened the manor doors and allowed his entourage to pass, before evicting any overzealous civilian.

A lion's share of his youth was consumed by being in the leadership of the whole village and nation, as the Shodai Narutokage and the Daimyo of Naruto no Kuni. Rumours had developed that the other Daimyos were considering surrender, and allowing their territories to be annexed. Golden gilded statues of him littered the parks of all countries - it was after all an inevitable event and the wise never bothered delaying the inevitable.

He was currently consumed in the outdoor pool wherein princesses and heiress apparent of clans and nations worldwide made merry in the pool, clad in scandalously skimpy outfits. When his presence was made known, they stopped in play and moved to welcome him, with a few new additions requesting and receiving permission to join his posse.

It was then the skies split open and ethereal stairs descended, and a androgynous figure gracefully and elegantly appeared from the steps.

"The heavens has rumbled with your glory, o young one. I come with the offer of the thrones in the heavens." Kami spoke slowly. "And I too, request the permission to join your legion."

At this time Namikaze Minato, the Yondaime (who the Shinigami had surrendered immediately from his clutches upon viewing Baby Naruto's visage) was immersed in fear, at which point he commanded his scion to transfer his residence from their current dwelling to that of his aunt and uncle in Belairogakure no Sato, in California no Kuni.

Naruto proceeded to hail a frog, and upon its arrival he made out a tattoo on the frog's back that read "FRESH" and was intrigued by a pair of dice hanging from the frog's nose. If nothing else, a justifiable claim could be made that this particular frog was atypical; however he came to the conclusion that recollecting this occasion in the future would prove to be a fruitless endeavour, and as such, he chose to implore the frog to transport him to his destination of Belairogakure no Sato instead of attempting to implant the current sight in his memory. Consuming the juices obtained by the squeezing of the fruit of a Citrus sinensis from a piece of glass stem ware commonly reserved for the sipping of sparkling wine originating from Champagnegakure no Sato of France no Kuni, he paused to wonder if this is indeed how the residents of the admittedly lower-class neighbourhood located at the previously mentioned location commonly live. Indeed, he found this situation may be rather to his enjoyment. After approximately the seventh or eighth hour of the odyssey, he disembarked and proceeded to inform the frog that he would inevitably become acquainted with his odor at a later point in time through his sense of olfaction.

At this juncture, he beheld his new abode and came to grips with the fact that his mission to become the heir apparent in Belairogakure no Sato, California no Kuni, had been consummated.

* * *

A/N : Real fic starts here, check bottom as to why I've Bel Aired thee.

* * *

Week 9, Day 1

* * *

"So..." Tsunade tapped at her table impatiently.

Tonton wriggled in Shizune's arms, having a look of what appeared to be amusement on the pudgy face. Shizune herself was attempting to repress a smile, but Tsunade, having travelled with her for years, didn't need the visual aid to know how amused her apprentice was feeling.

"So..." Tsunade repeated herself.

The incessant periodic ticking of the clock persisted till the point where the Godaime Hokage was sufficiently irritated to flick the trusty paperweight, easily penetrating the wooden vernier and emerging on the other side of the wall, delivering a severe shock to the AnBu stationed in the lobby, who promptly sent a kunai at the hurtling item on reflex. The twirling kunai deflecting the brutal projectile just sufficiently off it's path and towards the ceiling, where it ricocheted off and clonked him on the head, knocking him out for the count.

* * *

"Look smart, Nozomi."

Nozomi struggled not to move as Kurenai adjusted her decidedly uncomfortable clothing. "Hmm... Don't you think this outfit's a tad too ostentatious, Kurenai-sensei?"

"What was I thinking, you're usually so discreet." Kurenai smirked.

"Can we at least use some orange in it?" Nozomi whined.

"Yes, that should help you keep a low profile." Kurenai rolled her eyes.

* * *

"What in the world..." The leaves rustled briefly, as a distinguished looking figure emerged from the bushes. "Really..."

Noticing the streak of blood on his sandals, he scowled, and searched for a stream or a puddle. "At least that whore was useful for something, the Tsuchi people _are_ planning something..."

"Not that it would amount to much though, but I guess Daimyo-sama had pause for sending me here." A quick flick of the wrist ended the life of an overly snoopy Kumo Chuunin. "And there goes the hero."

Striding over gracefully the Head of Intelligence quickly sealed the Chuunin's body for disposal and stepped rapidly out of the area.

* * *

Sasuke glared blearily at his Jounin instructor. That infernal man had arrived at his door, knocked _nicely_, before proceeding to enter through the window.

At that point he had been too occupied with hiding his orange book to notice his window being opened. While luckily he had managed to secure the book in time, his body's natural reaction to the scenes described in said book remained. The prominent tent in his pants was particularly interesting to his sensei, it seemed.

Then again it was an Uchiha specimen - the Hatake was probably envious.

The other possible connotation was worrying. He was straight, damned it! Even if he showed no interest towards girls his age, he had a reason to. Most of them were simply weak, squealing rabid fan girls (the best out of all of them didn't even make it to the third stage of the Chuunin exam, and if Sakura was anything to go by, they barely scraped there. That Ten Ten girl wasn't that bad, but her hobbies left much to be desired.) and hardly fitting choices for matriarchs for the future Uchiha clan. The fact that he couldn't stand being in their presence was merely the icing on the cake.

By that point Kakashi had taken to placing a copy of Icha Icha in his hands and giving him a wink. It was tempting to test to see if his addiction was at a sufficiently deep level but deep down Sasuke knew he couldn't do it. _Shit._

"Sort it out before we meet Hokage-sama, Sasuke-kun, or..." At that point Sasuke felt a ever increasing sense of _SUCK_ crawl at the depths of his heart. "Is it the fact that doing it yourself would be a waste?"

"Sadly, I must inform you that I'm perfectly straight and I'd imagine that Hokage-sama isn't too predisposed to settle the urges of some prepubescent boy." Kakashi smirked. "I guess that's why you always rebuff the other girls, I didn't know you went for... mature women, but don't you think Hokage-sama is a liiiiittle too old for you? I'm pretty sure she has already experienced menopause, which won't aid you in your clan rebuilding. Hell, Sasuke, she's old enough to be your grandmother! She would make for an excellent matriarch though..."

"Fuck you, Kakashi-sensei." If looks could kill, even the Shinigami would have died.

"For the second time today Sasuke, I'm straight. I don't bat for the other team. Although I imagine Sakura would be more than willing to help..."

* * *

"So..." Anko tapped her chin.

Kiba nervously peered around the surroundings. The team had met with their current sensei for approximately half an hour already and there was no snake attack yet. The last time that happened, it had been a prelude to a training session so intense that he had to crawl back to the Inuzuka Clan compound. Hinata at least had her Branch family to help her home, and the lucky bastard of an Aburame had his father nearby collecting samples.

This time... Kiba harboured no illusions.

"Do you guys remember what day is it today?" Anko smirked.

"It is the first day of the ninth week you took over our training, Anko-sensei." Shino intoned. "Precisely speaking, today is the sixth of..."

"Hm, surprising that one of you can actually remember details that well." Anko interrupted. "Well, if you know how long I've been teaching you you should be able to guess what occur later today, yes?"

"No." Kiba instinctively shifted backwards. "."

"What's wrong, Kiba-kun?" Hinata moved to stop the Inuzuka heir from tripping.

"She's got to have some sort of sadistic two month milestone test lined up!" Kiba accused. "I mean, it's her!"

"Why thank you Kiba-kun..." Kiba paled as a snake slithered about his neck. "I didn't think you thought so highly of me."

Releasing the Inuzuka heir, she beckoned for the team to follow her. "But no, I don't have a two month milestone test. I am surprised no one noticed yet, but that's the reason why you guys are still Genin."

"...Precisely why are we headed to the Hokage's tower?" Kiba voiced out.

"You'll find out later."

* * *

"Asuma-sensei, what are we doing now?" Yamanaka Ino groused. Her toiletries had been running low and they were clearly nowhere near Konoha.

"Hm?" Asuma groaned. "We're headed towards Konoha, what else?"

"But this looks nowhere like Konoha!"

"That's because we aren't there yet."

"...Are we there yet?" Chouji asked.

"Obviously, no."

* * *

"Get. Out." Kurenai hissed.

"But... But I..." Clutching at the edge of the door way, Nozomi absolutely refused to budge.

"OUT!"

"But..."

"This isn't the first time you went out in your Oiroke form, damn it!" Kurenai ground out. "We're about to be late, and we know how well Hokage-sama likes tardy people."

"But this is the first time I'm wearing something like this!" Nozomi snarled. "THIS!"

"What's wrong with the formal gown?" Kurenai hissed. "I _ordered _that personally, and you had no issue putting it on!"

"I know! But I can't walk out like this!" Nozomi wailed.

Clutching her head in her hands, Kurenai pulled out her trump card. "Do you want me to ask Hokage-sama to drag you there myself?"

Nozomi paled.

* * *

Sakura strolled quickly through the Konoha market place, a bag in a hand and the other twirled a kunai lazily.

"Kakashi-sensei!" She gave him a quick wave with her free hand.

Said Jounin started making his way over, with a clearly grumpy Uchiha Sasuke in tow. "Sasuke-kun!"

Said Uchiha promptly furrowed his brows.

"Hey Sakura." Kakashi greeted cheerily. "What're you doing?"

"Picking up some necessities for the trip to Tsuchi." Sakura smiled. "And some female necessities, of course."

"Trip to Tsuchi?" Sasuke scowled. "It's this week?"

"Actually Sasuke-kun, it's today." Kakashi smirked. "Come Sakura, we should be meeting Hokage-sama right about now."

"You..." At this point Sasuke and Sakura had taken to taking a kunai out. "IMPOSTER!"

"What?" Kakashi groaned.

"Kakashi is never early." Sasuke spat out.

"Hey..."

"Sensei is forever two hours late for anything." Sakura agreed, ignoring her protesting instructor.

"Hey..."

"He caused me to be late for my _Chuunin EXAM._" Sasuke glared.

"But..."

"He was even late to the invasion." Sakura quipped bitingly.

"I never..."

"Given how tardy he is, the only reason why he has survived for so long is because he has always been late to his death." Sasuke was about to persist when Kakashi started waving about a orange book. _Fuck._

"Keep your porn, Kakashi-sensei." Sakura chided, missing the knowing smirk Kakashi sent Sasuke.

"In case you guys forgot, I was on time these past few weeks (and back as a S-Rank, finally!) so..." Kakashi grinned. "Take that."

* * *

"Are we there yet?" Ino taunted.

"For the last time Ino, no!" Asuma scowled.

* * *

"I thought we are off missions for the day?" Hinata asked.

"You guys are." Anko nodded. "That's correct."

"If we are, then why..." Shino paused. "Ah."

"Ah." Anko nodded. "Ah indeed."

"Ah?" Kiba scowled. "What the hell is wrong with you guys?"

"This has relation to the mission that rendered Kurenai-sensei unable to continue teaching us for the past two months, has it not?" Shino found a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"_Ah._" Kiba smirked.

At that moment Akamaru whined as the figure of Hyuuga Hinata toppled over him, blood dripping out of her nose, and a silly smile on her face.

"That's a girl after my own heart, let me tell you." Anko grinned. "Oh, the potential!"

* * *

"So you thought it unnecessary to remind us, sensei?" Sasuke scowled.

"Maa... I'd thought a shinobi would have been more prepared and alert, like Sakura here." Kakashi shrugged. "You'd have the rest of the day to pack, so it's not that bad."

"Not that bad?" Sasuke glared. _I still haven't finished my Por(n)ject : Icha Icha yet, damn it, and that project would allow me to win Itachi._

"Not that bad." Kakashi nodded. "I haven't packed, myself, and I doubt Sakura has yet."

"Actually I have." Sakura smiled. "Well... Do you need me to help you pack, Sasuke-kun?"

Kakashi smirked as the Uchiha scion attempted to weasel his way out of the unwanted help. "Why, Sasuke, when a lady offers to help its ungentlemanly to refuse."

"Fuck you, sensei."

"Third time today Sasuke, I'm straight." Kakashi sighed. "Is the concept of heterosexual people so hard to comprehend? Do you need a ninja councillor?"

"Fu-"

"Just ask if you need one Sasuke, pride is a value sacrifice if it stops you from being confused about your sexual preference. I know a few who'd be willing to help." If glares could kill, even Uchiha Madara would have keeled over and died.

* * *

Nozomi stepped behind Kurenai nervously. "Why are they looking at me like that?"

Kurenai smirked. "Well it's your fault."

"How so?" Nozomi clutched at Kurenai's sleeves.

"Well if one thing you should already know, most men are perverts. When pretty woman appears in their field of vision, you'd realise that most if not all men will stop and watch."

"I ought to feel enraged, but somehow I can only agree." Nozomi pouted.

"You know it to be true." Kurenai chuckled. "How is the packing going along?"

"Since the clones haven't dismissed themselves yet, I'm guessing it's still in progress."

"Well you'd leave in the evening so there's still quite some time to pack." Kurenai shrugged. "Well on that topic - is that Kakashi?"

"I think that is." Nozomi nodded. Only one Jounin wore their hitai ate that way and would be willing to wave about a orange pornographic book around. "Can we take another way?"

* * *

"So..." Tsunade growled irritably.

Three quarters of Team 8 and Mitarashi Anko shivered in a corner as the Slug Sannin released copious amounts of ki. Coupled with the cracks on the table under where her fingers was tapping, no one could blame them for attempting to cower. Shizune just stood there with a bemused expression on her face, while Ton Ton napped in her arms.

"What do they think the stated time is for?" Tsunade twitched.

At that point Kakashi and the rest of Team 7 entered the room, and the temperature plunged.

"...What time do you think it is, Kakashi?" Tsunade snapped.

Sharing a bewildered look with his team, Kakashi groaned. "...I knew I shouldn't have been punctual."

"PUNCTUAL?" Tsunade roared. "YOU'RE THREE GOD DAMNED HOURS LATE -"

"...But I'm pretty sure we're on time...?" Kakashi squeaked.

"Look at the clock, Kakashi, and tell me if that's what you call on time!"

"The clock - eh?" Kakashi frowned.

Shizune burst into laughter. "Tsunade-sama, Kakashi-san is indeed on time, and dare I say it, _early_."

A quick "Huh?", a glance at the position of the sun outside, the fluttering of half remembered memories involving sake, the clock and a couple of Kage Bushins, and Tsunade found herself utilizing quite a bit of her hard fought and finely honed chakra control to suppress the blush threatening to emerge on her face.

"Well err..." Tsunade groused. "Never mind that. Hormones. Or something"

A quick knock on the door provided a much wanted divergence of topics and stares from the stunned occupants. "Come in!"

The doors swung open, and all the occupants saw was a quick flash rapidly careening through the room and stopping at the back of the Hokage's large chair. Meanwhile Yuuhi Kurenai strolled into the room, wearing a set of atypical clothing, at least for those who knew the Genjutsu mistress. Instead of what she usually wore, or what Kiba had deemed the "bandage dress" - never mind what Anko had to say about the first "a" in bandage actually being an "o" - the Jounin had on a relatively simple (or knowing her, deceptively simple) dress that came up near her knees, with a burgundy belt that had a few streamlined pouches attached at the back. It wasn't the clothing style that was atypical - Team 8 had seen her dressed in a similar fashion on their off days - but the colour, a bright, blindingly orange motif on a crimson red dress stood out. A lot.

Noticing their stares, Kurenai shrugged. "It's the only way I could get her out of the apartment."

Eyes swivelled to the back of the Hokage's chair, where Tsunade was attempting to wrest control of the chair from the figure cowering behind it without destroying the chair. "I LIKE THAT CHAIR!" Tsunade roared. "LET GO!"

"Not until you chase them out!" A decidedly feminine voice raged.

"You've been in that form for weeks, damn it, and it's not like its your first time out in that form!" Tsunade scowled. "And let go of my chair!"

"I respectfully refuse!" The voice roared indignantly. "It is within my rights to refuse being shown in this embarrassingly -"

"Oh this is ridiculous." Tsunade growled, and in a display of strength yanked the chair upwards.

"Tsunade-sama!" Kurenai scowled. "I spent an hour getting her in that!"

"Oh don't worry, the clothes should hold." Tsunade waved her hands nonchalantly.

"Nozomi?" Kurenai hissed. "Get. Down."

"No!" A muffled voice emerged from the back of the chair.

Tsunade suddenly gained a particularly vicious glint in her eyes, and she slowly rotated the chair around.

"Baa-chan, don't do this!" The emerging figure squawked. "PLEASE?"

"Hmm... How about no." Tsunade grinned. "That's for calling me baa-chan, Naruto."

"That's not fa - fine." The figure let go of the chair and dropped on her feet gracefully.

_That's not Naruto._ Was Kiba's/Shino's/Sakura's/Sasuke's/Anko's first thought. _Naruto is not graceful. Nor is he a hot **hot **chick.  
_

_So... black, eh?_ With a thought that was purely Kakashi, the Hatake sported a lopsided grin as he watched the proceedings. _Bit too mature for him, but all the better for it._

There was a rather silent squeal before Hyuuga Hinata fainted, Byakugan activated, blood freely flowing down her nose and a grin that Jiraiya would have been proud off displayed on her face.

Uzumaki Naruto - or in this case Nahito Nozomi - was dressed in what could only be described as an elegant dress, with clean, sweeping lines that begun and ended almost arbitrarily but had a clear order to it. Primarily two toned - white and red - with specks of orange tastefully hewn in, with what appeared to be a abstract phoenix like motif covering the ends of the dress. It reached as far as knee height, but alluring slits here and there made it appear much more sensual than it actually was. All in all, a decidedly non-Naruto type of clothing. Add that to the fact that the woman/girl had navy eyes and bistre shaded hair held up loftily with a few ornamental hair sticks with a few strands of clumped hair tastefully hanging loose, it was almost like a favoured courtesan in the Daimyo's court than the loud, _loud, **LOUD**_, eye blinding and swaggering Uzumaki Naruto.

Graceful, elegant yet efficient actions coupled with what apparently was high class upbringing was probably as far away as one could locate Uzumaki Naruto, being located at the opposite ends of the spectrum.

It certainly shocked Kakashi when Sasuke was the first person to break the silence. "I'd tap that."

Kakashi swivelled to look at the Uchiha scion. Apparently he was the only one to hear that half whispered proclamation of physical attraction from the raven haired avenger.

"...What was that, Sasuke?" Kakashi chimed. "Some sort of gender preference issue I should be aware of?"

"...What?" Sasuke, visibly flustered, stammered out. "I said nothing."

"I'm pretty sure I heard a confession of physical towards Naruto coming from your lips." Kakashi smirked, as he noticed that the room's attention had gravitated to him. "In your, ah, words, wasn't it 'I'd tap that.' that you said, Sasuke?"

"N... Nonsense!" Sasuke roared. He'd have been more convincing if it wasn't for the blush that was threatening to render his face Sharingan red.

Sakura processed the thought of her two team-mates involved in the act of copulation and as blood leaked from her nose all she could mutter out was "Sasuke... Naruto..."

"Oh great, apparently she's also a yaoi fangirl." Kakashi palmed his face. "Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse."

"Good job on Naruto, Kurenai." Tsunade smiled, impressed. "If I didn't knew, I'd have said that she came from a noble family. Anything that can give that Uchiha a boner has to pass."

Kurenai smiled serenely.

"...And that's why I _ROCK!_" Nozomi cheered, and in the process, shattered the illusion of a well bred young lady, as well as shocking the stunned audience back into reality.

"Oh. Right." Tsunade groaned. "Naruto."

"What the hell is this?" Kiba yelled. "When did Naruto go for a sexual rearrangement surgery?"

"...And when was Kurenai-sensei a doctor or surgeon?" He added, and Shino merely smirked in the way Aburame's did, namely a twitch at the corner of the mouth.

"If my hypothesis is true, Kurenai-sensei has spent the last two months teaching Uzumaki-san how to essentially, live as a lady, as per the Daimyo's requirements." Shino intoned. "Though I am unaware as to the specifics and the reasoning behind such an... odd assignment."

"The reasoning and the specifics are classified." Tsunade winked. "I can neither confirm or deny if Uzumaki Naruto and Yuuhi Kurenai has been assigned a mission to Tsuchi, where Uzumaki Naruto has to dress like a lady."

"I see." Shino muttered, and was silent once again.

"Well I think that you all have seen the fruits of Kurenai's labour, and all it needs to be an amazing success is for Naruto to shut up and speak like a lady. I'd say he passes pretty well, eh?" Tsunade nodded. "Well, go pack if you must, time's ticking. Team 8 can be dismissed as well."

"Meet up at the North Gate at 16 00 hours." Kakashi smiled. "Ja." And he disappeared.

"Translation : Meet me at the North Gate at 18 00 hours." Nozomi snorted.

"He meant the time he stated, Naruto." Sakura spoke, using the wall as a support as she stood up, surreptitiously wiping the blood from her nose. "He has been punctual these few weeks."

"Hokage-sama, so I'd be taking my team back...?" Kurenai asked.

"Oh no, you'd be accompanying Team 7 for the mission, you guys should be back by the week." Tsunade smiled apologetically. "I don't trust Naruto to get that dress on well."

"That... is true. Sadly." Kurenai sighed. "So Anko, can you..."

"Sure!" Anko chirped.

"...Are you or are you not Mitarashi Anko?" Kurenai drew a kunai, dropping into an offensive stance.

"What?" Anko scowled.

"Last time I checked, you hated Genin." Kurenai muttered.

"...ihadachangeofheart." Anko blushed slightly.

"What?" The kunai spun lazily around Kurenai's finger.

"I said, I had a chang of heart!" Anko sniffed. "Sheesh, I only said that once and now you peg it to me all my life!"

"If I'm not wrong, wasn't it you who loudly proclaimed 'I remain Tokubetsu for a reason! No stupid stinkin' brat to look after as Tokubetsu! You have! I don't! Anko WIN!' eh?" Kurenai snorted.

"Right right catch ya! Team 8, meet me at the usual place, ja!" Anko burst out of the window, eager to avoid that argument that she had already set herself to lose.

As Team 8 slowly carried out the comatose body of a certain grinning-like-a-loon Hyuuga out of the office, Sakura followed behind them in a daze. Throwing what seemed to be a longing and self-loathing gaze at Nozomi, Sasuke stalked out of the room.

"...Is Sasuke sick?" Nozomi quipped innocently, prompting the remaining occupants to erupt in peals of laughter.

* * *

"Are we there yet?" Team 10 singsonged. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare we there yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet~?"

"NO!" Asuma screamed.

* * *

Whistling a short tune he had picked up from the Sandaime, Nozomi made sure that every thing she needed, she had packed. Clone packed was essentially the same thing as packing by oneself, but she'd be damned if she only discovered something missing while on the road. Next door, Yuuhi Kurenai was furiously packing her items, a Kage Bushin efficiently folding the clothes while preparing the stacks to be sealed in scrolls.

"Toiletries, undergarments, clothings..." Going through a mental checklist, Yuuhi Kurenai dug frantically through her wardrobe.

* * *

"Right." Sasuke grunted. Laid out in front of him was seven sets of identical clothings, and he slowly begun the process of folding them, taking much care to ignore the squeals coming from his bathroom. _I'll get you for this, Kakashi!_

* * *

Kakashi whistled as he dumped his clothes in a pile, along with his assorted toiletries and a collection of Icha Icha. "I never did get to thank Minato-sensei for teaching me Fuuinjutsu, eh?" He smiled sardonically, scratching at his mask. "Right, like I don't spend enough time in front of the memorial stone already."

* * *

"Are weeeeeeeeee - " Team 10 chorused. " - there yeeeeeeeeeeet?"

"..."

Asuma maintained a firm grip on his trench knives. _They are your genin team, and Konoha doesn't appreciate Jounin senseis killing their teams, no matter how annoying they may be. Do not kill them, do not kill them, do not kill them..._

* * *

"So Tsuchi is about a day away?" Nozomi scratched her head. "That's err, unbelievable?"

"We're assuming Chuunin level of speed here, Nozomi." Kurenai smiled. "Even at a civilian's pace you guys did make it to Wave in a week, but Tsuchi is quite near the border and the distance isn't that far, a day is more than possible."

"But a day... Is the world really that small, Kurenai-sensei?" Nozomi tapped her fingers in amazement.

"It's not that the world is small, it's simply because we're ninja." Kurenai flattened the map.

"A normal person would have spent weeks getting from the Capital to Konoha. How long did your team take?" Kurenai traced the route on the map. "Barely a day, no?"

"Y... Yeah." Nozomi nodded.

"And notice how the distance to Tsuchi is about four thirds the length?" Kurenai smirked. She had always been strong at geography. "So it'd take about a day."

"That's amazing."

"We are."

"Still doesn't explain why that place is a good place for a capital, though."

* * *

"You're on time." Kurenai dropped her baggage as she noticed the Kopi Nin. Her jaw made an attempt to get on intimate terms with the floor as the small bag impacted the road.

Kakashi scowled. They really liked harping on that way too much. "Not for the first time."

"Still, its amazing." Nozomi stared. "Kakashi-sensei, actually being on time?"

Resisting the urge to take out some stress with the Raikiri, Kakashi chose to divert the topic. "Sasuke and Sakura are late."

"Where'd they go, anyway?" Nozomi fingered the scroll that held her possessions - it had been child's play to cajole it out of Jiraiya. "It's not like Sakura-chan to be late, much less Sasuke. Then again he was late for the Chuunin exam, but that was probably due to Kakashi-sensei."

There was a minute crack as Kakashi broke the kunai he had been playing with. "Sakura went over to Sasuke's apartment to pack, but since they're late, and given Sasuke-kun's state of arousal due to your appearance they're probably going at it like bunnies."

_Bad form, Kakashi, twisting a kunai in your student's weak point by suggesting things about his crush is bad form._

"Huh, he finally grew a pair?" Nozomi snorted. "No way, no way... That'd happen when, say, Itachi confesses that the entire Uchiha massacre was a April Fool's joke gone wrong."

_Clearly a more complex phenomenon than I initially assumed. Requires further study - has Naruto actually moved on? _That thought evoked the imagery of a leek and something called cyberspace, but used to the antics of his rather overactive mind Kakashi brushed it aside with practised ease.

"So you're wearing that for the journey, eh?" Kakashi commented. "Are you sure you want to wear heels while on the move?"

"Helps build chakra control. Besides..." Nozomi winced. "I'm far too used in heels and feel uncomfortable in sandals."

"While that red yukata looks rather fetching on you, it might get caught by the scenery." Kakashi offered. "Strap it down?"

"This is a combat yukata, Kakashi-sensei." Nozomi rolled her eyes. "It won't get caught."

"...What the hell is a combat yukata?" Kakashi scratched his head. "Never heard of it."

"This yukata is made of chakra enforced fibre and made to a high degree of tolerance - it fits the wearer almost like a glove." Nozomi shrugged.

"Hmm, watch out for your ass though, Sasuke's apparently quite interested in it." Kakashi eye-smiled. "Besides, don't you think black's a little too mature for you?"

"...!" Nozomi and Kurenai snarled. "PERVERT!"

* * *

"Are we late?" Sakura panted, as she adjusted her clothes while Sasuke sulked in a corner.

"_Twenty_ minutes late." Nozomi snapped. "Honestly, even Kakashi-sensei, pervert as he is, was earlier and more punctual - "

"So you two..." Kakashi's eyebrow rose, interrupting Nozomi mid tirade. "Y'know... Did _it_?"

"No!" Sasuke denied vehemently. "She _stole_ my underwear. I had to get it back."

"Sakura." Kakashi was suddenly silent. His hands shot out to grab the pink haired genin by the shoulders, and he was suddenly all smiles and rainbows again. "I didn't know you had it in you!"

"Can we leave?" Kurenai hissed. "**_NOW?_**"

"I guess we can." Kakashi turned around. "Come on, we've got quite the distance to cover!"

"Are you going to travel in that form, Naruto?" Sakura asked in concern. "It's quite top heavy." Perhaps with a tinge of envy as well.

"Really?" Nozomi peered downwards. "They're smaller than my original already. Beside's, in any case Kurenai-sensei's larger."

A rapid smack, a glare and a hidden fist from the slightly flushing Genjutsu Mistress ensured that Nozomi remained silent about the topic.

_Hmm... They're growing up so fast. _Kakashi wiped away a mock-tear. _Minato-sensei, if only you could see your son now... He has really grown up... Chasing after such a hot, mature lady, no less._

"For the duration of the mission, I'd be known as Nahito Nozomi, so yeah, for the week you guys should call me Nozomi instead."

"Na - Nozomi?" Kakashi smiled.

"What?"

"Ten man points for what you said just now."

* * *

In other news : Reading a rant written by someone with clearly lacking abilities in grammar, spelling, what appears to be word confusion and punctuation about poor english standard on ff dot net is amusing and surprisingly cathartic after having so many exams, especially when chickens get invoked.

As for the Bel Air... Thank the comedian below. ;)

* * *

GODHAND Gene

"Your fic sucks, that is all I got to say!

(If that's all you've got to say... Then what's the following for?)

Therefore, I DESPISED fics where Naruto doesn't get any respect around Konoha! Especially having no signs of character development and lack of common sense! I do not see nothing funny about this fic! Therefore, I am extremely displeased and it's not good for my tastes in fanfics!

(Sorry, I'm not sure if you happen to be visually impaired and god knows what other ailments, but this is a humour story. What the hell? Respect around Konoha? What? He hasn't even interacted with any one other than the ninjas, and it's pretty hard to respect someone who seems to have made it his life mission to be a laughing stock at that point in the manga - winning battles via farts and all. Much less about how respect is not unilateral and we all know how much respect Uzumaki Naruto gives other people, besides calling people old in their faces. And in case you didn't notice, I think I've made fun of almost every Naruto character in this story. Then again you hate canon Naruto, which raises the question as to why you even like to read Naruto fanfics.)

Meaning, it's a EPIC FAIL for turning into a Kishi-baka!

(Thanks for the praise, being Kishimoto means that I actually have a successful career. Not that I have a career yet, still a mere student. If I had his level of success as a student, I wouldn't be here.)

One more thing, if Naruto's heritage revealed in Konoha, then EVERYBODY should respect him! Besides, if ANYONE in Naruto's place, they SHOULD think really, really hard on how to make the blond's life a whole lot better! Think about it!

(This happens in real life? Do you even_ do_ it in real life? Not think about it, but actually _do_. Physical action. Not just a mere exercise in self inflationary evaluation. Because clearly, the analysis of an armchair idiot is one to be taken seriously.)

I'm so out of here and I . WON'T. READ. THIS. SHIT!"

(Good riddance, go find Angra, Olivia, Azel or something instead of being a waste of bandwidth.)

(A quick google yielded amusing results. I'd guess that if you read something like Cold Metal's unpublished ancestor you'd be creaming your pants, because I notice that you post glowing reviews in stories where Naruto is the Big, Bad, "mature, smart, strong, cool, well loved, etc."... Basically, you want a circular jerkwank fic. I had a couple of them typed up but tossed them because it is absolutely MIND NUMBINGLY _boring_ when a win is guaranteed by default. Clearly, realism isn't for you.)

* * *

A/N : Trolling _is_ fun. Not really accurate but meh. Idealism is a amusing phenomenon to observe.

Next time people, if you want to flame, flame with standard, or I'll just make fun of you.

I will admit to being mortified that no one caught me on the Tin Tin reference last chapter, see if you can catch a reference to another series in this chapter.

Hint : The lines come from a film released in 2008.

Edit : There's actually another reference to a certain someone's twitter message, think it's pretty obvious. Cleaned up the accidental double paste.

* * *

Edit (30 October 2011) : Clean up and slight rewording.


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

No excuses, only sincere apologies.

* * *

Chapter 16 - _Woody woody woody wooooooooooooooooody~_

* * *

The lush greenery swept by in a blur as the group sped through the forests that Hi no Kuni was (rightly) famous for. The tree branches oscillated briefly as the ninjas used it as a launching platform to bounce themselves off, scattering the evening dew off the waxy green leaves.

The soft whistling marked the approach of the group, the leaves rustling in the wind formed by their rapid displacement. The evening sun beamed down gently, rays of soft orange light filtered through the canopy of leaves and the cacophony of birds and insects in the background made the scene as though something out of a painting.

Said impression was shattered rapidly as the group approached.

The very fact that Nozomi was in the group meant that impatience was an expected thing, but surprisingly it wasn't the infamous prankster that snapped first, but rather the Uchiha scion.

"I do not see any point in us travelling at such a sedate pace." Sasuke snapped. "This is grossly inefficient and we could have covered more ground if we sped up."

Just briefly behind him Kakashi giggled as his sole eye focused on his orange book, avoiding tree trunks by his peripheral vision, and years of experience. Kurenai sighed.

"Well we would if we could Sasuke, but unfortunately it seems that it's impossible…" Nozomi drawled. "In no part, mostly thanks to you, actually."

"Enlighten me dobe, why so?"

"Well, besides the fact that your unmentionables is in the grasp of Sakura-chan and she's somehow stumbling along, amazingly keeping up while giggling _while_ in a near catatonic state?" Nozomi shrugged. "Nothing."

Sasuke hurried turned his head away from the bistre'd haired girl. That face, what with those full, moist lips and rather bountiful, and subtly exposed chest did unholy things to his libido, which was already heightened beyond normal men's by the sheer terror that was the Icha Icha. He adjusted his suddenly uncomfortable pants. "W- well…"

"Woody woody woody wooooooooooooooooody~" Kakashi sing sung, giggling.

"…of all things…" Kurenai sighed.

* * *

"Alright, let's stop here for the day." Kakashi snapped his book shut. "No point continuing on further since you and Sakura appear about to drop dead. We're near the border already so it'd take only half a day before we reach Tsuchishi."

"Who's… who's dropping dead." Sasuke panted. "I'm not tired!"

"Well, if you aren't you certainly aren't convincing at all, teme." Nozomi smirked.

Sasuke leaned on a tree as he caught his breath, slinging his rather heavy pack down. It was during moments like this where the chakra monster in his team made his dominance known. While he was certainly above average in terms of Chakra capacity even compared to Jounins, in part thanks to his genetic traits and to his rigorous training. While his chakra control could use quite some refinement before it reached Jounin level, it was certainly above and beyond most Chuunins.

Sakura on the other hand, had Chakra control so good, it would make Jounins or even the AnBu blush. She would have made a fine iryounin (not to mention an excellent addition to the team) but she had a chakra capacity Sasuke doubted most Academy students would find it hard to exceed. So far she seemed to have been running off some sort of unholy combination of perversion and obsession, her chakra stores already spent.

Naruto… Naruto could singlehandedly shame entire squads of AnBu even while an Academy student. As much as he hated to admit it, this much was true. Also to be conceded was that Naruto was infinitely more talented at infiltration than the rest of the Academy, and probably most AnBu. Of course, that was coupled with a Chakra control that was probably unparalleled in the entire Elemental Countries… counting from the back. His _epic_ attempts of the basic jutsu was legendary – whoever'd thought of _Kawarimi no Jutsu_ involving trees. Plural. The basic substitution log probably felt depressed as it sat unutilized in the (reasonably) chaotic classroom (it's not every day such things occur, after all) as the instructors attempted to get the freshly uprooted trees out of the narrow door.

Nozomi however, seemed to have drastically improved Chakra control. Not only did she not break a single branch while moving at that rapid pace – even travelling at a more sedate pace Naruto was wont to cracking quite a few branches and sometime tree trunks – but today there were none, but in its place stationary branches that oscillated the bare amount the wind would have caused. It was troubling, frankly.

While extraordinary a feat in itself – most Jounins hardly bother with mastering a seemingly basic skill but as Itachi had demonstrated to him once in great effect, giving the appearance that no shinobi had used the tree as an express way to travel was a very effective disorienting tool that served to erase traces.

And to appear behind your enemy while they were searching for other hints and end their lives.

As much as he hated Itachi he had to admit that man made an impressive shinobi who could and did dominate every tier of ninja he was in until he went rogue, and used those impressive skills to end the lives of those he once protected. The worst thing was, Naruto seemed to be gaining on Itachi far faster than he ever did.

He was broken out of his thoughts by the rapid but soft sounds of a typical ninja camp being set up. The soft tinkling of stainless steel canteens, while covered with a rubber pattern that served to minimize sound from the resonance and to aid grip, still gave out slight sounds when in close proximity. The subtle rustling of sleeping bags being drawn out and placed on sufficiently wide branches, affixed tightly enough to ensure that it would support the shinobi's weight without problem, but not tight enough to restrict movement and impede the time needed to escape out of it.

Sure, the path might have been scouted out previously thanks to a privately motherly Hokage (not that she'd admit it, even with the pain of death) but given their chosen profession being paranoid paid in spades. The difference between a rather irritatingly specific resting ground set up that was randomized every now and then and a lackadaisical one was a thin but vital one.

While he and Sakura attempted to regain their bearings, Kakashi and Kurenai went around setting up the area while Nozomi (who was under orders not to use excessive amounts of Kage Bunshin, for want of alerting any foreign operatives or sensor in the area – Uzumaki of the Kage Bushin was making a name for himself for the sheer quantity he could summon) busied around the small fire along with two Kage Bunshins, while a third went to hunt for spoils.

It was telling that Sakura was the first to recover amongst the two. Especially when she crept towards him, having crashed down a good few arm's length earlier when Kakashi announced that they were stopping.

"Sit down, Sakura." Kakashi spoke, not even looking away from what he was doing. "You are hardly in any condition to walk, much less do work."_ Although I sincerely doubt that work was remotely in your mind given where you were crawling to…_

"But sensei –"

"I realise that you guys have had experienced the Chuunin examinations, but considering the rather rapid pace we were going at earlier, I'm not surprised that you and Sasuke are exhausted." There was a slight pause as he adjusted the perimeter trap. "Rather, I'm surprised you guys lasted this long."

"But Nozomi –"

"– can easily put Kage's to shame with the sheer volume of Chakra she can muster. Even if we only count the effective Chakra given her, well, control." Kakashi shrugged. "End of discussion."

"And why is she travelling in the female form, sensei." Sasuke muttered. "Seems like a rather dumb gesture if anything, showing that Nozomi is ninja trained and of a sufficiently high level to last this long at such a pace."

"I'm surprised you didn't notice Sasuke." Kakashi shrugged. "What with your Sharingan and all. But I guess even geniuses have their off days."

"Notice what in particular?"

"Well, for one, there has been nothing communicated to the hosts about how their guests look like. Daimyo-sama has only informed them to expect a singular female guest. Which of course, given Nozomi's exceptional henge's, means that we have quite some lateral freedom in this matter if we chose to." Kakashi shrugged. "Two, I've been running an interference technique ever since we left. Most people won't see us exactly but a normal border patrol unless they look closer.

"Such a technique exists?" Kurenai paused in her motion.

"There are a lot of things taught especially during war." Kakashi muttered. "And some things that your Hokage forces you to learn."

* * *

"For the last time, you daughters of utter re-" Hanabi groused in front of a cowering group of classmates. Why did it seem to appear to be her classmates mission in life to screw up the unfortunately group project with their sheer and utter imcompetence? And why, did the incapable man her father handed her to seem to make it his goal to make something she absolutely abhorred more and more common? Hell, she was pretty sure her icy attitude more or less signalled to anyone within visible range that group effort was definitely NOT in her lexicon? These sheer unrivalled paragons of retard-ness must have inherited it…

"One strike." Iruka muttered softly, just sufficiently loud to be picked up by the Hyuuga's above average senses.

"-asonably intelligent people, can you please stop trying to do things on your own but discuss your future courses of action with the group first?" Hanabi muttered, teeth clenched.

"But Hanabi-san doesn't seem to want to be involved with this project, and we could do it by our own, so we thought –"

"For the last time you –" _What an utter bunch of crock, you bunch of unwarrantedly self-confident fangirls, I bet your collective IQ doesn't even_ _touch that horrible orange monstrosity my sister more-or-less worships, even as stupid as he is. You probably wanted to finish the project on your own so you can coo to your stupid parents about what a 'bright' little girl you are, dimwits. _

Iruka tapped on his lecturer's podium. Twice.

"– are my teammates, surely I'm not so unreasonable as to reject a request for discussion." Oh, she was so going to get that man after everything was over. She'd have to see if the Jyuuken could be made permanent – some poor sap was going to end up in the hospital with ED if she had her way.

Iruka smiled. If Naruto was there, he'd have accused the gentle man (well, as gentle as a shinobi can be) of smirking. If there was one thing Naruto taught him (besides the skill in infiltration and tracking he had to master trying to track down the Chaos Incarnate) it was that quiet observation yielded a lot of information about a person they may not wish to make known through their normal actions unwittingly. And in the case of young Hyuuga Hanabi, it paid in spades.

Apparently Hanabi had an obsession with roasted ika (squid). While it would be considered unbefitting of the genteel Hyuuga clan, she, like her shier and ultimately more personable sister, had their peculiarities. Admittedly it didn't reach Naruto level of devotedness, her weekly treat of ika her father had grudgingly indulged in as a reward for her aptitude in Hyuuga training was something she absolutely loved.

_Oh, the wonders of blackmail. _If he wasn't in the classroom filled with impressionable children, Iruka would have rubbed his hands in glee and shown an unsuitable expression for a school teacher to the kids.

* * *

Nozomi sneezed, alarming the wild boar she was sneaking up on.

"Oh well…" Easily dodging the clumsy charge of the boar, a quick kunai toss ended the life of tonight's dinner. Pity – she wanted a struggling and kicking boar so that she could observe the sight of _Uchiha_ Sasuke struggling to escape from the raging boar.

* * *

Hinata sneezed.

Her response was a bunch of snakes shooting out of the bushes behind her, while a kunai whipped past the location where her head used to be a mere second ago. Utilizing the Byakugan's abilities, she put down the snake threat without turning behind and immediately jumped up as something burst up from the ground.

"You're improving Hinata-chan!" Anko grinned. "You're much more economical now, and I daresay your efficiency has improved!"

"T… that's because sensei–" Hinata's chakra covered palm rapidly contacted the approaching kunai and diverted it's path towards her current sensei.

"Aa, we're still in the middle of training! No point getting distracted now." If it was possible, Anko's grin deepened.

* * *

"Orochimaru-sama, I bring updates." A nervously shaking man knelt before the man he called lord.

"What is it?" Orochimaru hissed. "Make it short, I'm in the middle of experiment now… unless you'd like to participate?"

"It is about your disciple Mitarashi Anko Orochimaru-sama" The man stammered out. "You requested that all urgent despatches are to be –"

"I know what I request." Orochimaru halted his activities. "So, what are you waiting for?"

"Yes Orochimaru-sama! According to spy Hirako in Konoha, Anko-san is currently teaching a team of Genin students –"

"Students?" Orochimaru quirked an eyebrow.

"That's correct Orochimaru-sama. Hirako states that she's having fun and he suspects –"

"Fun? _Fun?_" Orochimaru barked. "Hirako has been compromised. Anko never loved teaching, much less to those less capable than her. Tsunade has been playing him for a fool! Re-evaluate all agents we have in Konoha, Tsunade or Jiraiya may be on them. But given the apparent humor it bears Tsunade's mark instead."

"Right away Orochimaru-sama. By your leave, your humble servant –"

"Go!" Why is it that the men he used was wont to waxing lyrical? Sure, the flowery language might have been standard court behaviour, but he never saw the point – he much preferred efficiency over the temporary buoyant inflated feeling of superiority such court language inspired. But the idiots never learned. In fact, they got worse after he killed two to set an example…

"Yes Orochimaru-sama!"

* * *

The boar, once roasted and lightly seasoned with whatever herbs they could find in the vicinity, made for a satisfying dinner. This was one of the few concessions Kakashi and Kurenai was agreeable to making, since _by right_, a shinobi operating in the field was _strongly_ discouraged from cooking. Not only did it leave a huge trail of smoke in the sky, acting as a signal almost as bad as Naruto's KILL-ME-NOW orange, it left a clearly unnatural odor of cooking flesh any person with functional olfactory senses could detect, much less enemy ninja. Herbs only made the problem worse since the smell would be even more distinct.

Since they were in friendly territory, and there was a border outpost not that far away, Kakashi had decided that the boar was best cooked with herbs and Kurenai couldn't be bothered to argue otherwise. The usual smoke filter uninstalled – because while it acted to diffract the fire's smoke sufficiently wide enough to make it no longer something that painted targets on their heads, it messed with cooking – Nozomi set to work on gutting the boar and cleaning it up, while Kurenai gathered the light herbs that could be found nearby.

"I didn't know the dobe could cook." Sasuke snorted. "Anything aside from instant ramen, that is. I'm afraid eating that boar might give me stomach cancer."

"If you don't like it you can eat your field rations Sasuke." Kakashi smirked. "It merely means more for the rest of us."

"He is a surprisingly good cook Uchiha-san." Kurenai spoke as she set to blend the herbs. "I'm sure you will find the dinner more than satisfactory."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence Kurenai-sensei." Nozomi shot Sasuke a dark look. "For the record teme, I _can_, and _do_, cook other things than ramen."

"Like?" Sasuke grunted.

"Err… takowasa (Octopus and wasabi)?" Nozomi smirked. "Miso soup and sometimes soba!"

"Sounds like Kurenai's taste." Kakashi scratched at an itch. "Ehh… Either way if it's bad I'll get Hokage-sama to ban you from Ramen for a month."


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

So another hard disk crashed... Then another... Then another. I have utterly no luck with them.

Not to mention the annoyance and frustration when you press backspace when the highlight isn't within the text box and you lose all freshly made progress in the story. Especially when it happens multiple times, and wipe out at least 10k words in total over the few times (and chapters) it happens. Maybe ff dot net should implement auto saving, cause my brain sure isn't getting the moral of the story.

Partially why the funny parts suck more now, I find it hard to come up with the same joke and impact when you have the shadow haunting it.

I know I'm taking forever for a not-so-long story. Updates should hopefully be more regular since I'm getting used to NOT wiping out my own progress.

And as it turns out, it happened again. So apparently I'm an incorrigible idiot since I did just invoke Murphy and his omnipresent powers.

Half of this chapter is 'old' and I don't really want to retype it again (before I screw up the continuity I set in place), so maybe the jokes gets old/cold/stale, maybe it reads rather jarring when you go past the mark, but the next chapter should be better. After To Awaken, in any case.

* * *

Chapter 17 - _Now, if you've finished gawking at me, shall we be on the way?_

* * *

"Tell me you did not just say what I thought you did." Kurenai sighed.

"Why, what's the worst that can happen?" Kakashi smiled. "I've seen what he can dish out anyway, and it's nothing I can't handle. I AM after all a Jounin of _universal __renown_." His chest puffed up slightly. "S class, by the way."

"I will be sure to file that statement under 'Famous Last Words' in the Bingo Book, Kakashi."

* * *

Tsunade rubbed her sake cup in glee as an inexplicable joy rose up in her and threatened to make her happy. Happy! While doing paper work! Happy! **Unthinkable!**

The absurdness of it overwhelmed her as Shizune neatly balanced another stack of papers on that infernally tall stack in the 'Incoming' tray while removing what pittance she had actually managed to finish in the brief interim she had had when Shizune left the office earlier.

"I really _really_ hope headaches can be transmitted after dismissal of Kage Bushins..." Tsunade-bushin grumbled as she grabbed at the offending paperwork.

"...and where's that damn letter now?"

* * *

"Whoa whoa whoa." Kakashi's Sharingan eye spun lazily as he cancelled what he would privately admit, under unthinkable torture, to be a shit-eating-pants-peeing scary illusion Nozomi had summoned up from whatever dregs of knowledge he didn't expect someone like Naruto to possess. "I don't think that's what Hokage-sama had in mind when she was in your care, Kurenai."

"I do what I can." Kurenai did a half-bow demurely. "I'm pretty sure I didn't teach her that though."

"Oh no, that's not all Kakashi-sensei..." the bistre haired girl cooed sensuously, grin threatened to erupt and take over the rest of her face. Nothing ever good ever came out of that grin, especially towards the person it was directed at. Kakashi paled.

"Maybe I can write to Jiraiya and get him to get an International Ban on Sales of Icha-Icha series to A _Certain_ Individual Known As Hatake Kakashi."

"Ouch." Kurenai winced.

"You... you can't do that!" Kakashi spluttered. "That's - that - that - that's illegal!"

"Well... Knowing Ero-Sennin, I know he'll be agreeable to it." Nozomi shrugged. "If he doesn't, I can convince him to be. As it happens, he owes me quite a fair bit so..."

* * *

The sleeping bags went up rapidly as they went through practised motions, each choosing a rather solid tree to attach the bags to. Sakura's choice was unnervingly close though, Sasuke had to admit. He was going to have to shift his bag away before he slept, or otherwise it was going to be a long night defending his chastity.

"It is about 2000 hours now and I want all of us up and ready to go by 0630 hours. Since there are five of us here, each of us will do a two hour shift." Kakashi smirked. "So... Any takers for the first shift?"

"I'll take it." Sasuke hurriedly motioned after mentally evaluating his limited options.

If he took any position but the first shift, Sakura would undoubtedly choose the shift prior his and do unspeakable and unthinkable things to him while he was asleep. It either meant he got befouled by his teammate, or wind up with not an iota of sleep. Neither appealed to his sensibilities. Somehow her fanboyism came back with a vengeance sometime through Kakashi's suddenly stiff trainings. If he took the first... Well, all he'd have to do is to wake her up. That can't be so bad, can it?

In his humble opinion the post-traumatic stress of the Invasion had rattled her head and cause some slip of sorts back into fan girl mode. Kakashi's suddenly harsh training had undoubtedly exacerbated the situation. The shitty sensei of his had clearly broken her so badly she reverted completely to her Academy days persona and ought to see a shrink (he had opined that privately to Kakashi and had promptly been booted out of his house.) but so far his attempts had always been foiled by some freak act of nature. The last time he tried he almost got crushed by a flying boulder - origins of which came from bushy brows and bushy brows mark II - that just so unluckily landed behind Sakura and took his plan down along with the skin on his nose.

"I'll take second!" Sakura trilled.

"I'll take third then." Kakashi shrugged.

"I'll take the last." Kurenai smiled. "I have some things to do after waking up."

"Feeling the effects of aging?" Kakashi crooked an eyebrow. "I don't think excessive make up is the w-"

Kakashi scowled as the 3 (for now) women in the group stared at him. "OH COME ON! Am I the only one with a funny bone in here?"

"Just for the record Kakashi, no, it's not make up."

"So I guess I'm the fourth..." Nozomi shrugged. "Oh well. Time to sleep then!"

Nozomi snuggled into the sleeping bag, which was far more comfortable that its appearance would have suggested. It looked to be a quiet and silent night.

* * *

"No." Sasuke hissed. "Just no. Just - Just - What is this I don't even."

Pinned on Sakura's bag was a note about how she had been grievously poisoned during the course of the meal, resulting in her falling in a deep deep sleep and the only known cure required the kiss of the prince to bring her back to the land of the conscious and living.

She would have been far more convincing if her eyes didn't crack open now and then.

Why this had to happen at the end of his shift, he didn't know, but one thing he _did_ know was how to solve the dilemma. Hopping down to ground level, Sasuke located an amphibian and brought it back up to his 'poisoned' teammate. He bent down near her face and he dropped the frog unceremoniously on her very clearly quivering mouth, with both corners inching upwards, before beating a hasty retreat into his sleeping bag.

* * *

_Mmm, Sasuke-kun! Yes! My ploy worked so well, why, I ought to be given the title of 'Genius of Strategy'! For so-so long, Sasuke-kun? KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~!_

_But why is your face so wet and slimy..._

* * *

The resounding screech was, in his professional opinion as a trained assassin, more than worth it. Sasuke smirked as he snuggled himself into the relative safety of his sleeping bag. And if anything, the other three ought to be grateful for him having the gumption to attempt and shock her back into normalcy.

_I really really really hope it works._

* * *

Nozomi hissed as she was rudely awoken from her slumber by a high pitched screech.

Kurenai's hiss was louder, but neither was as violet as Kakashi's reaction of a flung kunai.

The unfortunate frog hit the kunai head on and was flung with it into the wilderness.

"For the last time, people are trying to sleep here." Kakashi snapped. "Keep your repressed sexual tensions to yourselves."

"YOU!" Sakura roared, anger at Sasuke for the prank forgotten. "YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!"

"No I did not." Kakashi shrugged. "I -"

"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME! WITH A KUNAI!"

"I can -"

"A KUNAI! A GODDAMN KUNAI!"

"I CAN _AIM_, DAMN IT! I AM A JOUNIN, _S CLASS,_ FOR KAMI'S SAKE!"

"If you two can pipe down, others are trying to sleep here." Nozomi grunted and rolled over.

"AND YOU!" Sakura hissed softly at Sasuke's general direction. "You haven't heard the last of me. Mark my words."

"Oh damn, she's back to normal. I guess the fun is over." Kakashi sighed under his breath.

"You knew?" Sasuke snapped, glaring at Kakashi. "And you didn't think to -"

"SHUT UP!" Nozomi roared.

* * *

Sakura cackled softly to herself as she plotted her revenge. Of all things, fate just had to make sure that she was the duty personnel before her sensei, which meant that she would be the one to wake him up later at the end of her shift. _Now, what supplies do I have..._

* * *

"So what now?" Nozomi hissed lightly at the finger prodding at her left cheek.

"Your turn. Watch out for the stuff Sakura has scattered around though." The Kakashi-bushin dismissed itself and the kunoichi sighed. Extricating herself from the sleeping bag, she stretched briefly on the branch before hopping down to the ground.

"Kage Bunshin!" She muttered softly.

"Alright, you take a post on the tree tops and make sure you aren't spotted! If you see anything anything suspicious, report to me immediately!"

"Aye aye boss-ess!"

* * *

Luckily (or rather, was it to be expected?) the two hours passed without any incident, other than a slight hiccup where one of her clones almost stepped on Sasuke's face when it nearly tripped.

"Kurenai-sensei?" She whispered softly to the Jounin.

Said Jounin's lashes fluttered open, revealing the deep crimson orbs swirling underneath.

"Nothing happened?"

"Hai."

Untangling herself gracefully from the sleeping bag, the Jounin stretched herself lightly before turning to face her student of two months.

"Well... that's good. Now shoo, go and sleep."

Nodding, Nozomi leapt gracefully back onto her perch and snuggled into the warm inviting confines of the bag.

She was about to drift off into light slumber when a thought made it past her brain and tumbled out of her mouth. "Just curious, do you have a boyfriend yet Kurenai-sensei?"

The wild mane of ebony hair swept around and Nozomi spotted the pair of crimson eyes giving she quizzing looks, and if someone asked her later, she would have probably said that Kurenai also had a hint of a blush on her cheeks as well.

Well, probably.

"Why do you ask?" Leaping nimbly onto the branch Nozomi's bag was on, Kurenai proceeded to sit down next to the currently bistre-haired student.

"Well, you're very attractive but so far I have yet to see you with any guy yet, Kurenai-sensei..."

"Why, thank you." If there was any doubt she had blushed before, Nozomi didn't need any further confirmation now. "But if you consider the type that has been persistently pestering me now, I suppose I can't really be blamed if I haven't yet..." She shrugged.

"So... what type do you like, Kurenai-sensei?"

The crimson eyes narrowed. "Now now now, it's not 'interrogate Kurenai about her singlehood' time but 'rest and recover' time, Nozomi. Get to sleep. We have a long day ahead of us, and I don't want you nodding off halfway."

"Hai hai..."

The leaves barely fluttered as Kurenai landed back on the clearing. If Nozomi had paid attention, she would have heard what Kurenai muttered under her breath.

"...I wouldn't mind someone who can cook well though..."

* * *

Sakura stretched as she rolled out of the sleeping bag at 0530 hours, her innate body clock yelling at her to wake up RIGHT NOW, and to do some damage assessment.

What damage assessment...?

As the thin wisps of moonlight filtered through the canopy, her eyes adjusted to the light and the memories of last night came rushing back.

Oh. Sasuke. Kakashi.

Creeping softly towards the Uchiha's scion sleeping bag, she was about to reach down and plant the frog's carcass into the boy's pants when a soft voice wafted over.

"I don't care what you want to do to him after we reach Tsuchishi and get our accommodations settled, but until then leave him alone, Sakura." Kurenai patted her shoulder. "I'd prefer if we reached Tsuchishi early."

"But he..."

"I'm not saying what he did was right." Kurenai smiled. "I'm just saying, anything you want to do to him, save for any crippling or fatal processes which are totally banned, are to be left till we reach Tsuchishi. If you can do that for me, I'll try to turn a blind eye to it."

"Deal. No promises about Kakashi-sensei though."

"He... he can take care of himself." Kurenai laughed dismissively. "In fact, if you managed to get one up on him I'll treat you to a lavish meal in Tsuchishi."

"We'll see."

* * *

Kakashi's eye snapped open as it tracked a certain pink haired genin's trajectory.

"Now now now..." Kakashi wagged a warning finger, the other hand headed towards his pouch to palm his beloved book. "Keep away from my Icha Icha."

"Aww, shucks." Sakura sighed, shrugging in defeat.

Kakashi leapt down his branch and started packing up. "Alright, time to pack up! Chop chop, we're leaving in thirty minutes! Anyone not ready by then we'll leave behind."

* * *

Nozomi sealed the entire collection away after picking out her clothes. A simpler, less visually cluttered styling was the choice of the day - there was no point drawing attention to oneself when entering Tsuchishi - she squeezed into the still similarly figure hugging dress with Kurenai's assistance. A rather simple one piece ending mid thigh, it featured several slits of differing length serving to accentuate the body's lines, the flash of a burgundy crimson under layer flirting with one's vision.

Said Jounin had switched back into something similar to her bandage dress, except this time the bandage was a deep burgundy, and the sleeve and highlights was a ebony colour, with a white cuff. She had left off her usual bandages around her arms and groin, choosing instead to wear a black skirt that ended above the knee with a slit worked in by the side.

"New clothes, Kurenai-sensei?" Nozomi looked at her quizzically. "And how did you even get that on in the sleeping bag?"

"No reason to inform Tsuchishi that Konoha ninjas are headed in." Kurenai shrugged. "Besides, I like this design. It's surprisingly easy to get into, maybe we could have one made for you when we get back..."

"I don't think I'll be needing dresses after I get back, Kurenai-sensei."

"Really? Your naiveté amuses me." Kurenai chuckled.

"...I did not hear that."

* * *

As it turned out, all of her team had changed to more casual clothes and had kept their hitai-ate.

As usual Sasuke favoured dark colours and wore a simple black shirt with black cargos, whereas Sakura wore a heath coloured sleeveless turtleneck dress.

Nozomi was going to ask about how Kakashi would pull casual off with his facemask when the man in question appeared.

"I - what - this - urgh." Kurenai palmed her face. "Is this why you insisted on keeping the ID cards?!"

"You look like a beggar." Sasuke snorted.

"A well-dressed beggar." Sakura added.

"A burglar-ing beggar, you mean." Nozomi rolled her eyes. "A well dressed beggar should be re-evaluating his priorities."

"Well, maybe he just became a beggar?" Sakura retorted. "Maybe he just declared himself bankrupt."

"A bit too scruffy looking to be one, wouldn't you say."

"I'm hurt." Kakashi scowled. "Can't a man want to have a beard every now and then?"

As he talked, his new neck length full beard shook with every word.

"It's just the lower half of your face Kakashi." Kurenai groaned. "The lengths you go to protect that..."

Kakashi was dressed in a rather simple everglade kimono, which, if not for his beard and hair colour, should have yielded a rather nondescript looking man. His hair, tied back into a rather small pony-tail, and an eyepatch combined with his scar made him look like a pirate instead.

"Now, if you've finished gawking at me, shall we be on the way?"

* * *

"Halt!"

Hasegawa sulked. He should have been on leave today, free to take his girlfriend of three months out to the city centre to drink in the atmosphere, have a sumptuous meal for dinner and have a couple of drinks after that. And if he was lucky, they'd make it to a hotel too. _Finally._ At twenty, he was considered significantly old for a Genin, not for want of lacking ambition (he had tried - and failed - the Chunnin examinations thrice thus far, and he cursed his plain dumb luck for always being matched with the exceptionally talented scions of major clans.), and if objectively evaluated, he'd actually outclass some of the Chuunins (most of them had learned well enough to leave him be by now). He'd heard enough of _"Ouch... Bad luck Hasegawa, plain bad luck. Maybe next time." _to last the rest of his life.

But his plain bad luck shone through again and the personnel who was supposed to be on duty was stricken with a high enough fever that even the Iryou-nin recommended some rest. _Fuck my life._

Hasegawa cursed his luck again as his eyes fell upon the weirdos that had been proceeding up the path towards his gate.

Of course, there were two exceptionally beautiful women, even taking into the consideration that the average level had been boosted significantly by the upcoming Earth festival that tended to draw people from all over. But when accompanied by one monotonously dressed boy with a face stuck in a perpetual sulk, one not-so-pretty girl in a dress that flattered her lack of a chest the wrong way, one... bizarre looking old man dressed like a pirate, his instincts screamed that they were all a bunch of downright weirdos and he should avoid contact at all costs, no matter how hard his libido protested. But he had a job to do, and the last thing he wanted was to spend even more time guarding the gates if he screwed up.

"State your purpose."

"We're here for the festival, shinobi-sama." Weird old man spoke. "I, Kakushi, along with Kure, Nozomi, Sakurai and Uke, humbly request for entry."

Hasegawa unconsciously bristled at the subtle nuance in intonation "sama" had been spoken. Openly it seemed respectful, but his subconscious registered the spike in the glorious Sarcasm-O-Meter. "Documentation?"

"...and what did you say my name was?" Sasuke twitched. "Hmm?" The Uchiha scion studiously ignored the amused look the others were giving him.

"Here you go, shinobi-sama." Kakashi gamely ignored the bristling Uchiha scion. "I apologize, he doesn't really like his name, but what's a man gotta do about it?"

Twitch.

Hasegawa palmed the ID as he scrunitized the details. Other than a minute difference or two - a slight change, not major enough to ring bells - they checked out fine. Visually, at least. Mentally, maybe not. _Well, I've heard weirder names before..._

Sakura nearly jumped as she felt the chakra sweep, and instantly felt ashamed and slightly indignant.

They had been briefed about this - EVERY village has had their Fuuinjutsu masters work on their village's entrances and embed an array capable of dispelling most if not all A-ranked illusions and below. Anyone capable of S-rank genjutsu wasn't going to be stopped by a gate anyway, so the lack of coverage wasn't an issue. Of course Jiraiya had taken it as a personal challenge and Konoha's arrays were a significant step up - not that it mattered, but he liked the ego boost - and the moderate increase in Chakra utilization as a result was inconsequential, and if done for a sufficiently long time actually helped to build up the guards' Chakra reserves faster.

And why - why was she tempted to react? She was the _smart_ one! Hell, even Naruto-Nozomi was putting up a flawless act!

Hasegawa, his attention taken by attempting to burn into his retinas the personal details of Hot Babe #1 and Hot Babe #2, didn't notice an iota out of place. Closing the fanned out ID with a snap, he passed it back to Kakashi.

"Okay, you guys check out fine. The entrance's to your left. Have a nice stay in Tsuchishi."

* * *

"I didn't hear about that." Sasuke sullenly glared at Kakashi.

"Well I wasn't the one who had the ID prepared, so it's not my business."

"And you didn't find _any_ issue with that name?" He snarled.

"Why, what's wrong?" Kakashi eye smiled. "I can't see any issue with the name that's been yours _since birth_."

"It is... a rather nice name." Sakura sniggered. "Could consider it fitting, even. Or maybe we could call him Gama."

"That's not going to happen, Sakurai-chan." Nozomi frowned. "Gama-chan's already taken. Besides, the name suits _Uke_ to a T!"

"...I have no comment about this." Kurenai groaned.

"We will speak about this." Sasuke hissed. "You haven't heard the last of it."

"I certainly don't think so..." Kakashi smirked. "Well, time to find my inn."

"Inn? I thought we were staying at a hotel!" Sakura paused momentarily. "It was in the b... itinerary!"

"You guys are."

* * *

"That was... interesting."

Kakashi peered with his sole eye from his perch on the lone chair in the corner.

Sasuke shrugged.

The innkeeper had protested when Kakashi had said that he wanted a room, and insisted that Nozomi, Kurenai and Sakura was most definitely NOT going to be in the same room as them _boys_. It took her the long part of an hour to get whatever stored up rant she had through her system, and although the nuggets like "destroyed a bed", "unwashable stains", etc were hilarious, she was drawing far more attention than he had liked.

It took him all his patience not to whip out the Sharingan and use it to solve the issue, but he had persevered through the passivity and calmness a S-ranked ninja like him possessed.

He had explained, in his comparatively infinite wisdom, that he was enquiring about a room for himself and himself alone, and had she simply just shut up and listened the first time he asked, or simply paid more attention to his phrasing, they would have collectively saved at least six man-hours that could have been channelled into more productive ventures.

He made sure to emphasise "productive ventures". _Well, it did make Sasuke forget about the Uke business, so maybe it was somewhat productive after all. __  
_

She gave him a huge discount for the room.

After that, they went to the indicated hotel booked by the Daimyou before hand and checked the other four in, before proceeding back to the inn under a cover of light Genjutsu.

"Why didn't you check in, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked. "I mean, it's a highly rated hotel - _**FIVE** STARS! _- and it's fully paid for!"

"There are things hotels afford you, and there are things inns have." Kakashi shrugged. "I never liked hotels, anyway. Don't get too used to this, most A-rank missions don't even come with such excellent accommodation."

"Well, this mission IS from the Daimyou." Nozomi shrugged. "As long as he's paying for it, I'm pretty sure I don't care if other missions don't come so good."

"Just a quick recap, tomorrow we're down to do some information gathering of sorts, the day after's the event itself, and I understand Nozomi has some obligation to the Daimyou after that..." Kakashi trailed off.

"I didn't hear anything about that."

"You didn't?" Kakashi looked quizzical. "Didn't I give you the note... Right. I forgot."

While Kakashi dug through his pockets, Kurenai shot Nozomi a look that screamed I-TOLD-YOU-SO. When the note was found and presented, Nozomi read through it quickly before passing it to Kurenai.

"So not only do I have to listen to what they're up to, I'm going to have to _INVITE _them, whoever they are, and paint the Tsuchi Daimyou's chair pink?" Nozomi hissed. "And wasn't this supposed to be in my hand _5 weeks ago?!_"

"Tee hee."

"Tee hee my arse, Kakushi!" Nozomi roared. "I don't even _know _how they _look _like! Don't we have photos or something?"

"We _might_ have photos - okay, we _have_ photos, but I guess the Daimyou just doesn't want to help you along." Kakashi shrugged. "Besides, finding out who they are is part of the mission."

"I suppose you should know better than to prank someone who can make your life difficult now, don't you Nozomi?" Kurenai muttered.

"So can I assume we're going to be here for three nights, at least?" Sakura seemed almost eager.

"Assuming it all goes well, three nights." Kakashi nodded. "Either way, your accommodations have been paid for three nights so it's not a concern. Might as well kick back and enjoy this paid vacation."

"We're on a _mission_ here, mind." Nozomi snapped.

"Well, it's free and easy for the rest of tonight, but in case it needs repeating, do not, under any circumstances, draw attention to yourself. " Kakashi smirked. "Not like the two of you need any help, anyway."

"Pervert." Nozomi stuck her tongue out.

"Meet in my room tomorrow morning at about 08 00 hours. Dismissed."

* * *

"Wow." Sakura gasped.

The hotel was some ways away from the inn, situated in the quieter part of the city centre. And quite apparently, it was in the affluent part of the city. Their... less than opulent garments had resulted in condescending looks from some portions of the pedestrians. Kurenai had been expecting something opulent - The Golden Earth lent no amount of subtlety that it was going to be an expensive hotel - and what greeted her eyes sure surprised her.

It was almost... homely. Tastefully opulent, moderately decorated but mostly unblemished, only the slight golden sheen on the footpath betrayed the name. And as soon as they had stepped off the streets and onto the path proper, the entrance swung open slowly and ushers appeared to guide them in.

They passed by the reception so rapidly that Nozomi only managed to catch the sight of a bunch of browns as the world whirred by. Led down a winding corridor, their room keys were transferred into their possession so gently and gracefully none of them could say for sure when exactly did the transaction occur. Sasuke and Sakura were left somewhat earlier up the corridor in front of what appeared to be single rooms, while the usher guided Nozomi and Kurenai further down the passage.

"I'm sorry, but is there a mistake? There are two of us here and there seems to be only one room." Nozomi scratched her head quizically.

"It is as requested, kokyaku-sama." The usher bowed. "We were instructed to prepare two single rooms and one suite." (Kokyaku: Customer)

"I... see. Thank you."

"My pleasure." The usher retreated while in a half bow.

"Right." Nozomi tried to smile. "Let's see what's inside."

Unlocking the door, her eyes fell upon the illuminated interior. She looked past the kitchenette, the small living room, past the wardrobe, and...

"No." Her knuckles turned white as her hands gripped the door. "This is _SO _not happening."

The bed was a single king sized bed, with rose petals scattered over it.

"I- I don't even..."

To make things worse, while placed subtly, _it_ was still glaring obvious. Nozomi swore the packaging of the day after pill winked at her. _MOTHER FUCKER...!_

"...I'll go see if Sakura wants to swap rooms."

"It's okay."

"There's only one bed. It's NOT okay." Nozomi hissed. "I am-"

"We are both women here Nozomi."

"I mean this isn't even... I... I'm going for a walk."

* * *

Sasuke was moderately impressed as he unlocked his door. Large enough to be a suite in lesser hotels, he appreciated the large bed at the end of the room, as well as the amenities displayed. "Not too bad."

"Kya~!" Sakura was stunned by the sheer level of comparative opulence the room offered.

"I'd like some silence please, Sakurai. No one wants to hear you screech."

"Yea yea, I'll do that Uke." Sakura smirked. "Unlike someone, I haven't been here with a Seme before."

The slam of the door was his answer.

Grinning, Sakura entered her own room and began unpacking. _Sakura 1, Sasuke 0. Now there's just Kakashi left..._

* * *

The evening breeze was soft, flitting around the sparse branches of trees that dotted the city. Nozomi watched silently as the smoke from the cup of tea wafted away with the wind. She closed her eyes slowly as she leaned back on the bench and relaxed. _What the fuck is wrong with that bastard-_

"Hey."

"Ryo for your thoughts?" Kurenai eased herself onto the bench.

"...I don't like this place."

"Why? You've only been here for what, a few hours?" Kurenai was somewhat intrigued. "What has offended you so much? Other than the-"

"They don't sell ramen here." Nozomi pouted. "Can't find a single store."

Kurenai almost choked on her drink.

"Well, in _MY_ opinion, that's an offence against humanity!"

"Well, I don't think a capital city won't have a single ramen store, so maybe you didn't try hard enough..."

"I can't try hard enough." Nozomi sulked. "My most famous technique has been sealed for the moment, remember?"

"It does draw a heck lot of attention." Kurenai tapped the edge of her cup. "Well, if it's any consolation, I haven't had dinner yet, and I'm pretty sure I passed by at least two ramen shops on the way here."

The slight hint of a tilt on her lips grew to a full fledged smile as Kurenai found herself assaulted by a full-force Nozomi-puppy-eye-no-Jutsu.

"C'mon, my treat. What say you?"

Nozomi was ready to go so quickly Kurenai almost thought she had used a space-time manipulation Jutsu.

* * *

Sasuke prodded the bento he had purchased from a vendor absent-mindedly.

The mission was doubtlessly a waste of time, they could have just sent the Yuuhi woman with the dobe and they could be doing something more productive instead of tagging along like a third wheel. Maybe he could stay near a training ground and see if he could filch some moves with his Sharingan, or see if the library would prove more fruitful. Of course, given the secretive nature of Shinobi business the chances of that was next to zero.

Shoving another morsel of food in his mouth and chewing slowly, Uchiha Sasuke sulked on a roof.

* * *

"This... No, maybe this..." Sakura unconsciously licked her lips as her eyes extended wider than she had thought possible.

Say what you want about Tsuchishi, their fashion scene was erupting after a long period of seeming gestation and boy, did she love the lava. You had experimental cuts, which for the most part looked silly, impractical, and more often than not she had to wonder what sort of upbringing the designer have had to have to produce such mental outfits.

And in some cases, even the established brands were guilty of that.

"Damn it."

A kunoichi's life was dangerous enough that she didn't really care if she didn't have enough chances to wear the clothes out, just wearing them once was enough. It was her money, after all, and it could also turn over a tidy profit if she played her cards right. She had purposely brought with her some small fortune of her very own to splurge, but at the rate it appeared, she was sure that it wouldn't last a single street. There were just too damn many things that caught her eye. And if her sense of aesthetics was as good as she reckoned, maybe that Chakra training gear she was looking at would be within reach.

"This... Mmm... That's good too... Argh, I still need to eat dinner!"

* * *

Kakashi let himself past the small curtains hanging from the roadside store easily. "An oden store in this weather?"

"What can I say, I like oden." The store keeper shrugged. "Besides, the boss says so."

"Boss?" Kakashi quirked an eye brow.

"Well if you know my wife..." The man shuddered.

* * *

The patter of feet, carrying an undertone of urgency, clattered up the stony streets of Tsuchishi. Nozomi impatiently followed behind a clearly amused Kurenai, who was noting, somewhat proudly, somewhat cautiously, with a hint of disgust at the number of eyes that were following their trail up the side street.

"It's just a little more, Nozomi-chan~"

* * *

"Did you see that?!"

"Of course I did. The whole _damn_ street saw that."

"Maaaaaaaaan... Given a chance I'd tap _that_ so hard, hell, my great grand kids will feel it."

"Not just you, the _entire _street wants to do that." He guffawed. "...Out of curiousity, which one?"

"Well, both of them are more than fine, but if you'd force me to choose... For the record this is like asking me which eye o' mine I like best - I think I'd go for the one in front." There was a slight nod of the head. "More my type. But again, either is fine, really."

"So you like the more mature ones? Remind me to keep my mother away from you."

There was a slap, and a roar of laugher afterwards.

"But seriously... I have never seen any sexier woman in Tsuchi... Man... What sort of stuff do they put in the water where they come from."

* * *

The store Nozomi finally decided on was quaint, and seemed quite popular, if the wall of accolades was anything to go by. The counter booth they chose afforded them a great view of the restaurant but a restricted one for the rest of the occupants. Given the number of lecherous stares, Kurenai opted for prudence.

"...like they've never seen a woman before." She groused. "Lecherous pigs."

"They can't help it Kure..." Nozomi leaned in, a hint of smugness on her lips. "Not every day they see such a beautiful woman."

"Not like you're faring any better."

"I'm actually _not_, y'know." Nozomi shrugged. "I don't really care."

"Some of them might not really care that you aren't actually one."

"...Yuck. Don't remind me of Orochimaru." Nozomi shuddered while flicking through the menu. "We're about to have dinner, remember."

"Well, one bowl only Nozomi." Kurenai wagged her finger at her disciple's pouting face. "Remember, you're a proper lady."

"D'aww..." Nozomi sulked.

"Wouldn't do to have you clean my wallet out anyway... Waiter!"

* * *

"So what do you have for me?" Kakashi stirred his soup lazily, the lone eye focussing on the swirls forming slowly.

"Hmm?" The oden store keeper looked up.

"Huh?" Kakashi looked surprised, and his shaggy beard shook as he looked around the vicinity.

"Sorry, I thought someone was asking for me." The store keeper looked apologetic. "Sorry for disturbing your meal. As an apology, this is on the house."

He passed Kakashi a can of tea.

"Please enjoy."

"I will. Thank you."

Rising from the table, Kakashi reached for inside his vest and paid the vendor.

Can of tea in one hand, the now-anonymous Kopi-nin strode slowly away from the store._Man... Sure sucks to be him._

His left hand nonchalantly palmed the bottom of the can, Kakashi popped the seal on the top and took a deep swig. "Ahh."

Can of drink in his right hand, left hand around his waist, no one suspected anything as Kakashi's left hand slid the slip of paper into his concealed seam pouch.

"Right. What should I do now?" Kakashi tapped his feet in thought. "Well, no harm checking out their book shop."

* * *

"That was good." Kurenai relished the last morsels of finishing left in the bowl.

Nozomi was oddly silent after she had finished her own bowl, and was currently prodding at the scallion floating in her soup.

"What's wrong?" A cursory question, for she knew what was gnawing on the bistre haired girl's mind.

"I... Is..." Nozomi cradled her head in her hands, strands of bistre hair falling down. "Is it really okay?"

"I don't really-"

"I mean, while both of us are women now, I-" Nozomi clenched her teeth. "I..."

"It's okay, Nozomi." Kurenai almost wanted to march into the Daimyou's office right now and demand his head for causing so much grief for the Genin that had been rather rudely introduced into her life for just two months. _This is weird, why do I want to do that so much..._

"It's not okay, beneath this façade I'm still the me I've been for the past ten and more years!" Nozomi protested softly. "I don't think it is a remotely smart idea."

"Do you find me so abhorrent you don't even want to sleep in the same bed as me-" She didn't really understand the twinge in her heart that just... _happened_ when she said it out loud. _I don't really understand myself, do I?_

"I do!" Nozomi snapped. "I mean, I don't I- You- I- Er- You're a very very attractive woman, and while I may not seem like it I _am_ undergoing puberty and being this close to you, living with you, hell, just being near you just make my hormones go crazy! While the effect is significantly lessened in this form, the pull is still there, struggling, fighting! I... I'm scared that I won't be able to resist in the middle of the night and revert and... And..."

Nozomi swallowed deeply. "I don't want to hurt you. I don't want-"

"I trust you." Kurenai placed her hand lightly on the girl's quivering lips. "I trust you, Nozomi."

Nozomi released the breath she didn't know she was holding. "...You'd be more convincing if you didn't flush this red, Kure."

"Shush!" Blushing, Kurenai swatted the bistre head lightly.

* * *

That night, Nozomi slept more deeply than she ever had before in her life.


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

The Male Kunoichi

* * *

Chapter 18 - _We all heard that! I never thought I'd ever hear that coming from you!_

* * *

The soft lushness of the bed offered no respite. The silken sheets that seemed so invitingly soft before became a source of irritation.

Yuuhi Kurenai breathed, slowly.

She was unsettled.

It wasn't very usual for her to be unsettled. Hell, as a shinobi they were supposed to be calm and efficient killing machines, and _not _unsettled, but if the fact that she hadn't fallen asleep yet was any hint, she was clearly not at ease.

Maybe that was putting it lightly. After all, the internal conflict was threatening to escalate into a full-fledged war.

What was she supposed to think? Or feel, even? It wasn't a very common situation she found herself in – not that their current situation was _anything_ but usual, of course – but nobody could deny that it would be unsettling to be in her position.

Maybe unsettling was understating things a little. Well, depending on who you asked...

At twenty and a Jounin, she could say that she was fairly well established to have her own opinion, but either way she spun it, the matter wouldn't resolve itself. Anko's adage of "If I ignore it, it will go away!" wouldn't work here, that much she knew.

She tried to relax, clear her mind of extraneous thoughts and get back to the business of sleeping. She really did. But the soft bed felt hard against her back and the seemingly sensually soft sheets bore spurs. It was weird, she knew, and depending on which way you leaned it was okay, if not immoral or downright a crime against humanity.

He was fourteen. Fifteen, if she considered that his birthday was nearing, but either way to most of society he was considered a minor, despite the fact that _all_ shinobi were exempt from the plebeian progressions of societal order once they donned the hitai ate. If they had so much as wanted to, any if not _all _of the graduating class of Genins could have married on the day itself and there would be no legal basis for anyone to oppose the unions.

Not even the _Hokage_ had the power to object the union. Such was the concessions the Uchihas had demanded and the Shodai had acquiesced that the ninjas were pretty much legal adults the moment they stepped out of the Academy gates as full-fledged Genins. Of course, no such application of the law had been required since Konoha's founding, and consequently no repeals of the law had been made since it was out of sight and out of mind for many of the Council members, who had their own _more pressing_ agendas to pursue. Not that she wanted to know what the Uchiha's were doing to demand that concession, but they were all but dead, anyway.

Council shenanigans aside, she wasn't remotely certain as to what exactly she should do. Naruto had professed what seemingly amounted to physical attraction earlier during dinner, which she wasn't exactly surprised at. He was young and likely undergoing puberty, and she wasn't exactly an old maid either. Was it really a surprise?

She couldn't decide if she was more surprised or had been expecting it, at least subconsciously.

While she wouldn't exactly said she was attracted to the young Genin, his infectiously good nature, exuberance, geniality and privately, possibly the lingering strands of her Academy days crush on the Yondaime were plus points of sorts. The resemblance was sort of… weird. But the last time the Jounins (and AnBu) gathered to question the unnervingly similar appearance between the two (they were shinobi, and most certainly _not _blind, thank you very much), the cornered Sandaime had spun out a whole long story - it took him six _hour__s, _and he wasn't even done yet when they surrendered - about seals, quarks, theoretical quantum physics, chakra systems, genetic selection and so much technical terms that it hurt her brain to even recall it - hell, _even_ Nara Shikaku gave up! - so she put it out of her mind.

Well... No two ways about it. The War to end all Wars had really boosted the Yondaime's reputation – he was the man not even _Kages _could touch – and frankly he was a highly attractive man either way and in her defence the entire class had a crush on him. Even some boys.

She blushed lightly as she recalled the memories of her past. Who was she kidding? She used to sleep with his picture under her pillow! The Yondaime had practically been the Sasuke of their time, except if Sasuke had been older, wise, mature, impossibly powerful Hokage, _and _available when Hinata's batch was in the Academy.

And who was she to say the youth was foolish?

She had feared the foolishness of youth would come back and haunt her in the future, and given the situation she was in, hindsight clearly hated losing a bet. Naruto's appearance had fired up whatever vestiges of her crush she had left for the Yondaime, she decided. And considering the mission wasn't over, she was going to conduct herself in a proper manner befitting a mentor, _Jounin_ and _not _blush like a silly schoolgirl! She was a _Jounin_ - who took down a Uchiha in the Chuunin Exams with Genjutsu! - NOT a silly hormonal teen, damn it!

She would have rolled over, deeply enraptured in her musings had she not managed to catch herself in time.

The slight rise and fall of Nozomi's back indicated the Genin was clearly still in deep sleep. Glad to have avoided a potentially awkward situation that she really could do to _NOT _have to suffer through, Kurenai groaned softly.

"…just my luck…"

* * *

Sasuke, if pressed, would admit he found the bed more comfortable than he had expected. He had spent some time gathering information about the locations of the library and training grounds, and while the library was easy to find, the grounds weren't. Besides, he didn't want to come across as a suspicious intruder since most tourists didn't really keep asking about things civilians don't really concern themselves with.

He would rather die than suffer the dishonour of becoming the reason why their team failed the mission. Naruto for one would _never _let him live this down.

Besides, given what village they were talking about the most he'd see would consist mainly of earth techniques, whereas his speciality was fire... He'll have to search more discreetly and more efficiently tomorrow. The Doton jutsu he could learn could be useful to counter any Suiton techniques used against him. Then again, any sufficiently strong fire technique could, and would simply overwhelm a lesser Suiton technique... Not to mention Raiton was pretty damn effective against Suiton as well. But the more he knew, the better. Itachi always did seem to know everything.

Rolling over in his bed, Sasuke tried to sleep, but it did not come easily.

* * *

Sakura dutifully packed her purchases aside before contemplating to crash on the bed, but decided against it and instead headed for the showers.

"Man, this place really has everything, doesn't it..." Sakura mumbled as she slipped into the private onsen. "Fthetttttttttttttttttttttttt ffftttttttttttttt..."

She giggled as she slipped lower and her breath created bubbles. Man... She'll have to convince Naruto to go paint the Fire Daimyou's throne again sometime if she got to enjoy such luxurious accommodations in return.

* * *

"So..."

Kakashi palmed the note that he had been slipped. He hadn't opened it up yet, but any issue that severe to warrant the Daimyou sending his Head of Intelligence out in person had to be pretty damn serious.

Then again, said Daimyou had sent them on this mission.

_Let me see..._

Flipping the note open, Kakashi was somewhat amused at the lengths the Daimyou went to piss off his staff. The information he had been passed barely warranted a despatch, much less activate the Head of Intelligence himself.

It began with a simple re-iteration of their mission's objectives. To determine if the Raikage and Tsuchikage were planning anything unsavoury for Hi no Kuni or Konohagakure no Sato, and secondly to invite them to the Hi no Kuni ball, as well as painting the Tsuchi Daimyou's chair pink. Then there were a few details about the two spouses' entourages and expected arrival dates, as well as the location of their accommodations, before ending with a coarse map of the Tsuchi area with the Lord's true castle pointed out. Hardly classified stuff.

All in all, nothing useful. Scarcely anything to require the infamous Mumei's considerable talents. And if Kakashi was completely honest, he could tell the man was forced to conceal details in the report, probably instructed by the Daimyou in order to make Nozomi's task harder. Considering the man's skills, he would have provided the entirety of the party's itinerary, detailed portraits, succinct summary of the supporters' abilities, methods to counter them, personal history, background, the works. That man was worth _teams_.

Still, hardly anything to require one of the most talented Intelligence gathers to work in the Daimyou's court's personal attention. The Sandaime had practically salivated when he had the opportunity to command the man during the Chunnin exam preparations. Although the Chunnin exams had quickly escalated from _crap _to _Second Coming of the Kyuubi _levels and ended with the deaths of their Hokage, it wasn't really Mumei's fault since he had been assigned to a relatively inconsequential post in screening candidates – sometimes the Sandaime's habit of challenging those whose ability he recognised to difficult, obtuse and ultimately futile tasks did bite him in the ass, and this time it swallowed him whole – it was hard to avoid a black mark on his career.

Kakashi burnt the note with a quick Katon and prepared for bed. He'll have to brief the others at the hotel tomorrow – not that it was an urgent task of course, but it would be interesting to see what Naruto made of it. As much as his Nozomi form had seemingly tempered the blonde's insatiable lust for chaos, he was willing to stake his reputation as a ninja – S-rank, mind – that it was a mere lull and Naruto would soon be back in full swing.

The Earth Lord wouldn't even know what hit him. And judging by how long Naruto had went without a prank somewhere, the entire Earth Castle along with it.

* * *

The rising sun's rays tracked a smooth path up the sheets and the occupant raised a hand to block the offending light.

"Urgh…" The sole occupant on the bed moaned.

Attempting to swat away the offending light, the woman hissed in anger. A wall of mud cloyed up behind the wall and barricaded the window from outside. "…much better." Muttering darkly, the occupant rolled over.

There was a soft knock on the door "Mao-sama…"

The occupant froze.

"I know you're already awake Mao-sama…"

"What?" Said woman hissed.

"It is already morning Mao-sama, and we need to get moving…"

"...it's still dark out!"

"…you didn't. Not again. Not after that last hotel-"

"…maybe I did." Mao rolled over. "Maybe I didn't."

"At your age Mao-sama…" The voice had a disapproving tone. "Isn't it nice for once to not get banned from another hotel for-"

"My husband is the Tsuchikage, they can bill him for all I care." Mao groaned. "Get off my back. As it is, it hurts enough already. Is it my fault that their cleaners are so incompetent that they cannot-"

"We still have to reach Tsuchishi Mao-sama." A second disapproving voice piped up. "And I'm pretty sure cleaning up after high levelled Doton techniques wasn't-"

"Shut up Kageyasu, you're the one who made us crash the bar yesterday." Mao attempted to burrow deeper into the sheets. "Leave me alone."

She heard a sigh outside the door and hoped her attendants would finally get the hint and leave her alone. A slight discussion seemed to have passed between her two retainers and she was sure they had considered it a futile cause and would leave her alone to sleep. The bed was too comfy for her to even consider getting out of it for the foreseeable future.

"…you tried to sing. Again."

She froze.

"…whatdidyousay…?"

"You were intoxicated, Mao-sama." The first voice sighed. "And frankly in hindsight we could have done something to stop you, but I think the windows were starting to break and Kageyasu was theorising about the offensive potential of-"

The dirt bullet barely cleared her head.

"What did you say…?"

Peering through the freshly created hole in the wall, Kageyasu was pretty sure her mistress was wide awake.

"I see you've woken up Mao-sama."

"What did you _say_?"

"I believe we can be on… eek!"

The second bullet barely cleared her chest. Almost.

"What did you say…?" Mao moved fluidly out to the corridor. "Mmmm…?"

"You tried to sing again and got us banned from another bar, Mao-sama." The first voice responded. "And the Iryou-nins had to drop by the bar and required an incident report."

"Is that so…" Mao hissed. The air around her crackled and the attendants took a quick step backwards. "And why did _neither_ of you _stop me?! _Especially you Yuko…"

"In my defence Mao-sama, you _are _the Tsuchikage's wife and your abilities outstrip ours…" Yuko shrugged. "And by then we were drunk too since you kept making us imbibe more, and-"

"…Ounoki's not going to let me live this down…" Mao moaned. "And as for the two of you... You'll see."

* * *

"So…"

Kakashi's tapping fingers drummed an odd cadence on the smooth wooden table. Kurenai recognised it as one of the standard AnBu signals' pattern, but made no note of it. She did however, make note of the shit-eating grin that was threatening to take over the Copy-nin's face, if partially hidden under that beard of his that he was so insistent about.

"Nothing happened." Nozomi snapped brusquely.

"Mmm, nothing happened..." Kakashi smirked. "Yessir, nothing happened indeed!"

Sasuke mutely attacked the bowl of cereal he had ordered from room service. He did however, seemed more amused than he had ever been in years. Nozomi took special note of that.

"I have been in this form since we left Konoha, Kakashi-sensei!" Nozomi snapped. "_**EVER** _since we left. And even before that, too."

"There are... shall I say... ways..." Kakashi's finger traced the spine of his Icha Icha sensually, the one visible eye brow wiggling. "Mmmm...?"

"I do _not_ need this conversation first thing in the morning, Kakashi." Kurenai massaged her temples. "I am sure you have more pressing matters than to make fun of the accommodations Daimyou-sama has arranged for the two of us."

"That can wait, let's have our breakfast first." Kakashi shrugged. "Maybe the two of them don't, considering how much eating they've done last night..."

"Wh-" Nozomi gagged on the tea she had been drinking.

"HATAKE!" Kurenai roared, slamming her hands on the table so hard the milk splashed into Sasuke's face.

* * *

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit... _Sakura mentally chanted as she sprinted the short hallway down to Nozomi's room. The note under her door had definitely stated a time that had most certainly passed some fifteen minutes ago.

She wasn't Kakashi, damn it! _...although it would be sort of good to be a _**_very _**_dangerous Shinobi for once..._

She knocked on the door gently and let herself in.

_...Why is Sasuke's face white and pink in places...? The silly grin on it too... _"Sorry I was late, a black cat crossed my path..."

* * *

The Library had been a fruitless endeavour. The fact that his mind, honed by weeks of Icha Icha, kept providing him with tantalizing fantasies of what _might _have gone down yesterday didn't really help. He wasn't Kakashi, damn it!

Sasuke hissed softly as he palmed the rather worthless book on Tsuchishi's history open. The shinobi section was in another area, likely fortified and heavily guarded. Staring at the words on the page of the book Sasuke reconsidered his options. He had spent the morning slowly going through the Library, in case Tsuchishi was built similarly to the Fire's capital and had a small shinobi library nestled away in the main Library, but clearly they were either more careful about it or it wasn't there in the first place.

Considering that it would soon be lunch hour, he had a small window of opportunity to fulfil the task Kakashi had assigned in the morning to them, which was to scout out various sectors of the city to see if the Raikage's or Tsuchikage's wife was already in the city. Of course he had chosen the sector near the Library, but he was pretty sure that if there was a good time to confirm the lack or presence of a hidden shinobi library had to be during lunch. He hissed again when he realised how useful the dobe's Kage Bushin would have been, and cursed his own stupidity for never having copied the technique.

They had been mostly left to their own devices, considering that the party was tomorrow and the expected arrival times of the Tsuchikage's wife and Raikage's wife was much later in the day, and snooping around too much would lead to heightened suspicions they could do without, so Kakashi had merely briefed them on the estimated itinerary and left them to decide what to do themselves. Typical.

He had spotted Kakashi entering quite a few bookstores earlier and found himself surprisingly curious and desiring to follow Kakashi.

_That's right, I need to check if the latest Icha Icha is out_...

_...No! Not Kakashi! Bad Sasuke! Bad!_

_...  
_

_...  
_

_...I really want to know though.  
_

* * *

If anyone had asked her later, she would have confessed to being utterly mortified and disappointed when she had realised she overslept and ended up missing whatever had caused Sasuke's face to be covered with milk.

Then again, the onsen was too damn good and had worked out kinks in her body she didn't even realise she had. Sakura grinned subconsciously and resolved to take another dip that night. The zinger she delivered and the somewhat stunned face on Kakashi... Priceless!

She had found herself seated near the main streets of Tsuchishi for more than an hour and so far she had yet to spot anyone out of the ordinary, and her second sundae was getting warm. Why couldn't these bigwigs save them the trouble and announce their arrival?

"Hey Uke!" Sakura waved when she spotted Sasuke sulking down the street, some store's purchase clutched in his arm.

He pointedly ignored her as he continued on.

"Hey Uke! Over here!"

Frowning, Sasuke chose to join her instead of risking the entire city knowing about the silly name Kakashi had chosen as his during the mission. "What is it, Sakurai?"

"Seen Kakushi or Kure around? I saw Nozomi head towards the other end of the city an hour ago, but I haven't seen the other two yet."

"...is that your second sundae?" Sasuke stared at the bowls.

"Yes it is." Sakura's eyes narrowed. "...Something you want to say about that, Uke?"

"...No." Sasuke leaned back on the chair. "I saw Kakushi headed to some book stores some time back, but I haven't seen Kure."

"What'd you buy, anyway?" Sakura leaned forward.

"...none of your business." And then he was gone, blending into the crowd.

"Wha...?" Sakura sighed. "Sheesh! So defensive..."

Attacking the remnants of her second sundae with glee, she cackled. Ino had been right. "Maybe some anger management books? ...Yes, and Kakushi went to buy sutras. Another sundae, please!"

It was really good enough to _die for._

* * *

Nozomi tapped the table in an annoyed staccato as she turned down the sixth person that had tried to ask her out in the hour. She had spent some time walking around the upper scale area of Tsuchishi to familiarise herself and plan an escape route if needed be.

The restaurant of choice might have afforded a limited and frankly mediocre selection of food, but what it DID offer was an unrestricted view of the Tsuchi Daimyou's Castle grounds. Of course, there had been tall walls erected around the area, but clearly the Earth people had some malfunction in their heads since the Castle was located in a lower elevation level than the rest of the city, and the third floor of any restaurant in the area easily circumvented the walls.

_...not bad. _Nozomi found herself rather impressed by the security measures the Earth Lord had set up. Frequent ground sweeps, sentries, guard dogs, the works. There were even patrols of spear warriors and archers at regular intervals.

All in all, a damn step up from what she had faced with the Fire Lord's castle, at least superficially. The Daimyou of course had ninja patrols, seals up the wazoo and enough firepower to stop armies behind the less than optimally guarded façade. Nevertheless, she had proved herself superior to his inferior defences and have had pranked the man so hard he was bound to remember the name of Uzumaki Naruto.

The Earth Lord's castle would be a walk in the park, especially if the idle talk she overheard was true. It seemed that he didn't trust shinobi too much, and preferred them out of his castle. There was also another nugget that got her engine really going.

Whoever hated orange would soon get the much overdue karma.

* * *

Kurenai wasn't sure if she should be happy or amused, because a motley crew of two young women and an old lady had entered the gates bickering and she was pretty sure she had heard the Tsuchikage being used as an insult.

Hardly subtle, and given the near worship status the Tsuchikage was accorded in Iwa, the fact that the three was unscathed, if not purposely avoided, meant they had relations with Tsuchikage himself, and judging by the familiarity the old woman was hurtling insults with, probably his immediate family and likely his wife.

That meant the woman was Mao of the Kokuyouseki, famed for her incredible battle instincts, fierce intellect and unique blend of earth techniques that could yield projectiles capable of cutting through even chakra blades. Of course, even her famed _Ruined Earth _technique had proved but child's play in front of the Yondaime's overwhelming _Hiraishin_. Nevertheless, she was a dangerous opponent, and Kurenai doubted even Kakashi could really win her in a battle one-on-one, much less in the middle of enemy territory. Her appearance had changed from what the Bingo Books had accorded, but it hadn't deviated too far.

Kurenai focussed on the trinkets the vendor was attempting to hawk to her and she suppressed a shiver when she felt the sharp gaze of the Tsuchikage's wife pinned on her. She picked out one that had somewhat caught her interest and proceeded to bargain with the vendor who was now suddenly unenthusiastic.

That woman was too sharp for comfort, and frankly she wasn't as confident as she had been that Nozomi would be able to pull the whole mission off. If one was this sharp, if the two of them were together...

* * *

"Yes yes, and the next time Ounoki thinks about it, I'll be _sure _to mention your suggestion to him!" Mao snapped. "Fence sitter as he is, I'm pretty sure that'll swing his choice one way! At last, I might add."

"Mao-sama, it's not nice-"

"I'm sure it is, my dear." Mao snorted.

Spreading her senses out of ingrained habit, Mao's eyes narrowed when she detected a particularly outstanding kunoichi near the area. She would have recognised any kunoichi that pretty from Iwa, and given the attire and clothing it was possible that the kunoichi was holidaying in Tsuchishi, or carrying out a mission. Foreign Kunoichi. The slight shift in posture confirmed her suspicions that the raven haired ninja wasn't an Iwa nin.

She had to be a pretty good ninja too, if she could _feel _that she was being stared at from far away. Not many ninja had that kind of instincts, and those that did tended to be dangerous, if not now then in the future. Mao rubbed her thumb and index finger together as she contemplated whether it required more attention. She had tried to be inconspicuous too, and if anything, one of the most basic tenets of beign a Shinobi had given her away than any mistakes she had made. Her movements were simply too economical to belong to that of a civilian, most likely military, and given the lack of significant muscle bulk, a ninja.

_Given the build, unlikely to be a Taijutsu or a Ninjutsu focussed type... Either a kekkei genkai user or a genjutsu user... No particular feature either... Too young to have retired and not famed enough for me to remember... Hardly a dangerous opponent, then. _Mao tuned out her bickering attendants. _No matter, she could be here to holiday and boost Tsuchi's economy, no reason to make enemies and risk war over suspicions. ...besides, if she turns out an enemy, I haven't had a proper workout in ages...  
_

"Can we get to the hotel _now_, or do I have to do everything myself?!" Mao snapped. "Seriously!"

* * *

For all the physical security the grounds boasted, Nozomi was almost bored as she circumvented _everything_ and found herself inside the castle easily. Really, his seals were barely Chunnin level in complexity and she had learnt to disable harder ones when she was in the Academy! ...Not that every Academy kid went around pranking the AnBu though. Flattening her current form's abundant assets, she pressed herself on the roof as the oblivious samurais' patrolled below her. She had been unable to suppress her curiousity and her pride practically demanded her to challenge her skills against the castle.

In hindsight she should have changed back to being Uzumaki Naruto first, but no matter, she was in the castle and no alarm had been raised yet - or could be raised, for that matter - so that meant no one had noticed. She needed to have a general map of the entire castle first, so as to aid the prank... no, the _mission objective_, and she liked to plan her _missions_ thoroughly. Hell, she'd throw in some extras just to placate the obviously loony Daimyou.

A quick chain of one handed seals later, five Kakuremino-clad Uzumaki Narutos scurried around the castle. (Kakuremino is the cloak of invisibility technique they learn in the Academy. Not that any one actually seems to be using it. Or being Ninja-y in the ninja sense either...)

* * *

"Rio-sama."

The woman tilted her head slightly in her attendant's direction. "What's bugging you, Keiko?"

"Rio-sama, I'm... I'm not sure if this is a good idea." Keiko sighed as she nimbly avoided another low hanging branch. "I mean, we're meeting in their grounds and -"

"Tsuchishi is a barely strategic location as it is, and frankly A's been getting on my nerves recently." Rio shrugged. "Some time out of Kumo sounds like a good plan to me, and if Mao of the Obsidian wants to meet, who am I to say no? I thought we settled this argument a few weeks back."

"But Rio-sama..."

"Oh kami, who are you, my mother?!" Rio groaned. "I am Rio of the Jinrai, the fucking _Thunderclap, _not some wet behind the ears ninny Genin!"

"But Rio-sama..."

"That's it." Rio hissed. "No more nonsense out of your traphole till we reach Tsuchishi. Or _somebody's _going to have a taste why they call me Jinrai. It _has _been a couple of years, so I might... _slip_."

Keiko privately thought the ensuring evil laughter wasn't appropriate behaviour for a Kage's wife, but what could she do, the great and mighty Jinrai...

* * *

"Mao is here." Kurenai stated.

The statement would have had more impact if Kakashi hadn't been pigging out on some odd combination of beef and rice amongst more esoteric ingredients he had purchased from somewhere. The hotel staff sure shot him some odd looks when they thought he wasn't looking.

The half disgusted, half disbelieving stare Sasuke was giving Kakashi hadn't helped things. "We have room service. There is surely something else you can eat other than that..."

"It's... something." Kakashi grunted. "Surprisingly good."

Snorting, Sasuke went back to his bento dinner, and Sakura eased into her own Gyuudon, although the pink haired Genin had clearly suffered some loss of appetite, the beef bowl resembling Kakashi's hodgepodge just that wee bit too much.

"So there's just Rio of the Jinrai left, probably sometime tonight if not tomorrow morning..." Nozomi picked at her own take away bowl of Ramen.

"I would guess so..." The whiff of something caught her nose, and Kurenai narrowed her eyes. "...Is that Ramen again Nozomi...?"

"...maybe." _Oops._

Kurenai groaned. "What did I say about a balanced diet, Nozomi..."

"To eat different types of food!" Nozomi offered, before wilting under her sensei's crimson gaze. "I don't just eat Ramen alone!"

The gaze persisted.

"Okay, I might have had Ramen for lunch also, but..."

The. Gaze.

"Okay okay!" Nozomi whimpered. "I'll keep off Ramen for the rest of the days I'm here!"

"That was... Illuminating." Kakashi suggested. He waved his hands over Sasuke's and Sakura's gob smacked faces before slapping them lightly. "Fly. Mouth. Mmm?"

"D-did... Did _Naruto_ just swear off Ramen?!" Sasuke stuttered, almost choking on his rice. "Oh kami, next thing I know Itachi is _my sister_!"

"What?!" Nozomi blinked. "No I didn't! I haven't heard of this!"

"You did!" Sakura squealed. "We all heard that! I never thought I'd _ever _hear that coming from you!"

"Me too." Kakashi nodded.

"I said, I'm not eating Ramen for _two _days! I'm NOT quitting Ramen!" Nozomi frowned. "I've gone longer without Ramen."

"I think you'd remember that during my most recent attempt, you protested _so_ much so that you wanted to _ban _me from Icha Icha." Kakashi shot her a dirty look. "That counts as a crime against humanity."

"The other time we tried, you told me in no uncertain terms to... What was it..." Sasuke air quoted. "Fuck off and die teme, was it?"

"Whipped." Kakashi nodded in certainty.

"...I agree." Sasuke nodded.

"...me too." Sakura could only marvel at the change in her team mate.

"Seriously!" Nozomi protested. "Sasuke here just spoke more words than he does in _years _and the only thing you comment about is me not eating Ramen for two days? The Wave Mission was longer!"

"Totally whipped." Kakashi nodded sagely. "I'm convinced that becoming lesbian has changed things-" Kurenai hissed. "-and did I mention Genjutsu doesn't work on me? Because they totally don't."

"I'm not lesbian!" Nozomi groaned. "I'm MALE! ... And I thought we have had this argument settled in the morning already!"

"Then clearly, you have consummated your marriage last night-" Kakashi lazily swatted the thrown Kunai aside. "-and a mere few hours apart has brought the sexual tension -"

"I'M FIFTEEN!" "SHE'S _FIFTEEN_!"

"They used to get married earlier." Kakashi shrugged. "The Shodai married his first wife at twelve, and-"

"I don't need the history lesson. We've had enough of it back at the Academy." Nozomi snapped. "And for that matter, I'm sure somebody fell for something during the Wave Mission-"

"Love transcends mortal concepts like age." Kakashi sing-songed, pointedly ignoring the jab.

"...was that from Icha Icha?" Nozomi narrowed her eyes. "Seriously? You're not just reading porn in public, you're _quoting _from porn now?!"

"It's art!" Kakashi caressed his book with a hurt look. "Don't insult my precious!"

"I - what - this - I don't even - Urgh!" Nozomi palmed her face.

"Can we get back on topic?!" Kurenai snapped. "Mao of the Obsidian is already in town, kami knows if Rio of the Thunderclap is at the gates now, and the only topic you can pursue is a puerile one like this?!"

"It is a very important topic concerning the future of my team." Kakashi nodded. "But of course, I'll accede to the desperate change of topic the two of you want so much... I know it isn't much fun discussing your marital matters in public. It's clan matters now after your... union, and-"

"**_KAKASHI!_**"


End file.
